I liked the story but then it kind of fell apart for me. The character development was good and the storyline had me completely intrigued. I do like the twist at the end, I'm assuming that the wrapper was your's to begin with. A nice parable! It just got to rushed and too unrealistic for me, and that is my opinion, only! I think this could be stretched, toned down, turned a little bit and be a terrific screenplay...I give it a gusto 4!
They actually believed they ---- change the tense.....misspelled Cautiously.....Then another...sentence fragment, I'd change it to ...One door opens...then another, or One door opens, then another.
These are just a few minor mistakes. The story itself seems quite intriguing. But I don't understand if, in the beginning that A-Anerie is an alien or has special powers or what exactly. And I'm wondering how this ties in with homeless children, who's parents abandoned them.
I'm sure these questions will be addressed to the reader's satisfaction, as you seem to be a good story teller. You might try doing more showing and less telling. What did the weather feel like against his skin, was he sweating? What did the living room smell like, was it dirty, etc.
Good luck, I think you have the seeds of a good write!
There is nothing I can say or do to fully express my respect, gratitude, and condolences to you.
I emphatically applaud your writing about this experience. It is gritty, real, full of heart, courage, and dignity. That pretty much describes you.
I've been through a lot in my life. 911 cured us all. Reality, incredulity, horror, and loss are now joined together forever. But I don't think a lot of people deal with it on a daily basis and stay sane and un-jaded. Thank you.
No one's life is easy and if it is, then they are not truly living it. (IMHO)
Take care,
Susan
PS: The writer in me has to mention two things.
One: I learned a new word: alacrity, I'm definitely going to put that one in my book.
Two: Your simile, "...., but internally I was eating butterflies" is one of the best I've ever read, seriously.
I rarely rate a 5 on anything, but this one is a winner, I see no faults and I learned a lot. Again, thank you.
Your last paragraph says it all. Where are the parents? Where are the teachers? Where are those people who are in positions of authority who can intervene when confronted with the obvious odor and behavior of an extremely impaired young child?
Unfortunately too many of these people have been abused and may or may not be abusers, themselves., It is so much less painful to look the 'other way', if one is still traumatized and conditioned by their own past. Others may be opportunists and will take advantage of a helpless victim.
And so the cycle continues...
Thank you for exposing this subject. It is time to take those skeletons out of the closet and burn them.
I will say that there are some weaknesses in the grammer and punctuation. And you wrap it up very quickly in the end, although, that's not necesarrilly a bad thing. All in all, I gave this a 4.5. I think it is very well done and has so much potential for a very engaging read.
Humbly and with regards,
Susan (sjhunt2005)
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sjhunt
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 5:42am on Apr 27, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
