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Review by shadows
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,
First, you have a very good story-line and the plot is captivating, however you should try to include more punctuation so as to ease the reading. It makes the plot easier to follow when we know where to pause or stop. Punctuation usually brings out how exactly the writer intends the story to flow.

Second, I would recommend that you add a bit more vocabulary and also more description, this can really capture someone's attention and create the expected image in mind.

That aside I really like your idea and your story. Although its just a draft I look forward to reading more.

Keep the fire burning!
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