*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shirlene/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
267 Public Reviews Given
279 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 ... Next
51
51
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A humorous view of the rigors of cyber-dating


*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          This piece, while on the light side, touches on the dark side of the increasing popularity--as well as difficulty-- of finding a date through the Internet. You gave plausible explanations for what drove the main character to consider finding a date on the Internet. Her prior lack of taking chances, her 'over 50' attitude, all done with an ability to laugh at herself along the way, was refreshing and realistic.

Your character's extreme caution revealed the dangers of Internet dating without being preachy. I liked that.




*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          The piece was well-written with no spelling/grammar errors that I noted. However, In my personal opinion, (and remember, it is only my opinion) I think the ending is a little abrupt and unexpected. I felt like there should be more. Is this the introduction to a longer piece, perhaps?

If not, then you might want to consider lengthening your ending just a bit. Otherwise, it was an enjoyable as well as informative, read.


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked the sense of humor of the main character. Some her thoughts were down-right funny.


I learned a lot I didn't know about cyber-dating from this piece. I've never had any reason to dabble with it, but I wouldn't be human if I wasn't curious about such a new phenomena. It's a little scary, actually. Great job on telling it. *Thumbsup*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


52
52
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a good story. The dialog is incredible. The dialog reminds me of a story I read by Ernest Hemingway called, "Hills Like White Elephants."

The dialog between the characters actually brings them alive as well as moves the plot forward. No easy feat, but one you have done well.

I not only enjoyed the story, but I am totally impressed with your story-telling style. The only word for this story is Wow!
53
53
Review of Cosmogony  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
In this day and age of scientific discovery and experimentation, your characterization of Dr. Rennett, the staid professor, dependant upon his known scientific knowledge, and Mico-chan, the young AI bursting with new life, made this story hauntingly pausible. A futuristic Dr. Frankenstein, if you will.

I enjoyed reading it. Your scientific jargon made it all the more realistic. Great job!
54
54
Review of The Orchid Bride  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story is a winner in anyone's book. I enjoyed reading it. Your descriptions were richly detailed, giving me a glimpse of a life style so different than my own.

This story gives a lot of hope, not only for the young couple, but for a better way of life for Fatima's entire village.

Great job. I loved it.
55
55
Review of The Beast  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting and Original


*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          I'm not up on Gryphon folklore, but from what I read, you made these creatures believable. It was wonderfully detailed. I liked the inner turmoil of the main character, who overcame his fear to help this creature. Your detailed description of the Gryphon made this creature live and breathe. Great job on that


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          As this is a short story, and I am assuming under also a word length restriction, I would suggest tightening the beginning of your story, so that it doesn't feel like you rushed the ending. Maybe it was just me, but I would have liked to know a little more about the purpose of the sanctuary and why it was necessary to protect the Gryphons, and from what? Why were handlers trained, and why did it take so long to do so?


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked this original angle from which you told the story of saving this rare Gryphon. It held my interest. I enjoyed reading it. Even though the ending was not what I expected, I still felt this story was a good read. I really liked the detail you put into your descriptions. Very nicely done.


Maybe a shorter ending would actually strengthen this story. Perhaps ending it at the point where we know the Gryphon would live, and because the main character had saved the Gryphon's life, he would be following him around until he had repaid him? This is just my opinion, though. Perhaps other reviews will feel differently. If you're happy with the story the way it is, that is all that counts. *Thumbsup*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


56
56
Review of Another Storm  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just read your story. I can see why you used this as an example of a good beginning in your short story newsletter. Your story kept me spell-bound throughout. I loved the way you built the tension. I kept wondering how it would end. I can see why it has been published. I thoroughly enjoyed it very much and will strive to put action and dialog in my own stories. Thanks for sharing it with us. Dixie
57
57
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (5.0)
A loving tribute to gone, but not forgotten, family members


*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
         This story touched my heart. We all have those cherished family members who will forever remain in our hearts. You have shared your own family with us in a precious and unique way.

Your descriptions of each family member--Grandad, Nana, Pa, and the others--made them come alive for me, so that I could see their individual personalities. You engaged all my senses.

I could smell the dusty pipe tobacco and gramma's pies. I could hear the whistling tea kettle, snipping scissors, and truck pulling up in the drive. I could feel the crisp whiskers on my face and big strong hands pulling me from an angry ocean. I could see the pretty little posy of hand picked flowers, red lipstick lips and Azaleas everywhere. Excellent!


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          None. I think it is perfect as is.


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked all the individual personalities you brought to life with such startling clarity. Yes. there are ghosts in your kitchen. And, they all love you!


I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. I will remember it for a long time. *Thumbsup*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


58
58
Review of But Today  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a perfect choice for a title


*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          This essay was a well-written, touching tribute to the fleeting moments of motherhood. Your introduction led smoothly into the main body of your essay. Each thought transitioned snugly into the next without one hesitant step.

It was particularly effective the way you ended each paragraph. Those one word sentences caught the mixed emotions that tugs at a mother's heart watching her child grow up right before her eyes far more eloquently than any longer sentence you might have devised.

Your descriptions were simply beautiful. It was almost like reading a poem. My mother's heart was so moved by your essay. I felt as though you took the words right out of my heart. You are a very talented writer. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story.


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          there was only one word that I noticed, that might have been misspelled

Today, I worry that he will loose his first baby tooth...


Did you perhaps mean to say he will lose his baby tooth?


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I think I liked your one word sentences the best. 'Relief', 'Regret'.

I especially liked the way you ended your essay: "Relish and remember". After all, isn't that all any mother can really do?


A beautiful essay. I *Heart* 'd it!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
59
59
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.0)
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          I liked the way you included sample newsletters for those interested to be able to read before they sign up for your newsletter. I think this newsletter will be of real value to those who enjoy reviewing and would like to improve their craft.


*Check4* CONCISE AND TO THE POINT:
         Maybe it was just me, but I felt it was a little too concise. I could not understand what link I was supposed to click on to sign up and had to contact the newsletter manager by email to ask how to sign up for the newsletter.

If that is what those interested are supposed to do, then perhaps you might want to clarify that a little more for writers like myself who invariably open the wrong end of the ice cream box.

*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          The sign-up process should be simplified. If I hadn't been truly personally interested, I would not have followed through at all. It would be a shame to miss this interesting, informative newsletter because I couldn't figure out how to sign up for it.


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked the way you included actual sample newsletters. I enjoyed reading the samples very much. They whetted my appetite for more. I think this newsletter will be very helpful.



                   From the tip of our pens come miracles
                              that touch other men's souls...Haley Frances

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
60
60
Review of Seasons  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.5)
How Romantic!


*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
         Your setting is so believable I felt I was there. Your symbolism of the 'seasons' was so appropriate to this piece. It tied into your title and theme like a hand in a glove. I loved it


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          The only one I could possibly offer is to have a little dialog in the paragraph where the couple first met in the park. I think that could have given this piece a little more immediacy. But, that is only my opinion. It was well-written. I enjoyed reading it very much


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
         I liked it all, and it was hard to pick one I liked above the others. But, I think I liked your opening scene best. It caught my interest and whisked me right into your scene. And, of course, I liked your ending. It was perfect!


Great job *Thumbsup*

                   From the tip of our pens come miracles
                              that touch other men's souls...Haley Frances

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
61
61
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
TITLE: Through Everything
Author: Emily


*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          Death is always an uncomfortable, difficult subject to either write about, or read. And, your story has captured one of the most dreaded moments in any married person's life; dealing with the death of one's mate. Your view point, however, told through the eyes of Elizabeth, gave this story just the perspective it needed to keep it from being maudlin. Elizabeth's view point, that of a close friend, gave it the poignancy it deserved, yet minimized the morbidity of the actual subject matter.

Your opening:

The funeral had been over for eight days, but....I - I was still sleeping in the guest bedroom, washing dishes in a kitchen that wasn't mine, trying to explain to an infant who didn't belong to me that her mother wasn't coming back....


injected into this story a brisk practicality, that was like a breath of fresh air in the stuffy room of grief.




*Check1* SUGGESTIONS:
          I didn't notice but one spelling/grammar error. 'All right' is two words.

However, I did notice a couple of places that were a little murky to me.

I stumbled, *half-blind, into her room..
*I would suggest changing this to 'still half-asleep,' or 'groggily,' "half-blind," makes me wonder what half-blinded her.

*Intuitively, my hand flew to my heart
*this word doesn't make sense to me. Maybe instinctively, or startled, might be a better word choice.


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked your ending best:

I don't know how long we sat there in that dark hallway, holding hands, crying. It didn't matter how long. My whole body was empty; void. When the tears ran out, he turned to look at me, reaffirming my faith that he knew.

Through everything, precious friend. Through everything.

By those last lines, you elevated this sad story to one of hope and of a brighter day ahead. It left me with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. And, after all, isn't that what great story-telling is all about.



*Check5*JUST MY OPINION:
         Even sad stories, if told with dignity and grace, can be an enjoyable read. And your's, I found heart-touching in the Nth degree.

Now where did I put my tissues?

                   From the tip of our pens come miracles
                              that touch other men's souls...Haley Frances

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
62
62
Review of Unintitled  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is the beginning of an interesting story.

*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          You have a unique storytelling style that interested me. I completely disagree with you about you not being so great at description. Your dialog is is fantastic. The following quote is typical of what I found throughout your story:

“No!” This time it was the boy’s voice, sharp, angry almost. “No. She doesn’t know anything…you don’t want her,” he reasoned, sounding almost desperate. The man laughed (although Rose could hardly call it a laugh, as it was cold and completely humorless), and Rose heard footsteps approaching. Before she could hide, grab something to protect herself, even wipe her face, the man appeared in the doorway.


At the end, I had to assume two things about your story. One, this is an unfinished first draft, and two, it is to be continued. So I have made allowances for those assumptions in reading and reviewing this piece.

Overall, I found this piece interesting. Your mysterious unfolding of the plot kept me reading despite the editing errors, which I will go into in my suggestions. Your setting and atmosphere kept my interest all the way through. Can't wait to see how this piece is resolved.





*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
Here are some of the errors I noticed, though I must confess, I got so caught up in the story line that there could be others I didn't notice. However, I think I have given enough examples for you to see where you need to go with your editing. Where possible, I have noted suggestions for revising. Remember, these are only my opinion. Other reviewers may offer other, better ones. I suggest you wait for other reviews before editing your story.

she was too soft-hearted to deny it them,

A sudden chill caused her to pull (her) shirt around

and picked up the (her) candleshe was seeing by

She dropped her candle, causing it to distinguish (extinguish),

She grabbed it instinctually,(instinctively)

all sense of calmness forgot(ten) when

whoever it(he) was

his eyes (were) still filled with sadness.

Before she could offer thanks and apology, or even orient *out of his lap *(I thought she was in his arms, not his lap)

“It’s *alright,” she replied, *(all right is two words)

who(m) he could recognize(d). as(He was) one of the higher powers in The Denomination,

Derrick only laughed and preceded (proceeded) to the kitchen

he moved in *(-) front of her **instinctually *(doesn't need a hyphen)
**(spelling)




*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked your dialog best. Believable dialog is harder than it looks. I know I break out in a cold sweat over my own. You are great at it. I would love to see the rest of this story. Would you be so kind as to let me know when there is more? Yes, I liked it that much.

Oh yes, by the way, welcome to Writing.Com.




                   From the tip of our pens come miracles
                              that touch other men's souls...Haley Frances
63
63
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an incredible treasure for anyone wishing to improve their writing skills

*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          I was impressed from beginning to end. It was a comprehensive, easily understood, richly-detailed, treasure trove of advice that any writer can learn much from. I can assure, your plot graph will be pasted to every scene I am working on from now on. Every writer should read this!


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
         None. It is a flawless piece of writing.


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          If I had to choose one thing, it would have to be your organization. You led the reader from one point to the next so effortlessly, it felt like I was being led by the hand down an unfamiliar corridor into the light of understanding. From your beginning paragraph:

Nothing so solidly anchors a work of fiction in the readers' minds than knowing when and where something is taking place. Settings provide bases of operations for everything that happens in your story or novel, and as importantly, they--along with the characters that will do things in there--provide you with a means to actually tell a story, rather than simply reporting information. Here are a few ways for you to put your readers in the times and places where those stories can emerge.


To your ending:

...We can often learn tricks and experience "ah-ha" realizations...


You lead the reader, step by step, into ways to do just that. I thank you for that light of understanding.


                   From the tip of our pens come miracles
                              that touch other men's souls...Haley Frances

64
64
Review of I: Wraith  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Book Title:Wraith of the Stone
Author: Jeremy P. Belknap
Chapter Title: Prologue


OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          This is a well-written piece of fiction. Very polished and detailed descriptions. The setting is in keeping with the storyline. The atmosphere gives this the right mood to heighten the tension. Several round characters are emerging. I like it!

Plot:
         Your plot moves along nicely, though I question putting a flashback in a prologue. It totally disoriented me when I came to it.

I know you have a fantastic opening. To me, it set the tone for the prologue. Never the less, it interrupts the story flow. I could accept that in a first chapter, but I can't recall a single prologue that had this flashback order. They run in real time. Just try reading your opening for the second scene:

Heavy raindrops smacked into the window before slowly trickling down the pane of thin glass. The occasional pound of small hailstones emitted throughout the room lined with leather-bound books— varying in topic and thickness— from the rich mahogany wooden floor to the high vaulted ceiling. A large stone hearth broke the rows of bookshelves, and a weak fire lighting the stuffy room. Two leather green chairs sat angled on either side of the massive fireplace. Feina sat with a cup of warm tea clenched in her hands, staring absently into the dwindling flames. Ghadrik stood at a small marble table between the two chairs, pouring himself another drink.

Feina simply stated, "I've decided to leave my position as Chancellor."


That opening is every bit as good as the first, creates the same atmosphere, and would keep your scenes in sequence. Other than that, I think your plot is perfect. You've set everything up so that I want to turn that page and start reading the first chapter.


Setting:
The setting is original, believable, and your attention to details such as your second paragraph contains put me right there in a believable place. You gave a lot of information to me in just that one paragraph. I especially liked the way you so cleverly tied in their present location with the citadel:

Thick shadows clung to the spiring Oaks, falling beams of the three moons spilling through the entwining branches overhead. The scene resembled one of the Radiance tapestries that lined the walls within St. Astrii's Citadel in Thoros.

Good job on that.



Characterization:
         You have created three believable characters that are real to me. Lady Feina, Khameris,and Ghadrik. Your richly-detailed descriptions of them are over the top. There was only one little detail about Khameris that I feel needs to be changed if she is going to be Ghadrik's love interest in this story and I feel she is.

Khameris deeply sighed, brushing her hands back through her stringy red hair...


and then Ghadrik's thoughts about her later in the story:

"Oh, yes. The view." He took a moment to regather himself. "It's very beautiful." Why had he suddenly found her attractive? He couldn't. She had blossomed from the gangly five-summer-old girl into a beautiful young woman before his eyes;


I think you can see that Khameris's stringy hair needs to go, and be replaced with a better description--unless there is a reason it's stringy. If so, that needs explained. While we're on the subject of Khameris, I thought this was a little awkward:

Khameris raised her right leg and laid it under her left knee


Wouldn't it be simpler to just say she crossed her legs? If it is some sort of ritual, then that needs clarified

Spelling/Grammar:
          I really didn't notice any major ones. Though I must confess, I got caught up in your story and I could have missed something. If I did, it had to be minor. I've all ready mentioned the few things that sort of bumped in your story.

WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked everything so it was hard to say what I liked best, but if I had to pick one, it would be the Rhuk carrier. That was just too cool.

The Rhuk-carrier rose into the air with a single, long downward thrust of the bird's wings.


Only one little thing about the carrier itself that I thought felt a little out of keeping with the setting was calling the carrier a cabin, which, to me, evokes Little House on the Prairie, but I'm darned if I can offer any suggestions to replace 'cabin' with. But the idea of this giant bird used basically like a medieval airline, as opposed to an ordinary dragon was very original. great job.


                   From the tip of our pens come miracles
                              that touch other men's souls...Haley Frances


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
65
65
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cute modernization of Aesop's tale!

*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          I liked it. You brought Aesop into our modern world with a bang! I couldn't help sympathizing with Bess, (being from from the country myself) but I especially loved your characterization of Jennifer which you summed up nicely in the following excerpt:

         "After she graduated from the exclusive college where she majored in snobbery,..."

You made her a person we can love to hate with your realistic description of her.


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          There was only one major typo that I noticed: "... Beth took one last glance at her small village...".

Just a suggestion, instead of just saying 'exclusive' when referring to Jennifer's college she had attended, I think giving it a name like 'Madam Pomphery's Private Academy for Young Ladies' or some high-sounding name would give it a little more originality.

*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked Bess's closing statement the best:

          “I think I’m just a country mouse at heart and should stay there, but I do thank you for showing me that ‘Better beans and bacon in peace than cakes and ale in fear,’ to quote Aesop.” Good Job.



Keep'em Comin' *Thumbsup*
                                        The Dixie Writer


66
66
Review of The Magic Stone  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.5)
A sweet, heart-touching story

*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          You have captured the pain of loss of both father and son beautifully. Beaches can be lonely places at times. It was a perfect setting for your story. The father's self-doubt, his fears about raising his son alone, his pain of loss for not only for himself, but for his son--you have made them realistic and believable. Good job on that.


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          You do have a few spelling/grammar errors that need to be edited out; mostly commas. And, if I am not mistaken, there are several verbs scattered throughout your story that you need to double-check for the correct tense. Switching back and forth between past and present can get confusing.

But I feel these were minor, and did not overly detract from the flow of your story. You had some very good imagery-- such as the boy sitting Indian-style in the sand--that pulled me right onto to the beach with your characters.



*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked the simplicity of the child's explanation for the loss of his magic stone. It was so believable and tender it touched my heart. You have taken a usually morbid subject and turned it into an upbeat message filled with hope of a brighter future. Good job. I salute you.


Keep'em Comin' *Thumbsup*
                                        The Dixie Writer


67
67
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Wow!           I'm Impressed!

*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
         I could never have written a story in 55 words (I'm entirely too long-winded) but you have done just that. You made it not only believable, but I felt like I was there feeling this guy's stress. How cool is that!


*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
         Only one suggestion, pardon my audacity, but if you changed the following:

         "An unfamiliar face from the crowd comes up to me. She hands me a note. I found someone. Sorry."

to something like this:

          "a stranger came up and handed me a note. I found someone else. Sorry."

I think you would stay within your word limit, and it would clarify the note she wrote. It's just my opinion, of course. It's great like it is. Just trying to tweak it a little.




*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
         your ability to write a story in 55 words. Wish I could do that!
Good Job! *Thumbsup*


          Welcome to Writing.Com
         
                                        The Dixie Writer

68
68
Review of Starship Sentry  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.0)
Intriguing

*Check4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          The first time I read it, I kept thinking, boy does this piece need some polishing. It was only at the end, when you came up with the fantastic plot twist that I realized the uniqueness of your item. It is very unique. I next researched what other reviewers were saying about your piece to see if my thoughts were out in left field, and apparently, according to other reviewers, they are.
          One thing, though, that they had in common was remarks similar to this: "when I read it the second time". So, maybe my thoughts are not that far out in left field after all, because my question is: How many people in the real world would read your story a second time? How many publishers would finish reading it to catch the plot twist? I say this because you asked for things to help you smooth out the clunkiness as you call it. Well, here are a few off the top of my head

*Check2* SUGGESTIONS:
          For one, it wasn't until the end of the story that the reader learned the Sensor's name,'Bones'.
Perhaps you could put it at the beginning so that I'm not following just the Sensor throughout the story. (As a dedicated Trekkie this was very confusing for me. For example:
"The Sensor,a bionic onboard nano-engineered sensor, Bones for short...etc., etc.,"
then throughout the rest of the story instead of saying just The Sensor, you've got a pausible (to trekies anyway) explanation for the the sensor being called Bones without giving the plot twist away.
         For another suggestion, instead of saying the Starship Chippewa, a simple, 'The Chippewa' would suffice. If Captain Kirk (and crew) said the starship Enterprise every time they said the Enterprise, I think you see how tiring that would get.
It's the details like this that would smooth a very good story into a fantastic one. Of course, that is just my opinion. Hope it was some help to you.


*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
         Your originality, your plot twist, and, of course, your ending.


CLOSING COMMENTS:
          I think this is a good story, but I think sci-fi buffs would have some problems with it the way it is, simply because of how I felt reading it. I loved the end. That was what made it believable, but, to be honest, I almost didn't finish it because it had some confusing terminology like I mentioned. The ending makes the story worth reading---but, I don't want to have to read it twice to appreciate it.
Good Luck with your writing.
                                        The Dixie Writer


69
69
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.0)
*chek4* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
          Alice in Wonderland eat your heart out! As this is a draft, I ignored the spelling and grammar errors and concentrated on the storyline itself. I thought it was quite unique. Good Imagery. Good descriptions, good dialogue.

*Check2* Suggestions:
         I think you could clarify your ending a little more. It kind of left me hanging there. How did tripping and fallling into the water, and obviously hitting your head relate to your ending of your main character being insane? Maybe it was just me, but I didn't get it.

*Check3* WHAT I LIKED BEST:
          I liked how your story began and developed. It was quite believable. I liked your "Hippie/pirate" characters. I especially liked your detailed description of the inside of the submarine . Believable description of Key West. You caught the atmosphere of it. (I'm from Florida so maybe I'm a little partial about that.)

          I think your story has definite possibilites. I'd like to see it again after you've done some polishing on it. It was cool, Dude!

Welcome to Writing.com The Dixie Writer
70
70
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression:
It is an ingriguing storyline, a refreshing change to look at the opposite of your typical hero. I think it has a lot of possibilities even though it needs a little polishing.

What I Liked best:
The originality of the storyline. You wrote from a unique perspective that really caught my attention. I also liked your ending. (Not that the guy killed himself, but your unique wording suggesting that.
"I never expected Nancy to be my Juliet.....But maybe I can be her Romeo."

Suggestions:
For one;clean up your mispelled words and grammer errors, it detracts from the reading flow. I know it's kind of hard typing on the website, but you'll get used to it. Or, do like I do and use the word processor on your computer and the spell check to correct those mispelled words. You can then use copy and paste function to put onto the website. (this is just a suggestion for future reference).
Just one other thing; I'm from the south and I am curious--do roses grow in winter up north where it' cold? Or, was he visualizing Nancy's yard the way it looked when he left 5 yrs. ago? If so, you might want to mention that.

This is a cool story. Keep it coming. And, a warm welcome to Wring.com. The Dixie Writer
71
71
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression:
This was a well-developed essay. You laid out your points logically. You gave the pros and cons of each argument, then reached logical conclusions for each argument before proceeding to the next.

Suggestions:
None to offer.

What I liked best:
I think it was the fact (though you said it in very technological terms) that our brains, our ability to reason, is one proof for the belief in a Supernatural God, even though it is unprovable scientifically. I will add an amendment to that statement: It is "CURRENTLY" unproveable scientifically. Who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Good Essay. I enjoyed it thoroughly
72
72
Review of Intro(Apprentice)  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall Impression:
Piers Anthony once said at a reading of his that I attended, "Writing is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration." I have found that to be so true.
You do have the beginning of an original idea. It would be cool reading a story about the education of a young witch. It needs more work, however.

In reading over your piece, I found there is a noticeable number of grammar and/or spelling mistakes. As this appears to be a first draft, I tried to overlook those, however.

All your characters need developed a little more, and I think you could choose a much more original name for the housekeeper, as she appears to be a major character in this piece.

Despite these deficencies, however, I think your idea has a lot of potential. It could be the beginning of a very interesting novel. One I would be interested in reading.

Keep it coming. You'll get there. The Dixie Writer
73
73
Review of Rockabee  
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! What a thought-provoking story. Has this story been published yet? It has that polished feel to it.

Overall Impression:
Well, I guess I just gave it. However, when first started reading it, it reminded me of one of Piers Anthony's Adept series, his started with a funny old man, too. But as I read on, any similarities ended.
I enjoyed the whole story, but your imagery really stood out in my mind.

WHat I Liked Best:
Your imagery. Your originality. I especially liked your ending. Put me in mind of a parable.

Suggestions:
I don't have any to offer. It flowed smoothly. There were no snags, no errors that I noticed. It was an enjoyable read. Can't wait to read Elkwaster's King when you're done with it, if this is an example of your skill.

Keep'em comin'. The Dixie Writer
74
74
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression:
Well, you've certainly captured the essence of what it means to be a cat owner. You've done it in a way that is both warm and humorous. I thought the ending was especially appealing.

Suggestion:
There was one statement that tripped me up:
"I can scratch one window screen."
Maybe it was just me, but I had to re-read the paragraph a couple of times before I realized you meant your were going to have to throw the screen away. I thought at first you had changed to the voice of the cat. Perhaps that paragraph could do with a little clarifaction.

What I liked best:
I would have to say your ending. It made me smile.
Keep'em coming. The Dixie Writer
75
75
Review by Haley Frances
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This esssy touched my heart in a very personal way. When I had just turned 37 (and was complaining, of course that I was almost 40) I was diagnosed with a benign, but very large brain tumor (a meningioma--I'm sure you'll know what that is). I was given 2 weeks to live. My only option was a very dangerous surgery that gave me a 50/50 chance of survival and with the chance of all kinds of complications--if I survived the inital surgery.
Obviously I did survive, and have learned to live with the complication (seizures) and live a very rich and full life.
My point is, I didn't think anyone could ever understand--let alone capture--the essence of cherishing just being alive, of the privledge of growing old. Yet, you have done that very thing with this essay. I kept thinking as I was reading it, that is just how I feel, that's my thoughts, or as my old granny would say, you took the words right out of my mouth.
I hope everyone who reads this will appreciate what it has taken out of you personally to be as close to death as you were as a nurse and the effort it must have taken to put those feelings in print. It must have been like putting little pieces of your heart on paper to share Brandon with all of us.
It was a beautiful essay.I only pray that Brandon survives to read and appreciate it one day.
78 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shirlene/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3