Wow... at first I didn't think that this would work, but you did an excellent job of pulling just the right words together to make the image of romance and love. Very crafty and entertaining. There are so many images and emotions that can be gleaned from this poem... reading it over and over again can bring different meaning each time. Thank you very much for sharing your work. It was very creative.
Very good beginning to what I assume will be a larger piece. One thing that I could go back and look at is the use of Titles. When using something like God of Magic, when referring to Edrick... I believe that should all be capitalized. I'm not sure that a shifting of POV is as good in print as it is on the screen. Trying to get the thoughts of so many people while telling the story makes it hard sometimes to follow where the 'spotlight' is. One more little thing, it has to do with Now'chi and being both the God of Chaos, Shadow God of the Twelve Realms and the God of Evil. Chaos and Evil don't always have to equal each other, or better yet, they are not the same things. I understand that in your universe they are. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of Game of the Gods. Thank you for allowing me to read your story.
This is a very good beginning. I really liked the attention to detail. It pulled me in, however, I would have liked to know a little more about the setting... where are we? What type of house is this? Is there a father somewhere? Why doesn't Tulle fear for her existence? What does she do that she has been able to hide her talents? You have raised my curiosity about what a Soul Born is and I will have to continue reading. Thank you.
I think that you have done a nice job of trying to make happy and light a situation that is not. However, I think that your poem might have more power if you would let the idea of rhyming go. And example where it isn't working very well, is the everywhere and fear. It also just feels odd to have 2 sections with 4 lines and 2 sections with 6.
Your intent is nice... maybe if you looked at it in a different manner, it might have a little more meat. How could you solve the problems, without a wish... or how could you make (work) a wish into reality?
The storytelling was nicely done. Starting with action, then picing in memories to give a more complete picture of what the doctor, Joe Travis, was experiencing. The ending was good, however, a little conventional and expected. Depending on your goal in writing this story, you have basically done a good job.
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