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Review of The Fun House  
Review by Skreth
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First things first: this story is good, but it has the potential to become great. I continued reading it right until the end even though I'm not a huge fan of horror stories. Here are my comments, which are yours to do with as you wish. Some are stylistic, some are grammar-related, and some are plot-related.


1. The first few lines (before the ***) don't hook me. They're not necessary: the story could have started with the dialogue and it would have read exactly the same. No, scratch that. Better. "I dare you," is a powerful opening line. Same goes with the ending, which is pretty much the same as the beginning except for the creepy voice. Keep that voice, but find a way to merge it with the funeral scene.

2. "I felt excited while we biked home from school Friday afternoon."
In writing, I dislike the word "feel." I don't like being told how a character is feeling; I like being shown. How does this character experience excitement? Does it bubble in his chest? Does it makes him sweaty? Energetic?

3. "I started having doubts"
Perhaps some reflection back on what Johnny said, since he's the one who voiced the doubts in the first place.

4. "Let's get moving," I said. "I heard the weatherman say a storm's coming through in the middle of the night. We need to hustle."\
I'd keep "Let's get moving" or "We need to hustle" but not both. It's a touch redundant.

5. " My panic level grew while wondering if I would be able to leave in the normal fashion by taking the slide leading outside to ground level."
This is a small point of grammar, but this sentence states that the panic level is doing the wondering, not Kevin. On another note, this is another example of telling where it should be showing. Panic affects each person differently. Is his skin pale, cold, or clammy? Is he sweating profusely? Is he swallowing a lot? (I do that when I'm panicking, for example.)

6. Overall, you could probably cut some of the rooms of the Fun House without affecting the story. This would leave you more room for character development and suspense. Additionally, Kevin begins to doubt himself quite strongly quite soon in the story. Finally, the dialogue scene is quite long and could benefit, perhaps, from some lines in between or some pruning.
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Review by Skreth
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Okay. It's not meant to sound critical, but I am still new at writing reviews, and I apologize if I sound blunt.


1. Your story is very passive... there is a lot of telling. It seems to be about Grace's past. "This happened to Grace. This happened to Grace." It is very dry, and while reading it, I don't feel connected to the main character. I suggest rewriting it and doing more... showing. Not necessarily describing the rape scene happening, but perhaps putting it in a way that makes it sound fresher in Katie's mind. Right now, it seems like she sort of felt dirty for a bit, then got over it surprisingly easily.

2. I don't see a reason to name the parents if they don't have a lot of significance in the story. In the first two sentences, I am bombarded with 5 different names, only 2 of which appear later in the story. If her parents are important enough to merit their names being shared in the 2nd sentence, make them important. Then, in the second paragraph, I find 2 more names which no longer have significance later on. As a reader, I do not care for the names of the kids if they are not even characters in the story.

3. You tell me Katie is an angel. SHOW me she is an angel. What makes her special? Is she adorable? Does she cry rarely? Is there something about her eyes?

This is all my opinion and interpretation. You may use my advice, or you may not. I wish you luck with your writing, and I apologize if anything comes across as a personal jab at your writing. It is not meant to.
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