Overall, I love it! I am interested in the characters and what they have to offer in future chapters. I have included a bunch of "editorial" suggestions that you --obviously :P-- are completely free to disregard. I think you have also done a great job with setting and dialog. I would be interested in some more forshadowing or details relating to the overall theme or direction or conflict... But I know sometimes that kind of info isn't available when just starting out on a project.
Paragraph 4: The lights danced romantically upon the water as if it were a stage fit for lovers. They danced upon the water as if it were a stage fit for lovers.
Repeat. :)
Paragraph 5: Mizzy was behind the bar entertaining one man with her stories of her youth yet seducing him with her tone and eyes.
Rough sentence. Can use commas and maybe "one man with stories of her youth..."
Paragraph 6: As her and the man, who was drunk on his mind and had his eyes...
Did you mean, "...drunk out of his mind..."?
...found a seat at the bar and sat quietly. Even with me sitting there she still didn’t notice me.
Maybe find a more fluid way with this group...less "seat, sat, sitting"
Paragraph 7: ...to see all the ex-criminals Cheul had to offer, but it didn’t feel swayed nor intimidated.
Did you mean, "...I didn't feel swayed..."?
Paragraph 15: ...between me and a Kralphinian mariner, Kralphinians, from what I’ve heard,...
I would start a new sentence here after "mariner".
However, though I did lose I managed to get close to winning.
"However, though I did lose..." is kind of redundant. If you'd keep it, there should probably be a comma after "lose".
Paragraph 16: I would rather do that than chourge up all the food I had to eat.
charge up?
Paragraph 20: I feel bad. You’re a woman, but yet you don’t even know!
Great story and very descriptive. I can picture the scenes and start to get an idea of the characters and the conflicts they face. You can use some editing, and believe me, good grammar really helps the reader stay in the story and feel the moods you are setting up. I also tend to like reading stories that leave a little more of the characters' clothing and specific features to the imagination. It lets more of the ideas you are expressing come through and it's easier for each reader to fill in some blanks. :)
I like your writing style and definitely believe the story you are telling should be required reading for everyone. It's sad that in such a "civilized" world people are treated this way, especially in what is meant to be the most "civilized" environments.
Very powerful and engaging. I am curious as to whether this is a poem from life experience or imagined experience. It conveys emotions attached to the situation very well and gives an awesome message. The last few generations have been big on changing our situation rather than relying on tradition to inform our future and I believe it is vital to continue that, even when it gets a ton of "bad press". Good flow and strong wording. The only suggestion I have is that the last stanza sort of loses the "show, don't tell" quality at the beginning of it. :)
Curious as to whether this is a poem from life experience, or imagined experience. It has a great message and flow. I really enjoyed the idea of being a young man looking toward a future he knows is destined for destruction. Beginning with the beauty of the area that coal mining is most prevalent in and expressing the longing to be there, as opposed to down in the mine, is effective. I would say that maybe there isn't as much of a sense of emotion, grief, putting the reader IN the scenario instead of simply telling about it as there might be. Maybe a few more precise adjectives and emotional wording and/or colloquial language would give it more depth. Great poem! I love finding expressions of all walks of life in poem form. :)
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