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184 Public Reviews Given
196 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I aim to give a bizarre little meld of creative and technical pointers. My behavior always goes for being thoughtful and polite. If someone says: "I'm brutally honest/I say it like I see it," I think they're misinterpreting what it means to critique something. At the same time, I want to try and see if I might give advice that can make a writer stronger and not just sugarcoat things. We're writers, we make mistakes! But there's just a teenie weenie bit of difference between constructive criticism and having an inferiority complex! Bare in mind also that I am learning and if you think something I address is incorrect, by all means, please bring it up! We're here to learn from each other!
I'm good at...
- Spotting typos and maybe going over some basic rules of writing. - Tossing ideas on how to expand your tale (if you want that) - Using the ol' BS Detector, though it did backfired once and ate a friend's fictional rug.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Science Fiction, Slice of Life (prefers but not limited to if there's a supernatural twist), Speculative Fiction, Comedy, Action/Adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Fanfiction, Political
I will not review...
Not Erotica as a whole but more along the lines of it bordering on a fetish I'm uncomfortable with. Don't feel deterred, we'll discuss it.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha!

You got something here alright! Unfortunately, I'm not well-versed in poetry. I know a limerick is a form of rhyming, though that's about all my tiny brain can muster. What I do know is that poetry is meant to be read aloud, which I did, and it rolls off the tongue very well.

By the end, I had this visual playing in my head. Three or four kids cycling around a deadend street, they were singing the verses. Kind of makes me think that a piece like this might be egged on by parents and teachers alike, in the hopes that it'll help the kids think twice before swallowing foreign objects.

I think we all remember that one kid who would eat anything for a little loose change. I wonder how his innards are doing. Well, enough rambling.

I'm trying to meet a deadline, and I know this is a short piece, so, do you mind recommending another work of yours you'd like me to check out later once I've cleared up a couple of things? You can save it as a "coupon" if you've got something on the back burner you want looked at in the future.

Take it easy and keep up the writing!
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27
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Well, as they say: The plot thickens.

I really enjoy the idea of an extinct civilization as a backdrop for a murder mystery. I'd give a lot to have rainy mornings with a cup of coffee, just walking around a desolate city in ruins. At the same time, the child in me would panic and fear that maybe not all of the deceased would really be deceased. This background is full of potential, it's probably what I like the most about this story thus far.

So, two dead, and the reveal of the corpses are at different locations and times. I'm half-expecting to find some tribe of the ruin's survivors hiding out in the abandoned buildings.

Now, you may have gone into this and I just didn't pickup on it, but what exactly is Elam doing on the planet? I know he's basically there to live out a decade alone on the planet. But is this a job for him or a home of some sort? Is he expected to observe something or is he 100% left to his own devices?

Minor typos:

"What?" Bender rose (at) stared at the sky, where the shuttle was already almost invisible as it ascended back into orbit. --Might want to either add more words or replace at with and.

Bender frowned. "Well, yes, that makes sense. But this should be done by one of () ship's officers. --Add the, I'd say.

With the typos, I can't help but point 'em out. It just helps me work on my editing skills. If they help you out, that's awesome, but don't feel deterred if I pick them out. One thing I would say that you might want to think about when you go back and edit, both corpses aren't very descriptive. Either Elam's seen a lot of death to be able to be so vague about a corpse (or IS the killer) but I would expect the shock of coming across a dead body to make a person overly descriptive in their memory.

Sigurd obviously has a lot of experience, so when he goes over the picture of the corpse, I buy that he's not so explanatory. Then again, he's an investigator, so I could see a more in-depth visual just for him to be looking for clues and patterns. Speaking of Sigurd, I thought his name was SIgurd? Possible typo in the last chapter? The name if foreign to me, so I figured it was just a sign of his name that I wasn't aware of it.
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28
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, that certainly ended quite creepily!

I enjoyed the sense of anxiety the end creates, when you see the car--and that it's on. What kind of monsters are behind the wheel?! Then BAM! The realization hits you like a ton of bricks. Great, great job!
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29
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Things are going smooth here. SIgurd's introduction works well. Clearly, he's a particular kind of guy, who doesn't much care for playing nice with other groups, but that's a usual trope.

Jack and Wendy Torrance. You got an eyebrow raise when Jack's name was first mentioned. The reference is gleefully obvious now. I've not had a chance to read King's The Shinning. I think that's his highest selling book on record. My brother's got two copies laying around his house, so I'll get to it soon enough.

The mystery without many details, my gut says that Fokke at least knows things she's not telling. Something about her coyness, how she easily takes SIgurd's demand for control and gives off only brief agitations and seems to go out of her way to compliment him. I think she wants him to think she's dumb, at least make him think less of her so she doesn't have his eyes on what she's doing. I'm not asking for answers, just giving you an inside view of what one reader assumes.

SIgurd already questions what Margrave is hiding. I'm amused that he's already curious about Elam--I'm not surprised, but amused. Good job at showing how SIgurd can pick up on information. I almost feel like the murder was committed so SIgurd could investigate the man who just wants to be left alone.

Minor typo stuff:

"Nothing but an official Resident, plus routine audits (,) in all that time." --You go 'n' get that little comma a hug with the sentence!

Elam nodded. "All right, then. --Wrap a second quotation 'round that sentence!


Well, 'til next time!
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30
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Alright, this is definitely a great opening.

I like that you put in a lot of hints from the overall world, some amusing facts, like the wheat, as well. I'm looking forward to seeing what else this world has. The, uh, bandersnatchi you've mentioned sounds amusing. Wait, are we gonna get crab monsters?!

At first, Elam sounds like a typical loner. Certainly can't blame him some days, being alone by yourself is something I yearn for often sometimes. Bender's touches makes him want to retract further which is understandable--to say the least. The hook at the end was placed wonderfully, showing that your main character is as much a mystery as the murder.

Just a couple of notes:

Malcom Bender, sprawled in the adjacent seat, having settled there despite the fact that all of the other thirty-eight seats were empty. --Reminds me of a time when a guy sat awkwardly close to me on a bus. Later on he offered me herione. I should have guessed as much since he wore shades at 11:00 o'clock at night. So glad I have a car now.

He (understood understand) the ancient technology well enough without appealing to superstition. --A repition in wording from editing?

Well, I have to admit I've never read a mystery before. This will be interesting! I'll go and take a crack at the next chapter soon!

Take it easy, Max.
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Review of Bread and Needles  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the visuals you paint with. It's a dark tale, but it's not as if you didn't hint as much in the description section. The colloquialism is interesting and easy enough to decipher.

You go over the groups of people--the ones who left, the ones who stayed, and how the rot of everything sinks any sense of comfort. To me, the ending had a somewhat hopeful sentiment. Maybe the ones that were ripped-off and over-charged may have been the survivors. At least the chance was there. Staying just meant you were waiting to die, even if you had some vague comforts at the time.

Great stuff! Thanks for sharing and keep up the writing!
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Review by S. Serpent
Rated: E | (3.5)
You've got an interesting world here. I like the idea of some giant tree that this structure is built around. A group of friends that work together as security detail helps the idea of character exploration. A little cleaning and I think you have something quite fun!

Now, there's some advice I'd like to give. Spacing is your friend. Whenever you use one character's dialogue and it ends, please hit that Enter key twice and space it out. It does wonders at making the text easier to read.

Also, you've chosen present-tense. Now, it's not hard to fall back into past-tense, so please bare that in mind when you're proofing your work. I rarely use present-tense partially because it's real easy to strike those keys, look away at the dog barking outside the window, and then default to past. There's a couple of hiccups here.

Yes, I gave the tree a nickname. Don’t judge me.--This is a good window into the main character's personality. Very good. Never forget that using first-person awards you a quick and RELATIVELY easy way to show your character's personality via their thoughts. Third person can do the same, but it's not as immediate.

Now, you like painting visuals of beauty and relaxation. That's good, you don't need to be dark and dreary like me, but the ultimate problem lies in your reliance that the reader will fill in the blanks.

Behind us, tourists from towns all around the coastline pile in, many with various souvenirs,...--You don't have to tell us every single knickknack these guys have, but tell us a little bit. Is there a little boy with a wind-up fox toy? Maybe a Sophomore girl has a t-shirt with the city's name on it. This is a great way to quietly express some of the culture in the world you've built.

While Nir, Cherry and I talk about girl things through the ride,...--There's a missed opportunity for character establishment. Maybe Cherry's concerned, overworked, tired, maybe she's facing a dilemma at home. It can be something positive too, maybe she has some beautiful roses in bloom, some great compliment from one of her superiors has her swimming with delight. Filling in the blanks helps the reader feel more invested--and it tends to be a lot of fun, too! On a personal note, I understand the "talk about girl things" usually just means that it's casual talk, but it can also come across as a little dismissive, like they're just chickens, clucking their way through life.

The Great Crystalbloom (stood) guard, her massive branches sprouting small formations of (coloured glassy rock). When the rays of the warm sun shine through one, I see the (myriad of colours) separate within and behold as it’s warm rays sprout through the other side.--You're going to want to switch stood to stand to keep up with present tense. Now, again, you're showing us this beautiful scene, but what colors is the reader suppose to see? Is it a refraction of the sunlight without the prisms being altered in color? So, golden and yellow hues? You have a good vocabulary, but when you're writing a scene that a character is awe-struck, try to be specific.

I see Snow pout a bit and giggle, resting my hand on his.--Now, you've painted Snow as a broody type, a tad agitated when the main character sneaks up on him. This lines makes him appear much more playful--and that's not bad, but I think the main character would probably comment (in her thoughts or vocally) on his current, more laid back position. It's the giggle more than anything that makes me wonder this.


Over everyone, (I hear) a little girl gasp and (see) her tug at her mother’s sleeve(s), pointing at the crystal lanterns that hung from the web of vines over the ground floor.--Often times in writing, we often rely too heavily on stating what our characters SEE and HEAR. The image becomes...almost like a flash to the character, then at what they're reacting to, then back to the character and back at the action. Don't completely throw out sees, hears, tastes, ect., but always consider the thought of eliminating such words if they pull the action away from the reader. Look at this adjustment:

Over everyone, a little girl gasps and tugs at her mother's sleeve, pointing at the crystal lantern that hangs from the web of vines over the ground floor.--I wouldn't say the edit is flawless, but it's much more immediate. The reader understands that this story is in the first-person, your character relays information effortlessly. She sees the little girl right off the bat, she hears her. And, it's a cute visual, but she's not really grabbing both her mothers sleeves, is she?


Well, those are my thoughts. Keep up the writing! Please only use what you agree with, after all, this' just one idiot's opinion!
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33
Review of Ode To Melanie  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Bloody disgusting!

And I friggn' love it. I've always been a little nervous about writing poetry into my own writing. Sure sets the mood though.

Off topic fact, Keats is one of my girlfriend's favorite poets. I've been meaning to get to him for some time now. Thanks for the head start!

I like the fact that the story appears to start in third-person, but rears to first as Melanie interrupts the scene. It's ALL about Melanie after all! And you drove it home so well.
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Review by S. Serpent
Rated: E | (5.0)
You know, I've seen this scam before on places like Amazon. When Christmas shopping, you can net some dumb, cute triceratops plush for one dollar. Oh, and the shipping is ten dollars. At least it didn't claim to be FREE, I guess.

Well, now I know where they got the idea from.

Like usual, great writing. Makes me sad, you wrote this story the year before I graduated from high school.
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Review of The Gatekeeper  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is really something!

I enjoy the subtle nature of this piece. I have to confess, Amraiel's thoughts about how sunsets appear with their vibrant, reddened colors does make me think of violence. That's some great insight, to take something that most are in awe over and bring about an alternative perspective.

Also, when the dark-haired man comes in, I like that you showed and didn't tell what his baggage was. I would have probably failed in this regard, feeling the need to state things which is a bad habit of mine. Great job!

The ending sends home the monotony of Amraiel's work, a short time later and she's back at square one.

I could see this being a much longer story if you ever felt the need to revisit Amraiel, but I'm a sucker for shorts, so it works wonderfully just by itself.

Wonderful work and thanks for sharing!
36
36
Review of The Emigrant  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Boy, this was really something!

I love the amount of skill you used. You slowly introduce the background and timeframe piece by piece. The location is pretty timeless, a futuristic French McDonald's is quite an environment. And to think it's probably one of the few places to get "organic" food products. Great work with the sentence describing how the food was delivered. I loved how the "cardboard" boxes looked as if they belonged in a museum.

The plot is a bitter one, but sweet in its own right. Stories of a great adventure are stereotyped (usually) with a character longing for adventure rather than escapism. Mark literally will be risking his life for a fresh start. What I find both sympathetic and sad is that his only way of giving his family comfort is through monetary value (aside from Future French Disney Land!) but it's something. The letter, though, could be the most human thing he did. I wonder if his daughter also received a letter her own.

I know you were looking for advice on how to strengthen this piece. I'm still a novice, but one sentence did grab me.


As he neared, the floral scent of Chanel No. 22 teased his senses.

--It's a good sentence, but I wonder if we might find a more intimate description. I'm still learning my ways around the use of smell in writing, but perhaps the scent of Judy's perfume is based on a particular flower? Then again, I suppose they may not have resources in that era to mimic such a thing. Either way, I wouldn't put too much concern in it. I'm just trying to find something!

Thank you for letting me read this!
37
37
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, that certainly had a beautiful ending!

I like that you don't spell out much. I think I would have been a sucker and gone for explaining what Colt's crime had been. You give enough background information in Colt's head to let us in, but there's still a tantalizing little mystery about what happened to the eight men and Miss Kara--or rather, what specifically pulled these people together in this violent act. We're stuck with Colt's vague memories, and he's probably been replaying it back in his mind so much that he's not in the mood to be specific anymore. In a way, Colt greets this final execution. He's nervous, but things have been so bad for him, he's not terrorized by the thought of death, even if there's a chance he's going to a Hell. Instead, there's curiosity.

It's not until he's about to be hanged that there's a surge of panic. Once more, it's not that he's panicking, begging for this not to be, it's the obsession with what's next. It's interesting that in his judgment, he's here because of self-defense. Unfortunately, what time that gave him was mostly in a cell thinking about the end.

As I've alluded, the ending was great! He's where he is now and that goes beyond words. You know, I've always thought about the idea of writing a piece where a character dies and then the meat of the work is their journey into the afterlife. Great work, indeed!

Okay, here are some edits I would suggest. However, by all means, only take what works for you. You got this work published! So it's pretty darned evident someone with a lot more authority than I didn't have a problem at all! They're not bad at all, either, just maybe a slight more tightening. Either way, no pressures and it's most important that the writer only uses suggestions that they think aids the story, not changes or harm it.

It’s little compensation for his present state, but he’ll take what he can get, for as long as he can, which isn’t going to be (very) much longer at all right now.--I might think of cutting out very. I know people seem to look down upon the use of the word(outside of dialogue), saying it's unimaginative (though take a few steps back and you'll find it used quite a bit in past successful novels) so, really, just question to yourself if the flow of the sentence works better or worse without the word.

Behind him (is) Sheriff Parker and his deputy, both with rifles at the ready, telling the people to stand back.--I think you might want to switch is to are. You're referring to two men.

A little further along he looks up to the right, where (he sees) Miss Kara standing on the balcony of the run down saloon.--This is a great scene, but I think if we cut out he sees, we'll get closer to the action. We're aware in the first part that he's actively looking around his environment.

Thanks for sharing this piece, and keep it up!
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38
Review of Cloudstepper  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh wow, I really like this poem! It makes me ponder a bit. I think I may have visualized a person or creature just skipping on clouds while during a flight at one time.

Originally, it made me think of this creature (shoot me, I can't remember its name) from--you guessed it--Lovecraft. It was something like a giant cloud creature that moved like a blimp. I wrote a short on it some time ago but never published it.

I like the casual tone you set in this. The only thing I might suggest is changing a word in one of your stanzas.

Water (vapour) or whatever,

Suspended in (vapour,)

I would consider changing one of the two vapours just because one questions if it's vapour while the second just goes along that it's vapour and the repetition doesn't feel lyrical or create a rhythm.

Still, it's a fun and unique poem! Thanks for sharing!
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Review of Finding Plot  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Ah! Like usual, you hit out of the park, Max. This is quite informative and, dare I say, essential for anyone out of the know for plotting out any kind of work, fiction--or probably otherwise.

When I was younger, I heard of the Three Act Structure, but (forgive my youth) I suppose the word ACT being used, I thought it was only meant to be used for films and plays. Yeah, pretty erroneous of me.

I watched a video about plotting fiction by Brandon Sanderson and it helped to give me some idea of the concepts.

This article and the examples you've broken down with the formula has made my wet cemented foundation harden quite a bit more and I thank you deeply for doing so.

I'll be using the three act play for a new work, and always a handy tool to turn to for future pieces.
40
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Review of The Wooden Sphere  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Fascinating. I think calling this piece "otherworldly" would be like calling fiction fiction. I like where it all sprouts from: the normal, everyday thing you see. What happens when you pay a little more attention to it? What stories may it convey to you? And, as the story unfolds, what will it change in you? I always did like the idea of being able to find an unknown world trapped in plain sight. The story hints that it may well all be in the narrator's head, but who really knows?
41
41
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Things seem to be continuing quite nicely. I've found no typos and none of the dialogue seems off. Haakon confusing Nathan for someone else apparently tied to something Haakon is familiar with makes me ponder if Haakon is in a much earlier timeframe than he knows. It's interesting and gets the reader thinking.

On a side note, when Nathan is thinking back about his experiment and the argument that his instructor had posed; is it technobabble or is it from your own understanding? I know from your biography that you teach the kind of math that would leave me crying. And yes, I'm smart enough to know of quantum physics, I'm just curious.
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Review of Pinky the Rat  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Geeze, that was horrifying. I like the short and sweet nature of this tale. Rats tend to be...almost decor to horror and rarely ever the focal point. I love that about this story. There's a fair amount of humor to boot, like when the narrator admits that Pinky was in the trash and his violent injury is swept under the rug by his son. Good stuff, always good stuff, Wilcox.
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Review of The Candle Maker  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really love this piece. The flow of the prose were so relaxing even during Caroline's solemn suffering. Travis was a very warm and comforting character. His soft spoken words are limited, giving the reader just enough answers to relax and take in the world. I felt a little saddened at the end, but I'm guessing Caroline no longer needed the candle shop.

Thanks, Mike. I needed the little pick me up.
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Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I suppose Haakon has his work cut out for him. This' very entertaining. I liked as the conversations go back and forth, that Haakon is slowly reaffirming his suspicions to a more dire problem (at least for him) than the current people surrounding him. There's a great sense of relief when he returns to the present day, despite the polluted air, and while he brushes off any concern that the brewing storm may have, it's pretty much signaling that his work is far from done.

I think I caught some minor typos, but please remember that I'm not knowledgeable about the colloquial dialogue you're using.

"(I'm) returned from my mission to Iceland, only to find evil has fallen on this land."--I think you were going for (I've.)

Haakon strode forward and handed the waif off the woman, who opened her arms in a caress. (...handed the waif off (to) the woman,) I believe.


Thanks again, Max. Until next time.


45
45
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
That's one heck of an introduction. The flow of the writing works extremely well. I'm not at all familiar with the time and locaiton, but despite that, it still kept me going.

The techs at Control had disguised it to look like a Celtic cross suspended on a rope about his neck.--this is creative, along with the sentence afterwards. You're giving a lot of details that aren't simply info dumps.

Maybe his next assignment would be in a time that had less gnarly haircuts.--This makes me want to see how he feels about what he'll be wearing next time he jumps to a different period.

"I've been on another assignment, in Kadesh in 1258 BCE. It's been over two years in personal time for me."--It might seem obvious, but I enjoy that no matter what Haakon is doing in any time period, his own time (whether he's even mortal or otherwise) ia passing him by. I could see if maybe less stable time travels in Haakon's field could become lost and lose their true identities.

A gang from the twenty-sixth century infiltrated the Pharaoh's entourage (was there) and tried to sabotage talks."--this feels off. I'm not entirely sure if this is a typo or I'm just not seeing something here.

The final sentence, when Haakon knows something is off, it made me smirk. Yeah, those aren't the kinds of horses he was expecting.

Culturally, I'm curious if Haakon and all others of his craft that we're currently privvy too are chosen partially because it's less likely they would impregnate someone and cause a time paradox.

Either way, I'll get to the second chapter soon. Excellent work, but you don't need me to tell you that, Max.
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Review of INTO THE BONEYARD  
Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This' interesting. I think that the beginning could use a little more show than tell. Perhaps the girls sat in their seats, admiring Billy from afar, some even drawing little hearts with his name in the center. We get a decent glimpse of Billy, but other than Tracy being short and stacked, we don't get much of a look on her.

The prose are a quick blur and I'd say there is a bit of merit to it. It made me think of when I was younger and just all that sexual energy making life feel quick and almost life-threateningly bold.

Some things didn't really make sense to me, however. Why would Billy be so keen in hopping into an open grave even with a hot girl he's chasing after in it? I wouldn't argue that he wouldn't do such a thing, but a little coaxing on her end would have helped. Also, it's day when they left school, right? The boneyard felt like it was relatively near, so the cut to it being night was a little disorienting without stating the drive taking some time.

In the end, I think you do have a cute, sultry little tale that with a couple of edits and more descriptions would make it even more fun to read!
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Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was very good! I enjoy the quick ride it gives, from the girl, her perspective and how she slowly pulls you into her web. As the reader, I felt when the reveal came that there was a sense of hopelessness. I was trapped and whatever that girl is, I'm going to regret finding out. Great writing!
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Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting! Ghosts being what we want, what we desire and what we hope to become is quite haunting. It's a very intimate feeling with writers and all other artists. Especially those who always felt they could make art but never gave it the chance. That existential dread of: "I'm sure I can do it... I'll just do it later, I guess."
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Review by S. Serpent
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Good work! This is a strong piece. The writing style holds well as it dives into the mindset of a child. The fear of Miss Pink and Miss Bell to the narrator and his town is a fascinating mythology built on old memories, gossip, and speculation.

The narrator's speech patterns make him believable and the fright of not knowing how old he is and how long he's been down there adds a painfully complex fear as he thinks of his mother and if it's only been a month or years and years.

I wouldn't mind seeing an expanded version of this tale if ever you felt the interest. The only thing that SLIGHTLY confuses me is when the narrator uses the term beckoned when describing Mikey's encounter with the witches right after saying that Mikey reads books without pictures. However, the narrator could simply be repeating what Mikey said, or his own parents could have a good vocabulary. Either way, very minor and easy to explain away complaint. Again, great work!
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Review by S. Serpent
Rated: E | (5.0)
That's some fantastic writing right there. You're extraordinarily economical with your words. I always wanted to learn how to write so fluently, to be able to tell so many stories at such a break-neck speed without sacrificing flow, focus or emotion.

The story itself is smart, pinpointing what stories the model has seen. While there's a point being made not to pin the blame on the weapons themselves, I like that it doesn't attempt to take a side on any other debate. Again, fantastic writing!
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