Wondering across the Reviewing page, I was caught by . Being 'Caribbean' myself I couldn't resist.
My Likes:
The dialect is perfect and the spelling even brings out the Jamaican accent. It helps to paint the setting.
The first paragraph trul captured the tourist outlook of the island people.
“Ladies don’t buy things when they have their men around.” This was kind of funny to me, and it showed her boldness. The words suggested that she had knowledge of where she stood in his world{/i] and from that I sensed foreshadowing.
waves softly kissing the shore is the exact phrase I think every time I hear the waves caress a shore. Reading it really awoke my mental hearing.
The plot kept my interest 'til the end. I enjoyed how the snippets of information was given.
I really liked the personalities of the characters, which were brought across clearly.
I think that there are certain words used which break away from the persona. For instance ravaged, and predicament.
(Just my opinion)
My Likes:
The expression was good, with the exception of that spoken of above. The plead could be heard throughout the poem, not simply in the lines Don't forget me, mommy. The story and feelings were told and shown effectively.
Feel free to take what is needed and leave the rest.
The description and expressions are good. I'm especially drawn to the second and third verses. The comments on peoples point of view also adds to the readers enjoyment.
The ideas come across perfectly, with no wasted words. It is easy to understand and feel. The use of the exclamation mark in the first line really help in adding feeling to the piece. I really like this.
At first I thought the last line fell short, as I read it over, I felt the hope for the love of the dear one within.
I like the transition. Enough of each stage was given for understanding.
What can be changed:
In the third line of the first verse, around takes from the flow and can be removed.
In the fourth line, second verse, and no one else can also be removed.
In the third verse, both around in the second line and And, which begins the third can also be deleted. They both break the poem. The forth line does the same and add more to the poem if it were rephrased.
In the fourth verse, fourth line the extra words, that fact are unnecessary.
I believe your piece would be much stronger if you added punctuation
My Likes:
The rhyming helps the rhythm, making it easier for reading and comprehension. The formatting is plus. The organization of the poem in quatrain verse, is also good and isn't hurt by the last verse of five lines.
The first paragraph below that the charcat had been with the monks for two years, the second that the time in which the story is told is eighteen years after that time. In the third paragraph however, it is mentioned that she was seventeen one year before that. I do believe that needs adjusting.
It had already been two years and the Elders were reluctant to send her away, despite the protestations of some of the younger monks. She couldn’t remember why she was allowed to stay, but she remembered what they said.
“Syona Gyan,” one of the Elders said, placing his hands upon her small head. “Lucky Enlightenment, for that truly is your path.” She hadn’t understood what he meant by that, and even eighteen years later it wasn’t much clearer. After that moment, her life was training. Her teachers told her always, “There is power in the mind and there is power in the body. Only when you attune them both will you see the makings of the world.”
“I don’t understand,” she would complain whenever the training seemed beyond her. Thinking back on it from where she sat a few miles above her country, she realized that she didn’t know how she realized it, but she knew when she did. It had only been a year since it happened when she was introduced to Sajjan. I must have been seventeen, she thought to herself. Has it been that long?
I belive the last sentence is the thought of Sajjan and should be italized.
Syona holding the leash only a few steps behind. At the double set of glass doors, he looked up at her. After you.
My Likes:
ring or buzz or screech or honk really brought forth the irritation and never-ending element of the noise.
You really gave Sajjan a personality I like that.
The descriptions are good, along with the dialogue.
*wonders if there might be a continuation, even though the ending seems concrete{e:smile*
Write On!
Happy New Year!
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Interesting and clear, up to the second to last line.
What can be changed:
The pronoun I is usually capitalized.
In line eleven, I believe astay should be astray.
I'm baffled by the last line. I gather that there's a difference between a friend and friends, but the last line doesn't clarify it for me. Would you mind expounding on it?
My Likes:
Here the rhyming kept the rhythm and smooth flow. Also liked the line, so go on counting X, Y, Zed.
It's interesting. A Romeo/Juliet type piece with a more sorrowful ending, accomplished through the use of the after death experince/feelings of the lovers.
What can be changed:
The piece was lacking emotionally, specifically the love between the characters. The ever underlying tone of lose is present and felt fully, moreso than the love. The piece would be strengthened if the love is expressed more, in doing so the feeling of lose would also be hieghtened.
My Likes:
The after death feeling was the strongest, in my opinion, along with the death scene, the flash back. The end seemed much better than the begin.
Both realistic and creative, which helps to keep the interest of the reader.
The Characters:
Casdin and Caro are described well. The reader is able to feel for and with them. On the other hand Josie, though a secondary character-is one dimensional. The fun she is described as having isn't grasped.
What can be changed:
There is a switch between the spelling of the drink, Madras and Madres. I am unaware of the correct spelling, either find it or use one and not both, in one piece. Here, Watching me from under hooded eyes he asked, “You don’t remember me do you.” the period should be a question mark
My Likes:
The way in which the past of both characters were brought forth is very good.The personalities of the characters'and the strength of both are good, though Caro seems more reserved.
A very good overall piece. Good luck in the "The Writer's Cramp" Contest!
This item was very helpful and informative for me and will be used as a map as I review fellow writer's pieces, with the mentioned elements along with clarity. Just a bit long, FOR ME (I dislike reading if the article isn't story likeunfortunately for me). But it served the overall purpose.
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