Firstly, wow! I am definitely interested to see where this is going! This is a great start to a book. What is your plan with the rest of the story? Is this the backing to a story of men? A basic history vital in knowing the beliefs of the people in this world?
Where are you planning on going with it?
In terms of correction of spelling and grammar, I saw no mistakes. I have a personal preference in books I read and write where I am particular in the language used. In my opinion (and know that this is purely my preference) a fight should completely describe what is happening with as few words as possible, leaving a lot to be added in by the imagination of the reader. You have done this fairly well here with only one or two points where I felt that the description was too long for the pace of the action - and even these were not enough to deter me from your writing style.
Keep me posted! I would like to read Chapter One when you post it :)
Thank you for the chance to read through some of your material! I found you on the Shameless Plug.
Your action is pretty good, really. The descriptions you give of each action and reaction are well worded. It did seem, however, that you started to rush it as you went along. In the beginning the spelling and grammar were pretty good, but as it went on there were more and more mistakes.
I do have one suggestion - Read a bit of the book "Way of Kings" by Brandon Sanderson. Sanderson has mastered the art of fast paced action with beautiful and descriptive imagery. It FEELS fast paced. Yet it gives one the exact picture he intended you to create in your mind.
I hope your writing goes far! Come up with a well thought out story line, polish your writing style (as above - and it really isn't bad at all), and you'll be a pretty good writer one day, in my estimation.
I thoroughly enjoyed your poem! It flows very well and is easy to read. I particularly like your analogy describing the protection offered by being in a relationship, that is sometimes hard to put into words.
Firstly, this is a great story :) Your writing style is great and your descriptiveness gives the reader a vivid image of what is happening. I really enjoy a book that reads as well as this one. I am interested to read the rest!
There is one thing however that I must bring up that I found distracted me slightly from the awesome storyline: the speed at which events are brought into the story.
To explain this a bit better let me say this, I enjoy falling in love with the characters of the stories I read. And although the last part of this chapter, when the man reveals that he is her father, definitely impacted on me as a reader I would have felt a bit more of an impact if that revelation came later in the story... Like giving hints at something but only revealing it halfway through the book. The reason for that is that a reader stays interested in a book solely to find out what happens next. Therefore, the key to keeping your reader reading is MYSTERY. And a mystery is really just composed of incomplete knowledge. So, the first chapter could have been mostly about her usual life and getting to know her parents and her, etc. It doesn't have to be long-winded, but enough to give the reader some attachment to the characters. That way when the man reveals that he is her father (later in the book) it is more of a shock. Writing that way keeps the reader on his toes and will ensure that they pay attention to the details you do so well to put into your writing.
Good luck and keep writing! You're really very good!
It is hard to review the story as not much has happened yet, so I will leave that for when you have written more.
I do have one suggestion though: you use a mix of modern speech and more formal speech. I suggest you stick to one or the other. For the type of story you seem to be going for, the best option of those two would be formal speech as that communicates propriety - which would fit with the fact that the characters in the chapter are royalty.
Otherwise, keep on writing! You've done an alright job!
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