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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scarletsage
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14 Public Reviews Given
115 Total Reviews Given
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1
Review of inbetween us  
Review by ScarletSage
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

I pulled this poem off the Shameless Plug page. You said you were drowning, and I thought that I would help pull you out of the water...

Before writing this review, I took a look at some of your other poems, and this one seems vastly different than your others. Maybe that's why you're having a difficult time with it? I know that when I write something that's vastly different than my normal style, I feel like I am drowning, too. Just something I thought I would put on the table before I give you my thoughts on your poem...

The following suggestions, pertain to the entire poem. But, I will use your first stanza to illustrate my suggestions.

First stanza...
standing at the railing, as the sea beneath the stern is churning
she is shielding her eyes, from a thousand flashes
as the waves splinter the sunlight, she is turning
into the wind, to avoid a glimpse of my eyes

Ok, there are a lot of concrete images here, which I feel could be put to better use: the rail, the sea, her eyes, the waves, the sunlight, and the wind.

As I said, those are strong images, which really stand out in this reader's head. But, as a reader, I feel that the use of "ing" is dulling your images and stealing the luster from what your trying to portray.

Take the first line, for example.

"standing at the railing, as the sea beneath the stern is churning."

If the "ing" were removed from each word, maybe the line would stronger, more direct. It'd read something like this...

"Stand at the rail, as the sea beneath the stern churns."


Perhaps, if you started your rewrite by just removing the "ing" from your words, it would help you to see exactly how much power each of your images posseses. You could visually see your poem, as it stands now, through your images. After all, images are the voice of poetry.

I think that would better help you, and your reader's, to"see" your message.

These are just suggestions, and I hope they are helpful. Have a great day and keep up the writing!
2
2
Review by ScarletSage
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow! That was Intense--like "Saw" intense. Yucky, yet intriguing and that's hard to pull off. I'm so curious as to the feedback you've previously received on this beauty, because I am having a hard time forming a worthwhile response for you--not because it's bad, but because it's so dang INTENSE--in a good way, of course.

I absolutly loved the way in which you transitioned from the knife in the girl's belly to the field--AWESOME! My mind was still stuck on the horrific images (the tongue, the blood,the frothing--gross)and then it shift to the sythe--NICE. That transition did awesome in linking this guy's mind to the reality of the situation, and offered up a very visual portrait of his perspective.

Enough said...5 stars!
3
3
Review of my cadence  
Review by ScarletSage
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, that is one of the most beautiful, most eloquent poems I've read in a really, really long time. There is a sense of loss, a longing entertwined in hope...all of which ARE love. Perhaps my favorite lines were:

"ours are the names in your backyard, in the sand.
written as temporary as wind, but as permanent as land.
i should've never let go that night... should i?"

The images of sand and wind and land are vibrant and so perfect for this poem...it gives it an oasis feel...a patch of beautiful among the bland...freedom from death...secret beauty...all of which encompass love, hope, renewel.

Wind is something fleeting, something invisible, intangable, yet always there...always present. Love is like this, yes? It also possesses the ability to move over, through land changing it over time, yet never killing it or changing what it originally was.


I favorited it..
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