There is so much crammed in. Like the scenes don't seem to be set in my mind when I am reading this piece. I like the plot, from what I gather in this chapter...and the way you leave it is good...this Fox character and the 'American service' thing...like I wonder what it is all about and all...
Could you think about a way to open this chapter with a sentence that 'stings' the mind of the reader...and kind of hints to what this book.....or plot is all about.....Your opening can really set the tone, mood for what
follows...
I am going to write a sentence, off the top of my head....read this as your opening and ask yourself..."what effect does this one paragraph have on the plot, this chapter,,,the readers perceptions, intrigue,etc....ok:
Everyone goes to shopping malls. And Christmas was the worst. Grandmas', screaming children, underpaid retail workers, all breathing the same air that recycled from lung to lung. Everyone, everything seemed to blend together. You could go unnoticed in these surburban sub-cities, walk around ignored through the falling ice cream cones and clearnace racks. And last minute shopping lists; gifts that could make or break the new year. Today was one of those days. The day he went unnoticed.
There was an air of excitement on this December afternoon as thick snowflakes pelted the ground outside the Minnesota Mall of America. It was fast approaching the big day now, so families were busy trolley dashing through stores to get the best deal on their friends’ and family’s Christmas list. The apparel worn was appropriate to the freezing temperatures outside and it was mandatory for everyone to wear at least three layers. Those smart enough also wore a variety of hats, scarves and gloves; both colourful and functional.
That makes me want to read.....see...and say damn, yo who is the unnoticed dud???. Whats he doing walking around and whats his motives etc....
Yeah man,,,well done, intense- but a read that made me want to continue. You ended it well and left intrigue in the reader for sure..I want to know what happens next, how life became hard, in what context?
So are you going to write a bio? Or is this just a short piece? I am writing my memoir, but have takien a different route I suppose, more a novel- less factual statements. I like this. I don't think I can give you 'advice' or 'suggestions'...as I just write the way I write and everyone has different objectives in their work.
Like, I have a read a few bios like this style-that are very factual based. And others that are memoirs as such and are memories as they remember it delivered in a novel style. (dialogue, descriptive narrative)
I, personally like to read the later style. But that's personal opinion and I have read some awesome bios that are very 'fact' written. So, keep up the good work. Writing is extremely theraputic for me, and I think anyone who has faced adversity would agree. Keep writing dude. Good piece.
Check out my work if you like. I value feedback.
John ...Melbourne Australia (Born Oakland California- scenes of my chapters)
I felt like I was reading my own words, thoughts, and actions.(About myself AND the world around me) I usually can't get past the first couple lines of pieces like these. But it seemed real and unpretentious and I really enjoyed it. Instigated thought in the reader for sure. i don't understand 'usunder'....but I don't even know what a preposition is either. Thank God for Google. Ignorance is bliss-I'll roll with that one til' it bites...I just pray my collar don't stay blue forever..HELP!!!
There is definately a thinking mind behind these words.
deep, personal, an emotional journey. I liked it. Your opener hooked me in, which it should. You write well. It just goes to show that it's not all about fancy adjectives etc. ....quite the opposite. Well done. I am not some high falootin' (is that a word?) reviewer, but I see some good writing- that you are good at what you set out to deliver. I reckon this piece is screamin for some one word fragments. ....I couldn't breathe for days. Months. Years. (just a thought, but then again, I am just a forklift driver......if want to have a sticky beak at my memoir, go for it. Chapter 2 is like a first person reflective perspective kinda thing....so if you have a minute, tell me what you think, transparent....chow....I haven't been on here for ages. I have more chapters, but no one reads my stuff...
yeah, you write well...please take this bit as my opinion and the way I like to write things you know....and PLEASE...believe me I am no self proclaimed master or blah blah...anyway...
so..it certainly flows well. The one thing I will comment on is in your opener.. your fist line is the first thing a reader will read (obviously) and it should have some real punch to it...like in my opinion it should really leave a question in the readers mind that will instigate that continual reading....something that says...WOW..(read this and think...)
.
The clock was small, perfectly smooth, round, and pure gold, including the face and tick tocking hands.
(this is a great line anywhere situated in your piece)but think if the reader read this straight up...what questions would they ignite....i dont know but this is a GREAT opener and then just jig the paragraph how you see fit. (My opinion-not THE opinion)
keep it up...chow John McCloud Melbourne Australia
good descriptive work...lots of adjectives...I use a lot in my work, but I also like to break it up and show people rather than give a one word explanation...
ie. (The Rock Wall was more than just a fishing spot. It was our inner city oasis, the silence eavesdropped on our thoughts and played the impartial critic.) like you can describe and give anything a personality...
or like in this line,,,,I give the sky and color life by:
( I sat down. The sky was a beautiful orange, the kind of orange you couldn’t create with a stockpile of pastels or the best water based paints. It was that kind of orange that changed its shade with each second and with every movement of the sun and had a fancy name, like tangelo or deep carrot orange)
good work...try to picture you are there...make s*** come alive!!! nice man...sometimes one or two nice adjectives just dont do the visuals justice....
its good, the one thing that I would say...is that in the opening you 'tell' your readers of this kidnapping. Try and find a way to show us. Like...you say:
“Where is she?” The detective’s voice was firm while she paced in his circumference.
(great opening) this gets the reader intrigued as to whats going on and then when you say:
......An eight year old girl was abducted. ( Immediately that intrigue or wonder of what is happening is defused)
As well, I had a little trouble following the opening dialogue, could be just my fatigue at the moment....but consider----
“Do you have a family, Detective? Do you have children, a husband? Do you have any pets? When he spoke his melodious voice startled her. ( I just switched those two around and it seems to break up the two 'speakers'--seems more clear to me. Its a very minor and easy fix.)
..... “The Federal Bureau of Investigation doesn’t negotiate with kidnappers, Mr. Ramsey,” she sat down, still chuckling, “and we surely don’t oblige them with a nightcap.” He twisted a golden wedding band around his ring finger and kept his eyes locked onto hers. The intensity of his stare was much different than the cordial vibe he had omitted moments earlier. His bottomless voice rumbled while he spoke.
“I’m much more then a kidnapper, Miss Nixon.” (good writing)
....watch out for putting present tense and past in same sentence....(see if you can find what I am talking about ...1st paragraph) ....teachers hate this stuff...
good stuff....one last thing...I am a big fan of metaphors..etc...real wacky stuff to instigate imagination in the reader....let them have fun you know....
as well,,,why not give the reader a visual of these characters ....through the dialogue even works well....the characters is all the reader has....
“You’re going to tell me where that girl is right now.” (the detective drew closer; her cheap makeup breathing on his forgotten five-o'clock shadow. ) ...so know read what i put in there....what visual does that give the reader!!!!!
keep at it...you got the skills!!!!!!!!!!! nice work...
I am no guru at submitting my stuff-well, I never have so I can't proclaim to know what I am talking about whatsoever.......but
I read a few books at the bookstore....one was pretty good, though I don't remember the name...there was a gold fish on the cover and I know it is well known. It has lots of hints for submissions...
One thing they talk about is capturing them with your story which I think you have done very well,,brief and to the point, intriguing.
The other is opening with a line that gets their mind rotating around what they might gain out of this...(as they get hundreds each week)....like
Could you imagine how 'Penguin' feel when they watch the latest Harry Potter film...
(Like research who knocked Rowling back (there were many) and throw a one liner in..maybe)
so they touch on the story 'bang' or you can start by getting their 'greed' instinct in motion...which ever way that is
as well, though brief is good and yours is brief....who is this Bethanny....maybe put a few lines at the end about the author....cheers...good luck...I'll see you in NYC in a few years..ha
Ok..first, i want to say that I am a bit skeptical on reviewing anything. I will try to return the favor and give it my best shot. I suppose I see myself as a forklift driver who has no ability to write or think or....anyway..blah blah
Well, first, I suppose say... writing a novel and writing an article are completely different. Word limitations, purpose, audience..all that stuff you know. But in a way it is the same. You are trying to portray to your reader this person and let them know the character and feel, empathize maybe. You DID that very well. I thought your placement of quotes was GREAT. It backed up or preceded what you were saying and added a lot more truth, clarity behind those statements. I liked that aspect. It was very in depth with facts about Susanna and you had a good balance of letting your readers get a feel of her..(present day character)
When you end quotes with what she is doing at "that" present moment...the reader feels like Susanna is right there with them while they read...(such as:)
She says, in her thick German accent “I may have been shy once, when I was very young.” But she laughs and you know she doesn’t think that’s true either.
"see this? Skeeter bites!” She laughs and rolls her eyes pointing to the red dots on her arms, “But I think where my family is, that is where I belong.”
you see these two sentences...the reader feels she is there with us while we read..but I guess this form can get overdone if it is all over the place..(I am probably telling things you already are aware of)
One more thing....have a look between 2nd and third paragraph...two very factual paragraphs. try re- reading it...this time try putting the 4th paragrapgh between them. They are two long and factual paragraphs,,,so maybe something light to break them up...so the reader doesn't get lost. I think those descriptions of a person really capture the reader and make them want to go on.
You a great writer, and shouldn't have been intimidated at all. this piece really portrayed this lady and gave us an insight. You definately know how to write.
oh one last thing? you wrote:
Susanna has been an employee of Village Market in Decatur for about 8 years and she wears a lot of hats.
(well. I want to know what kind of hats, and when we know that,we get another insight into her personality. I think those details,,give us a lot about the person as do the facts,,,but sometimes the small things can give so much more) a top hat, flower hat, beenie (they all make her seem like a different lady eh?)
thanks for letting me read. I had a hard time finding how all this works, but worked it out.
AWESOME...I read it over a few times...it was a great article piece.
Nurture your piano playing, your singing, your creativity - keep writing, playing, dreaming, thinking, don’t dismiss any idea in your head out of supposed reason or logic.
(my favorite sentence)
I like the bit about the teacher and how you expanded on that. You have an ability to write . In some areas of your writing, more than others you really show emotion and thought. I like it. Keep writing and telling yourself these positive affirmations. Some parts flow better than others. I am no writer...just have a passion for words like yourself I assume. Keep it up youngster. I was too drunk at your age to write my name, let alone a piece like that. Articulated well, thanks for sharing.
ps. if you have the time I have submitted my first chapter of my memoir. If you can read it. It is about 25 book pages. If or when you have the time, I would love the feedback. I will keep you to your promise. Thank you
John (Melbourne, Australia) 30 years old
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