i find this to be a memorable piece, the format is perfect. it was smooth from start to finish. i was very sad at
this poem. i read without taking a breath. a very well written poem and a subject that will help others who might pass through your writing. i know there must have been many tears for this poem to come into being. i like that you shared with all of us. it was an honor to read. i too, have no family to speak of, and i did start to write to leave a little something about me in this life. the title fits the poem, and i loved the imagery of the cradle. i believe that we become good poets because we have been challanged with grief. sincerely, saundra
i like the way you presented the options so clearing, quick and to the point. as always, the conclusion is, no one knows for sure. which in my mind creates a 4th category, those who play both sides of the fence. the ones who go along with the religious portion, and also looks at the science idea, that also could be as well, . then you have to stay in each group, just enough to make sure you are safe. (saundra laughing). the religious wars and fighting have truely shown that god is not about just love, if we are to believe god is good. i like that you are approaching this subject, i will read more as time goes on. i appreciate your input to my poems, i need to be more careful, i suppose. i have been trying out a poem formula of all of my poems, and it works, like this, every poem has the exact number of words in each line, while you also have to not let it get to be a long sentence. as in, 1st line, has 8 words, then all other lines will have 8 words. if i start it as 10 words then ten will follow through on the entire poem. i am sure i made this up, i think. since i am a little old lady, i took advantage of poetry's normal rules and made my own. which, of course should not be entered into a contest. thank you for that insight. sincerely, saundra
let me say this first, the sentence "the us that made you and i cried doesn't read very well, you could possibly fix that, i think. i think that it is a good thing to write from the heart, which you have done. the sadness of divorce, or someone leaving, that is a place where many of us have been. you totally spoke for those of us who could not put the right words to how we felt. keep writing, sincerely, saundra
i truely love this poem. during the poem i was wondering where it would lead to. and there it was, the beautiful ending of the poem. you wrote about something you care about, which adds a better defination to the poem. it seems to come from your heart. that is important to the reader of the poem. good job, well done, sincerely, saundra
a wonderful job on this. i really liked it. as your life goes on you will experience many ups and downs, i think the way you have of dealing with the downs, will take you far in life. i am honored to read and review you, good luck my dear. sincerely saundra
wow, i gave you a 5.0 because i was in awe of how well you sucked the life right out of me. pretty impressive for sure. i want to be friends with some one like you. (saundra laughing) i have copd and i am already dying, i do not think your review of one of mine will kill me. i will give it a shot, and put one here. sincerely, saundra
hello, and welcome to writing.com. you will love it here, i am certain. about your poem, i found nothing wrong with it, it is something that reminded me of edgar allen poe, (spelling is not going well today). I write some that could be controversal, but in a different way. i read this poem several times, and i get it. keep writing, sincerely, saundra
stumble, is misspelled. definitely in the horror catagory. i like it, but i see it as the beginning page of a horror story book. and then start chapter one, it would definitely fit for sure. i do not judge this about spelling, i am always doing so myself. i read a lot of stephen king, john saul, etc. it is great at holding interest. keep writing, sincerely saundra
you had me at the very first, my heart started to race a bit, and i could not wait to get in another sentence. very well done. i have read john saul, stephen king, for a very long time, and i found your story grabbed the way theirs do. good read, thank you sincerely, saundra
this is wonderful, it captured the inner child in me and she delighted in reading it twice. i, also being there reading, was in awe that you came up with this idea. i do love writers that have amazing ideas. i do not see anything at all wrong, thus 5.0, and better still, if there were mistakes, and you have made the reader so enthused in your words, they are blind. thank you for a lovely read. sincerely, saundra
oh my, i do love this. i really was an orphan. it reads well, she has the correct emotion of an orphan. i should know lol. i like the "hook" (as it is often called) when the item catches her eye. very well done. caught me off guard. i good beginning. i like the way that you start ana at the beginning and then wait until later to explain who she is. you need to do something with the long sentence that explains the book bag. either a comma or make it into 2 sentences, your choice. i gave you a 5, even with that sentence. i think you are on the right track, and your writing is good. sincerely, saundra
i loved it. i could vision the garden as i read, and felt the worry of the snow flakes that might destroy your garden, and then the awesome moment when it is realized that god's garden is already there. the poem makes me want to sit and take a deep breath and close my eyes and just visualize the poem, keeping it to myself for a while. very well thought out. saundra
i loved it, and found no one thing wrong that i could see. it was a poem that anyone could read, even people who do not like poetry would like this. straightforward language. imagery was wonderful, i could picture the fox, the rabbit, the snow. if a poem can do that, then we know it is good. saundra
i loved this. one could see this become a wonderful book. your story flowed, i was reading as fast as i could. the humor was delightful. it made the story seem real to the reader, which is a wonderful thing to be able to do. i do agree with the judges that often worrying about spelling and grammer would stifle the writers flow but, none the less, at the end of a piece all of us should check our grammer and spelling. i too have been at fault for not doing it. i have not been here in quite a long time. (i am very sick) your story reminded me how much i love this site, and i will renew my membership. this was a gold nugget in an otherwise daily routine of medication and breathing treatments. thank you for that my dear.
i came months ago, or maybe a year or so, to this website and placed some poetry and then did not come for a long time. i have story i need to write. i thought, why not do some reviews and maybe it make me take my writing seriously. i found you, i am sure i was supposed to somehow, i do not know. i have never given a 5.0, i have never had the opportunity to, until now. you are a great writer. i hung on every word. i am sorry for you misfortune to have gone through this disease, but you have come out on the other side with words, so well placed. you brought out the physical ability for the reader to feel what you felt. i understood the pain, as you told it and made it real. very well done.
saundra
You are going to kill me, but you did say that you do handle negative comments well, and I am counting on that to be truthful. I started not to say this, but then I thought, no one gets good unless they do it over. I felt you stayed in a safety zone of resorting to trickery, almost flippant tone, repeating the first and last sentence, the same bothered me. I felt there is something deeper in you, that you did not touch on. Go into your heart and find the seriousness that you are to afraid to let come out. I think you are going to be a great writer of poetry, but not by playing it safe. I hope you do not hate me for this, and remember, it is only my humble opinion, and I too am a struggling writer. Sincerely, Saundra, sandee
This definitely was unexpected as it went along. I hope with all my heart that this did not happen to you. If so, I would not have any words of comfort, there would be no way to comfort you from a stranger. About the poem only, and most certainly just my humble opinion. I am new at writing also. I think it is beautiful how you use the image, butterflies, etc., I also think that you were able to make the reader feel sadness, and it is always good to get feeling from the reading of a poem. Sincerely, Saundra (SanDee)
Words coming to mind immediately, haunting, solitude, vastness without end. The poem is a truly fine work in and of itself. Not something that many people would even begin to think of. The very deepness of the thoughts come across to the reader. She comes across as a care giver of all things. The only like that I found to be awkward, confusing, was: Why seems love oft merely lust. I understand totally what you are saying, but only in my humble opinion, and I do mean humble in the awe of your work, it is unclear because the words just do not fit. Suggestions would be something along the order of, love so often is merely lust, or something to that effect. None the less, a beautiful thought provoking poem. Sincerely, Saundra (SanDee)
Oh my goodness, your mind is the most amazing and beautiful thing I have ever encountered in all of my 54 years of life. You have written an awesome piece of work. I wish I had the means to publish this everywhere in the world. How could we even start to do that. I have never said these things to any writer in my life. If you were able to touch me with this piece, you would be able to touch the world. Sincerely, Saundra (SanDee)
Oh my dear, how wonderful those memories are. Precious gems to share with us. I loved it, and added you to my favorites list. The only thing I would change, if were me, would to pay attention a little more to the punctuation, and since it is not me lol, you may do as you like. I loved it. Sincerely, SanDee
I know to have nailed this one so accurately, you must have been there. I wish all married people could read this before it has gotten to that point. The only thing I would (Myself) is one word, "or how it crushes your mind, your emotions, your life" I would change life to the word "soul". It actually rhymes with the sentence before it, but in my marriage it feels as if it is bone deep, my soul. Sincerely, SanDee
Am I correct that the thing untold is that he "sings"? Is that what he didn't tell you? If so, perhaps it stand alone some how, such as "He Sings", his voice sounds like? I am new also, so do not fault me if this is incorrect, I love the story, more so, I love the idea that someone could make you feel this way. I think you should pay attention also to your punctuation, this brings out emotion, and pauses where the reader should pause. I like this. Please let me read it again after you have worked on it. I will put you in my favorites to keep an eye on. Sincerely, Saundra
I laughed and laughed. I have several dogs, could truly picture this. The only weak point I found (does not mean it is so, only my thought) was the part about the fleas needing to go for a swim. I think it would come across better if the lick was about the fleas needing reassurance, or something along that order, swim doesn't fit the imagery for me. Humor is so good. There is truly no way a dog could not spend time with this story. Wonder if there are any pet magazines you to take this story to? I think you should try to find a pet magazine on the internet. Sincerely, Saundra
Am I right in feeling tremendous angry coming at me? Of course, I feel that you can still find words to express tremendous anger without using profanity. I think that profanity is a masculine thing (only my thought). Your writing is still very good. I do hope that you care, and that you know that anger is just FEAR. I do think that to become ones self does take some anger, to have courage to become ones self is what is hard. I will place you in my favorite authors because I can sense what you will become, and it is noble. Sincerely, Saundra
I like the use of the little "i". It seemed to me that it was showed you felt insignificant to death, which we all feel that way. Death overwhelms us, and the small "i" made me feel that emotionally. I thought that a change from "now your gone" to "now you are gone" might make that sentence flow a bit better. I have trouble with your, and you're at times also. The sentence "people can see the sorrow in my eyes", could also be "people see the sorrow in my eyes" because it would shorten this sentence a bit, while still keeping the exact same meaning. I like this poem very much, and you most certainly got across the emotions that you felt. Sincerely, Saundra
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