Dear MC,
Although I have never read any of his stories, I have heard it said of Hemingway that he put as much detail in his descriptions of food and drink as he could. Your piece reminds me of this idea. Rich in detail, and rich in history, your is a wonderful little tale!
That last 'maybe' - it should be 'may be.' Other than that, I find no fault with this flash fiction!
I hope you won the prize,
PGS
Dear TB,
This is awesome! Call Stephen King - tell him he has competition!
Well played, Tom, well played. It's a good thing I have insomnia; now I don't have to worry about having nightmares ;)
Mostly good spelling - one thing though: 'lightening' is used when the sun is coming up, as in 'the sky is lightening.' What you wanted was 'lightning.'
Good grammar, tension, implied fear; all of this makes it a very well-thought-out tale!
Have you ever read any scary novels by Mr. King? Books like "Christine," "The Stand," or "Needful Things?" They don't have real endings, when you think about it - a story is told, involving characters, both good and evil, but at the end it seems that the bad guy just comes back to let the reader know that evil never truly dies. Yours is like that - there is more to this than 2000 words...
PGS
Dear Milo,
Hmm...very interesting...
This is definitely the first chapter - or is it a prologue? - of something!
You had my attention from nearly the start of this tale - at first, I thought it would be just another rip-off of the Excalibur mythos, but I realize there is more to this story than I initially thought.
When will there be more?
PGS
Dear US,
Great story, but somewhat predictable - I realized she was dead when she tried to talk to her mother. Nevertheless, I liked the detail, and the tension in the girl's narrative.
Some corrections: 'it being' is unnecessary - try 'phones, as if they knew it WAS going to be bad news;' 'whether it was sleeping...;' 'racked' might not be a good word to use - I suggest 'dragged;' 'no one looked at me' - 'did' isn't useful; 'there was desperation in my voice now; my world starting to fall apart;' the 'doors around us opened' - do you mean every door, on both sides of the hallway, opened to let the doctor come out? How about 'the doors near/next to us'?; 'I looked back at the surgeon, a pleading look...;' 'my words echoed around them, but the silence ached on...;' 'grab hold of my mother;' 'I gasped as my hand;' 'and Three AM, and I was dead.'
Still, nice, strong, emotions.
PGS
Dear K,
I think this is uplifting. Nonconformity is definitely a good way to refuse to be placed in someone else's cookie-cutter thought processes, but be careful - sometimes the anti-establishment folks become tomorrow's establishment. There is always going to be an outside-of-the-box rebellion occurring in this crazy world...
Two spelling corrections: 'higher' and 'succumb'.
I like this.
Bend, but do not break.
PGS
Dear R,
It may be presumptive to think everyone else's minds are uncluttered, since you've never asked anyone about their innermost thoughts...that's an assumption that can not be proved without talking to people.
I have been voluntarily institutionalized three times in my late-20s and early 30s, and each time I was quite open to answering the questions posed at me - I wanted to get better, and way the heck out of there! Once I went after cutting into my forearms, but just to see my own blood, not for suicidal ideations. I can't exactly remember the other 'visits,' but I do know they were because I was actively planning suicide, so it was probably for the best that I went in...
Brains are strange machines - there is so much going on in them that it can seem overwhelming every now and then, but just because someone looks like they have it all together, doesn't mean that inside it's all perfectly organized and labelled. I happen to know many people who ask themselves several time during their waking hours, "What am I doing? What do I do now? Can somebody help me?" Folks are always confused, and those that say they know precisely what they're doing constantly are lying through their teeth!
Wait, I've gone to the nuthouse four times - forgot about the one in Austin, TX. Still...I've removed a lot of bad habits since then, and I have been feeling much more content; even though I don't have a permanent job, no car, not much money, and I'm 1400 miles from home (I do rent a room from a good friend - that's where most of my cash disappears).
The experts weren't trying to make me one of them, they were trying to help me find my own way out of my dilemma, and set me free from my own personal demons.
I'm still a work in progress, but that's the point: I'm still working on helping myself.
Hope this helps,
PGS
dEAR rs,
#$%&ing Caps Lock!
Dear RS,
You have a descriptive writing style that leaves me amazed! This poem sums up many things that I contemplate about death, and I praise you for your insight!
When my Father died of cancer, I was just about the only family member that didn't freak out and break down in tears. I thought that something was wrong with me - while others around were getting emotional for days, I was cool-headed. Just once did I cry uncontrollably one night, but the rest of the time I kept it together. Finally I was told that everyone has their own way of dealing with intense feelings; I simply knew what to do in a crisis.
I tell you this because I want you to know that your work has brought me a little closure to what it was like for me, and how I dealt with it at the time.
Thank you,
PGS
Dear AY,
This is the second of your pieces I have read, and they just keep getting better!
In our church (and if you ever read my stories "Go-Jira" and "unDEAD," you'll be surprised that I even know what the inside of a church looks like ;)), there are three new humans within the congregation, and two of them belong to the Pastor's kids. The Pastor, because of his appreciation of firearms, is known as Grambo, a name disapproved of by his children, but as he says, "If they want the candy, they will call me Grambo." :)
I have no kids of my own (I watched my baby brother grow up, and I ride the bus a lot, so I've learned that kids are not my scene; also, you've no idea how many times on the bus I have contemplated an impromptu vasectomy), so sometimes when the noise/unpredictability level rises, I think nasty thoughts - mostly involving duct tape...
Nevertheless, they do grow on me, and there's nothing as heartwarming as seeing them smile or giggle.
Congratulations Grammy,
PGS
Dear RS,
Ha! The contemplative prose, the tension, the fear - the telephone/doorbell! Brilliant!
Those were a lot of big words, and no misspellings - good job!
You say this was written just for fun, but it was, in my opinion, well thought out. I hope to see more of your skills in the future.
If you want some humor, try my two Flash Fictions: "Doctor's Orders" and "Ztory."
And, if you have plenty of time, and a sense of adventure, try my Godzilla tale "Go-Jira," a story of a gang of unlucky criminals who get the score of a lifetime, thanks to the big green lizard. (Too bad their lifetimes are greatly shortened.)
Continue writing excellent stuff,
PGS
Dear S,
Spelling corrections: has your heart ever felt like it's', 'dying', 'feel', 'can't', 'on your own two feet', 'you're scared', 'for i know i will hurt you'
Ah, youth...
Do you know why it's called a 'crush'? When the love one feels for someone else that is not returned it seems like the heart is crushed.
I have had my share of crushes, and they continue to this day - unrequited love is deeply unsettling, but over time people learn to accept it with experience gained from past heartbreaks.
Still, being a teenager it seems like the end of the world when any difficult emotional moment happens, and this is something that won't damage you too much - you just have to, sorry about the cliche, ride it out.
There is a Buddhist saying: "This too shall pass."
I feel for you,
PGS
Dear D,
This sounds like "Alice in Wonderland," sort-of. The descriptions, the links, the people to talk to; it all comes together in a delightful story!
I think this is a good piece for the Newcomer - and I am one, still exploring the different aspects of this vast site...
I have some stuff in my portfolio, and have been reviewing, and have been reading and looking and joining, so maybe I'm not as much of a Newbie as I thought I was, but I thank you for writing such an informative tale.
Judging from the amount of material you now have, I doubt you are still Madame New,
PGS
Dear P,
Not sure if the misspellings are deliberate, but they are spelled 'bipolarised', 'challenged', and 'bear' - as in "I bare my soul, but I bear the pain."
Also, I have been to mental hospitals four times in my life, and each time it was more claustrophobic than the last. Yes, it's a controlled environment, but not in the way the patients want to control things.
Finally, like any controlled setting, there are different personalities - bullies, babies, unpredictables, rebels, out-of-its, dry drunks, and sometimes the legitimate person who is trying to get better and not trying to 'work the system.' I was one of the legit patients, who hated to be inside, but wasn't trying to fight everyone and everything to get my way - I knew the fastest way out of the hospital was to cooperate.
It wasn't better off for me - I hated every time I went in; I felt that I had failed. I haven't been back for three years, and hopefully I won't have to go back.
PGS
Dear TR,
What an interesting tale. I have to admit, it seemed to drag through most of it, but now that I think of it, maybe it was supposed to be tension?
Excellent grammar, punctuation, rhythm, details, and a brilliant premise! The spelling was good, except for 'frantically.'
It almost reads like a horror story, what with the choices the man must make, and their consequences.
Well-thought-out,
PGS
Dear AY,
Oh, this brings back so many (painful) memories! My brother, Travis, and I were born two years apart, and it was a constant battle even through high school - so much rivalry!
I remember one time Mom 'allowed' us to fight. We started wrestling, but when we began throwing hard punches, Mom decided the war was over.
Um, I suggest therapy, since one of the last big fights Travis and I had I threatened him with a kitchen knife. Long story short, it was a three hour battle of wills and blood was spilled, and it didn't stop until our parents came home from whatever event they had gone to.
Funny thing is, we get along very well nowadays - I was his best man at his wedding!
Regardless, this is a great, if violent, tale of siblings.
PGS
Dear A,
Powerful message. I would have given you a better grade, but the rhyme pattern changed within the poem:
aabb, ccde, ffgg, hiji, klml, nopo, qrsr
English is one of the most difficult languages to learn - partially because it is an amalgamation of several languages, dialects, and slang. Most languages have fewer words to describe many different things, so it all gets lumped into the same words to emphasize a bunch of concepts, and things.
Take Haiku: 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables; three lines. The Japanese have a limited number of words to use for anything; it's extremely daunting to make a profound statement with 17 syllables.
However, English is perfectly suited to Haiku - at last count, there were about a million English words!
My point is - despite some rough spots, I am sure you can re-work this poem so that the rhyme scheme doesn't change direction midway through the piece.
Good luck, PGS
Dear H,
I smiled all the way through this little epic. Did she eat five pills, or was it six? In all the confusion, I lost count ;) You're gonna need a bigger portfolio.
It's funny, in my portfolio is a Flash Fiction: "Doctor's Orders." I recommend you check it out. It's written in relatively the same vein, and I composed it for a vocabulary test in high school - so I had to come up with it in 25 minutes :O
It's an offer you can't refuse,
PGS
PS: I knew all of the movie quotes, although "Play it again, Sam" was never uttered by Bogart in Casablanca - Bergman said "Play it, Sam".
Dear S15,
sigh...While George goes a few places, this story doesn't. I would think that the character would feel a sense of accomplishment when he found out the watch worked, so I was surprised that the trophy was where he felt triumphant...
I see you've read a lot of Sci-Fi, plus many other genres, but unfortunately they have had a negative impact on your creativity: while there is no evidence of plagiarism, this piece still sounds like a lot of things I have read in the past. The good news - no misspellings I can detect. The bad news - history has suffered at your hands: World War 1 was from 1915 to 1918.
Finally, have you ever heard of "The Butterfly Effect?" It takes too long to explain here, so just rent the movie of the same name. Or Google/Wikipedia the information. I suggest re-writing this story to show some of the consequences of traveling in time. Perhaps "The Butterfly Effect" is too cerebral, so another shortcut is the old standby "Back to the Future." Without actually mentioning the effect, it tells of the results.
Still, this one is slightly better than "The Death of Alex Smith."
PGS
Dear S15,
Uh, this isn't original, you know...
The pale realtor has been done to death (pardon the pun) in many books, TV shows, and movies, until it has become quite the cliche, and I have read many tales where a person is in a house that still belongs to the dead - and ghostly - first owner. Also, it smacks of 'the Amityville Horror' in several ways. So many ghost stories use this style...
'Run' should be spelled 'ran', and 'breathe' should be 'breath.' I read the story, but it was as predictable as "Avatar," so I found no surprises.
I'll have to look at your other pieces before I can make any judgement on your prowess,
PGS
Dear DA,
This is not so much a story, but more of a blog, and it is not really that - this is more of an opinion.
Yes, those are pertinent, practical, ideas. What they are not, though, are actual things people are willing to do. Also, how do you know folks aren't doing this already?
If I can venture my own opinion, what makes humans do these noble things depends on how much money they can get out of them. It's always about the money. Right now, corporations are getting rich doing exactly the opposite of what you mentioned. Find a way to make your concepts profitable, and then there will be a solution.
Finally, your piece looks like it was written by a third grader: no capital letters, no spaces between sentences, misspelled words, missing words. "Keeps the doctor away." 'eliminate.' 'batteries.'
Keep trying,
PGS
I can't tell if the spelling and grammar mistakes are deliberate or not...
And it would probably be a good idea if 'through' was spelled correctly; that one needs to be accurate, otherwise it would make me think the poem's S & G was actually planned.
That said, I think this piece is rather uplifting! It's full of positivity, detail, and, yes, hope. You have a talent, brother, and if the mistakes aren't mistakes, ignore what I just said ;)
In the meantime, keep the faith.
PGS
Dear CSG,
I have to admit: those were some amazing descriptions! I felt like I was right there in the middle of a massive storm with the character clinging to life and ending with a questionable outcome!
This is one of the gifts of a true fantasy writer - putting the reader on an alien world, or situation.
One thing, though - for many of the notable tales, the author avoids redundant words; it helps to have a thesaurus, or, in my case, a crossword puzzle dictionary. This occurs in two instances in your piece: 'others' and 'slim.' I understand that sometimes there are words that cannot emphasize as well as, uh, others :\ but perhaps re-wording the sentences could open up a better opportunity for removing one of the 'others' that is used.
As for 'slim,' though, there are many synonyms available: weak, negligible, slight, small, meager; you get the idea...
Nevertheless, this is a good beginning.
PGS
Dear HY,
Sometimes, when I am in an uncomfortable situation that either irritates, frightens, or bores me, I will say,"That was...interesting." I find it's a nice way of saying that there was nothing I particularly liked about what happened, but also doesn't sound mean to any expectant host. I've only been called out once, too...
I tell you this because that was the first thing that popped into my mind when I finished your story. But this time I really did find it something to be interested in! I was very entertained by your work!
Death is a mystery, anyone can tell anyone else that, and back it with a bunch of cliches, but I do like writers that use their [sometimes vast] imaginations to describe the indescribable. You have done this.
I also enjoyed the hint that Adam's occupation might have been the reason for his shuffling of the mortal coil.
I hope that you continue to utilize your [vast] imagination,
PGS
For each of his wanderings, taking him to unfamiliar territory, the narrator experiences tension, then release. He is filled with creativity, attempts to solidify this on his word processor, but it becomes like ash the following day. Until he discovers "The One", then it's red gravy.
I have to admit - I thought the story dragged, until I realized there was a kind of creeping dread with every sentence I hadn't yet read.
Unfortunately, I am a Spelling and Grammar Nazi, and I noticed some mistakes: When truncating '-ing", its done like this - talkin', shootin', truncatin' ;)
It reminds me of Poe's "The Gold Bug": the horror is found in the last paragraph.
Excellent work!
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