I have to say that I really liked your piece! I think you evoked that which you wanted to get across - anguish, hurt...I think your sentences are well thought out and well put together.
You have good word usage "...like brakes on rust..." and "...the you and me dichotomy."
What a clever use of words. I like the fact that you made your piece short, sweet and to the point yet loaded with emotion. I especially like you line "...that emotional wick to burn brightly once more..." - for some reason it reminds me of the holidays and candlelight at Christmas, which is not so farfetched a feeling I am sure, given your topic.
My eyes are burning! Your words make me want to take away the pain they evoke. Great piece - very touching and emotional...Your imagery is inspiring and I find myself picturing awakening with the dawn.
Family can be careless sometimes, especially when it comes to those characteristics about ourselves we mask. I hope you break free one day...
I thoroughly enjoyed your story! I read it at work and decided to read a paragraph or two every so often. HAHA, I couldn't put it down, so have not attended to my work for some time now. Thank you for a wonderful read.
I like the way you phrased things. I like the words you used for your dialogue, too. Your story was simply written, but loaded with meaning. Great job!
You have a great way of expression. I love the elegant simplicity reading your work afforded me. Your writing seems confident and to me it seems you know what you are doing. Obviously you can write, so in my estimation, I would love to read more of your non-poetry. Thank you for sharing.
I liked your story. I think you had a really nice idea, that you developed well. For me, the story flowed nicely and provided suspense all the way through. I was slightly confused in some parts but not enough that it detracted from anything. I think you do have a talent.
Hmmm, makes me think there was something sinister going on indeed! *giggle* back at ya'
Angel, I actually liked your poem - short but sweet, as the saying goes. A different twist, and quite frankly I would love to know what motivated you to write this, if anything specific. It has, at the same time, an innocent sound to it too. Contradiction? Indeed but it sounds good.
Take care,
Suze
Jerick, I like your ideas. I think you should probably re-read it though - there are one or two spelling errors. I also found that you may want to rethink some wording too - if you repeat a word too often too soon, it kind of takes away from the emphasis.
On the whole though, I like your comparisons and descriptions - definitely made me want to be there!
Locke's poem is powerful. The repetition of the words "Not the only time," which obviously are the basis of the poem, drives home the point of continuous pain being caused by the girl in the poem. I think this repetition evokes a measure of sympathy with the author; I can understand his/her feelings about why he/she feels the way he/she does about the girl in the poem. I like the poem - it says what it needs to say in a simple yet effective way. Perhaps, though, some punctuation would serve to drive home certain points more effectively. Also, I think the last line would probably have been more effective had it been written in the past tense. On the whole, as I said, a very meaningful poem. Good job!
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