*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/smeedyer/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
215 Public Reviews Given
231 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to go in depth on how I felt whilst reading it. I'll point out where I was tripped out of my flow by sentence structure or oddity. What confuses me. What intrigues me. Examples can be seen in my recent reviews. Happy to review privately on request. Default will be public.
 
I use "Comment-In-A-Box"  for my ratings.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi Fantasy Humour
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry Romance
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories / Chapters 1-5
Least Favorite Item Types
50 chapter novels - I don't have time to get through that much.
I will not review...
Artsy poems that I struggle to 'get'.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- ... Next
51
51
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Freebird

Found this chapter on the Review Request page, and after reading your first chapter, moved quickly on to this second.

Not a lot I can comment on your first chapter. A few little typos... capital letters mainly. Otherwise a solid, entertaining introduction to the story that quickly moved me on to this second one. Mainly to find out why blokey in the 4th row was so bored *Pthb*

Technicalities & Observations

Just a few observations spotted whilst reading ...

Janice looked down onto the clipboard she was carrying then announced, “approximately $122,753.”

Just sounds extremely odd to see 'approximately' and such a precise figure in the same sentence. You're trying to get across her efficiency - make her sound like the ideal and most wonderful PA, which comes across well in the rest. But someone so efficient wouldn't say approximately, when it's precise. They'd take pride in having such a precise figure to hand when her boss wants it.

Another thought - try writing out the number in words... can make it seem said faster, more impressively.

"approximately one hundred, twenty thousand dollars, Sir"

or

"One hundred, twenty-two thousand, seven hundred and fifty-three dollars," she reeled off without hesitation.

~

“Where to sir?”

This is throughout the chapter. I'm not sure on the official ruling, but I prefer to see 'Sir' capitalised when used as a title. Also a comma before the Sir, as you use correctly when it's names.

"Where to, Sir?"

~

The man who had spoken was sitting on the couch facing john.

Tiny little capitalisation error.

~

John now saw that the intruder stood as tall as him, and he was six foot tall.

An awkward sentence to read, especially with the double 'tall'. Try to avoid using 'that' as well. Rarely is it necessary, and even more rarely is it preferable.

John quickly saw the intruder easily matched his six foot height.

~

John [had]felt like he was failing through an endless void.

This is his reverie into the past... and you start off by having liberal use of 'had' to mark the past. This sentence could use one where I've highlighted. Also a quick typo on 'falling'.

~

“Yes Anything.”

Missing punctuation. Two, short, sharp, sentences.

"Yes! Anything!"

~

but John had already done another spell.

This isn't simple tricks. You 'do' tricks, you 'cast' another spell *Smile*

but John hadn't waited for it to strike. He'd already cast his next spell and sent it storming toward the stranger.

~

Before Miles new it he was hit hard in the face by some invisible object

Simple little typo, should be 'knew'.

~

‘I new this wouldn’t go smoothly.’

And again.

~

{iMiles rolled over the top of the card

Typo : car

~

Miles stood up a moment later, unharmed by the hit completely.

I little awkward again, especially with the repeat use of 'hit' later in the sentence. I suggest a slight re-arrangment and an alternative word.

Miles stood up a moment later, completely unharmed by the collision.

~

Summary

Yes.. this story has the right amount of intrigue in it to make it interesting. I'm enjoying it.

I think the point about how perfect his life was, was a little laboured, but no real harm done by that.

Seem's a little silly that he'd spend his whole evening on stage for 'approximately $120k', when he can make $200k in just an hour or so at a casino. Why bother with the show?

I thought it might be fun for a closing line from Miles to be more along the lines of 'Yeah, I love it when they run. Time for my fun'. Rather than the grim reluctance he seems to have. Clearly he was bored with the sitting and watching. I get the impression the jumping through glass windows, and cutting car fuel lines is much more amusing for him.

Keep it coming, and ...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
52
52
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Matt

Found this story on the review request page, Whilst I'm no expert on cyberpunk, it is an interesting genre and your appeal for a review pulled me in. *Smile*

Technicalities & Observations

Just a few points I spotted whilst reading that I believe could come across a little better..

~

Falling in the manmade canyons between the illuminated towers of Paradise, rain drops rhythmically slapped the pavement of the avenue below.

I get what you're trying to say, but it's verging on a tongue-twister to me. As your first sentence in this story I actually found myself having to re-read it 2-3 times just to be sure what you're saying. This delayed my immersion in your story, and for some people might even put them off from getting to the good stuff deeper within.

First sentences / first paragraphs are so crucial. I'm tempted to suggest skipping this line and just move on to the next as your starting point.

~

It was the first hour of February 13th, 2073, and the season’s warm rain was more acidic than usual. Most likely, this was due to the atomic fallout clouds that hung over the Asian nations, across the Pacific Ocean. Alan Borlin ran across the roadway, sprinting through the rain, as his implanted cybermind calculated the exact acidity of the droplets: This water has a pH of 5.2. I should avoided it. It was definitely a result of the fallout.

Ok - so you start the story here. This is a nice, informatative paragraph, but it has some repetition in it, so I think it can work better with some re-ordering. Here's how I see it...

It was the first hour of February 13th, 2073 and Alan Borlin was running across the roadway; sprinting through the stinging rain as quick as he could. His implanted cybermind calculated the acidity of the droplets : This water has a pH value of 5.2. This is outside recommended levels.

"No, really!" Alan remarked sarcastically to himself and continued his sprint through the huge man-made valley created between the illuminated Towers of Paradise. Nuclear fallout across the Pacific had caused a dramatic increase in acid rain recently, and it was getting worse. His brain had registered pH6 just a month ago.

I've tried to incorporate your original opening sentence, whilst also trying to establish an early precident for his tendancy to argue with his cyberbrain. I've also tried to get across the idea of the nuclear fallout coming from Alan, rather than 'told' to the reader by the a narrator. Same as at the beginning the Narrator again tells the reader the raid is more acidic than usual. Don't 'tell' us this - 'show' us in the story, i.e. the 'stinging' rain, and then wait for the cyberbrain to explain the value.

~

The lights of the metropolis twinkled in the damp midnight darkness as Alan ducked through the hissing automatic doors to the interior of a state-run casino. Very nice :D Descriptive, great imagery, and not excessively wordy.

~

Through the interaction between his birth-standard brain and the installed cybermind, Alan told himself that the memories were merely dreams and fantasies. But he remembered the truth. No, I don’t. “Yes, I do.”

Haha, his first argument with his brain - funny stuff, but also kind of creepy. There's something awkward about the highlighted part though. It's a little forced, and I'm guessing it's because you're trying to get across the message that he does still have this old, birth-standard brain in there.

Alan found himself, as usual, being told memories were merely dreams and fantasies; unstable drawbacks of an unconscious mind in repose. His birth-standard brain remembered the truth though. 'No I don't,' came the retort. "Yes, I do!"

~

always-present aetherweb connection

A rediculously minor point, but I don't like the 'always-present'. Omni-present perhaps? Or 'permanent', 'continuous', 'constant'.

~

Eighty-three-point-seven percent precisely.

The bold part is a human-added idosyncracy, not something a cyber-brain would say. It would simply stick to the straight fact. "Eighty-three-point-seven percent". It knows it is precise without stating it *Pthb*

~

They were just as addicted as the people that they were hired to control.

Watch out for using 'that'. 99.9% (precisely :p) of the time it is entirely unnecessary. It's something I'm hot on these days - especially in my own work. I've removed 2 of my own from this very review ! *Bigsmile*

In this particular case, no re-wording is needed. Just take it out.

They were just as addicted as the people they were hired to control.

~

Finding a station suitable for his purposes, tucked between a large woman with greasy, unkempt hair and an elderly man, Alan activated his proximity wireless beacon, immediately connecting with the open aetherweb jack and entering the casino.

It's marginal, but I think this sentence is getting a little long to flow as well as the rest of your piece. A little re-arranging makes for an easy split.

He found a suitable station, tucked between an elderly man, and a large woman with greasy, untidy hair. Activating his proximity wireless beacon, he immediately felt the connection with the open aetherweb jack and mentally entered the casino.

~

There could have been more, but frankly I was too absorbed in the rest of the story to notice. So there couldn't have been anything to glaring.

Summary

Haha, really liked this story. Well told indeed, with a grim, creepy atmosphere. Yes - this was great.

Keep it up and,

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
53
53
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey SouthernDiva

Last one, and I'll leave you alone - at least for a bit *Wink*

This one was quite different from your others. A different pace and tone that was still pleasant to read.

Technicalities & Observations

Now, I'm getting a little older and don't want to complain but there was not much I could do in a position like this.

A bit of a tense muck up there. Either the 'was' should be 'is' or the 'this' should be 'that' *Smile*

~

Summary

Bah... you're not leaving me much to comment on with these stories! I guess I'll have to put up with reading your work just for the enjoyment. *Wink*

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

This review was done on behalf of beautiful sig from Shannon's Sig Shack
54
54
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey SouthernDiva

Yup - you guessed it. I'm back. Blame Spider *Wink*

Haha, quite an amusing prompt for this little comp. Doesn't mention a word limit - did it have one?

Technicalities & Observations

The only real issue with this one is a bit of a rushed ending. So I'm guessing there was indeed a word limit. It starts very well, with someone nice little details that set the scene well. Perhaps some more could have been added at times, for example the mention of the 'severe thunderstorms' on the radio seemed to be a little too forced. I'd add something silly like ...

"I wasn't awake enough to take in the usual drone about cats stuck up trees, or the theft of a cache of kilts from a factory in the south of town. However, my ears perked up at the mention of "Severe thunderstorms today" from the weatherman. As I stepped under the warm, calming water I made a mental note to grab my rain gear and prayed for a good day.

~

The ending... I'm guessing she was promoted? But I really am not certain. Or wasn't until I read it 3-4 times.

I was partially listening as he introduced me. The new what? The new vice president?

I only partially heard him as he introduced me as the new...! The new Vice President!

Hmmm, not sure mine is any better. But there's got to be a way of making it a little clearer, whilst still maintaining that kind of confused-surprise that you seemed to aim for (which otherwise works well).

~

I looked over at my clothes in a crumble

Ha - finally spotted a typo from you. *grins* Only teasing. However, I'm guessing the clothes weren't baked into a delicious cake, but instead were in a 'crumpled pile'?

~

Summary

A lighthearted, easy-going and amusing little tale, pretty well fit into the prompt you had to work with. Glad to have found it.

Can there be more amusement in your port... I'd better go see.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
55
55
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Wistful Rune,

This is a member review for the "Invalid Item" 


Technicalities / Observations

I didn't spot any technicalities whilst reading, a truly intriguing story from start to finish.

I loved the little differences in the world you included, from the obvious prompt based difference, to "the first frosts of summer". Very neatly woven.

You skipped through a fair proportion of time with ease, and didn't let the story suffer for it - getting to the important aspects of the changes. If I have to suggest one thing then I would perhaps devote a little more to the revolution. It happened a little too quickly, although at the same time that gives a good impression of just how forcibly it was squashed.

Summary

An enjoyable read, I'll likely be back to your port to hunt out other shorts.

Until then...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **

56
56
Review of Flat-Lines  
Review by Smee
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey Izzie

As our Donor of the month I'm continuing my review of various short stories from your port on behalf of the "Invalid Item" 

Technicalities / Observations

Very, very little to mention technicality wise for this one..

“Where is she? She should be here by now,” she mutters under her breath. Crystal is late.

The only thing that occured to me whilst reading was this line. It jumps from the phonecall to Blossom wondering where Crystal was. I suggest giving some impression of the amount of time that has passed.

Summary

A wonderfully warming tale, I feel very happy for Blossom's future and hope that it holds everything she wants it to.

A very well told story, with a very good insight into the true mental dilemas facing a thousand carers everyday, not to mention a ridiculously loving woman to be so devoted to her alcoholic husband.

This must be one of the best present tense stories I've read - a tense I find difficult to use.

I'll likely be back soon, so until then...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **

57
57
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Witchhunter *Smile*

"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ."

Plus I can't resist first chapters where the author is so keen for an honest review. *Smile*

Technicalities and Observations

Before I get started - as far as I remember, all these are purely writing and style points. I loved the story, characters and plot so far. *Smile*

Ok...lets go for it.

Eliza stepped out of the club doorway and cursed as the first drop of freezing December rain hit her and ran down her neck before soaking into the velvet lining of her corset.

I suggest ending the sentence after 'her' and then continuing with something like.. "It ran down her neck, sending a small shiver down her spine, and quickly began soaking the velvet lining of her corset."

~

She nodded, too angry to reply, after all, if it wasn’t for the owner of that voice, her so-called best mate Sarah, she wouldn’t be looking at a half hour walk home in the freezing cold without even the money to pay for a taxi.

There's a number of little moments like this in the chapter. It's a style thing, rather than strict rule, but as the narrator it is best to avoid these dialogue-like extra's. I'd also end the sentence after "reply" and use the next sentence to describe why she's angry.

"half hour" can become 'half-hour' to keep it as one description.

~

The fact that she couldn’t even phone her boyfriend Stefan for a lift because the idiot friend of the single figure IQ bloke drooling down Sarah’s cleavage had dropped her mobile in his pint ‘accidentally’ after she’d turned him down just made things worse.

One of those chatty narrator moments.

I love this insult - but it's a bit too wordy to read easily. Something one or two words long would fit in better if you can come up with something.

~

and into the cold winter night alone

"alone" seems to be tagged on to the sentence unneccessary. We already know she's alone, and there's little need to mention it again. There's no real harm mentioning it again if you want it for emphasis, but the sentence would be punchier ending with 'night' so try and squeeze it in somewhere in the middle.

~

It felt to her frozen arms that she wrapped around herself, trying to squeeze feeling back in to the numbness that her entire body had become.

I read this sentence several times and I'm still not sure what it means. *Confused* I think the problem is with the blue part, although I could be wrong.

~

Instinctively she turned around, toward the voice[,] and found herself looking in to a face she could barely remember, a pleasant face that showed the hard years it had endured but somehow survived.

Punctuation isn't my strong point, although I'm learning. I think you have a missing comma that I added in [] and the second blue comma I think should be a ; - and extra part added onto the sentence expanding on the original point.

~

Something about the man walking next to her, easy with the cold rain running down his face and soaking into the collar of his shirt, made her wary. She wasn’t sure if it was the fact he was still wearing wrap-around shades despite the almost pitch black night or something more fundamental that she couldn’t quite grasp...

Fantastic description - really great image comes to mind. I'd stop it after grasp though and make what comes after a new sentence. You have quite a few run-on sentences, and I'll be picking out some more examples to show you.

~

mind numbing panic caused by Nathan walking near her

You mention this panic alot, and the vast majority comes out really well. This second mention though comes across awkwardly though. I suggest removing the blue part. We know he's walking near her. Unless you wanted to add to her paranoia/instincts by having a quick flash to her thoughts (put it in italics so we know it comes directly from her) "Was he closer now?"

~

him at all. Thinking about how much he’d changed..

In this example you have finished talking about the feeling of unease with Nathan, and then lead into the changes she notices since school.

The blue part is a good lead for a new paragraph, with a line inbetween. There's a couple of very chunky paragraph blocks that could be broken up in this way.

~

Thinking about how much he’d changed, about the difficulties he’d faced that were written in the deep creases on his forehead and the hollowness of his cheeks provided her with a welcome distraction from the terror that kept threatening to overwhelm her and with the easing of her fear came the desire to talk, to find out what Nathan had been doing since they’d last talked, over a decade ago.

This is a first example of a run-on sentence. Quite huge, with only 3 small comma's and a couple of 'ands' to keep it going. Most people would run out of breath trying to say this out loud. I would at least stick a period in after 'overwhelm her' and remove the 'and' that comes after.

~

Just for a moment, as he turned towards her and finished speaking, Eliza felt the full weight of his gaze fall on her, as it hadn’t since meeting, as if for the first time he was really studying her, dissecting her in his mind, considering what use he might put her to and without meaning to, her pace quickened.

A run-on. I suggest a period after 'fall on her' with whatever changes afterward to make it work.

~

"Look , I think I’ll just walk. It’s really kind of you to offer to pay for me and stuff but I feel a little queasy and the walk’ll probably do me good” Eliza ventured no longer able to ignore the sense of unease that threatened to tip over in to hysteria if she stayed with him much longer.

Watch out for appropriate punctuation between the end of dialogue and a tag afterward. The tag is so long I'd suggest a period in this example.

~

Somehow, despite the reassuring tone he used, his last words sounded almost like a threat or a warning to Eliza and it was with relief that she watched him turn around and walk back the way they’d come.

Just have to comment. This whole scene was excellent in portraying the sense of fear, irrational as it seems at this point in the story. Great to read. *Smile*

~

Nearly there. *Wink*

~

started to make her own way home.
[ ~ ]
Nathan walked,

At several points in the chapter you switch point-of-view between Liz and Nathan. I suggest a double gap with something like a tilde (~) to seperate them and prepare the reader for the change.

~

She watched as Alice climbed in to her brothers’ ford and slammed the door wishing she could kill the other girl, wishing she could find a way to hurt her as much as she herself was hurting but it was too late, the car started and Andy drove off, gunning the engine ruthlessly in his haste to get away from the awkward situation.

A bit of a run-on sentence but that's not why I mention this particular part. If you read the blue part then you think it's Alice that was wishing she could "kill the other girl". I suggest bringing that part of the sentence to the beginning so it's...

Wishing she could kill her, Liz watched as Alice casually climbed into her brother's [only the one brother] ford, and slammed the door.

~

pray you’re not there when I come round.

A very minor point, but there are right there at the house then, so I would swap 'there' for 'here'.

~

“Hey Eliza, look, I know I shouldn’t have but I was worried about you so I followed you home to make sure you were safe.”
“Thanks, at least someone gives a damn about me.”

This part is great - you don't specifically mention Nathan, just leave it to the reader to work it out. Very nicely done.

~

Now that she had finally succumbed to the need for sleep that he’d planted in her mind, he knew he was free to act on the plans that had been forming in his mind since he’d first seen her that evening and the sudden rush of anticipation that flooded him left him feeling giddy, almost drunk, well at least what he imagined feeling drunk to be like since his current state made that impossible.

A final run-on sentence example. I think I missed a couple, so it may be worth a quick scan yourself *Smile*

Summary

As I said at the beginning - I loved the start of the story. I don't read many vampire (I assume he's a vamp) stories but I do enjoy them. I certainly wouldn't have written quite so much if I hadn't enjoyed it. I'll be looking for Chapter 2 soon.

Until then...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
58
58
Review of Caboose Run  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Izzie,

A review for our Donor of the month *Smile*

This was a gripping tale, one that kept me reading until the end as I sought the ending I hoped for. Well done :)

Technicalities / Observations

Just a couple of points as I read through..

She struggles against the wind

Just an opinion on style. After the descriptive first sentence this sounds oddly short to follow. Perhaps lengthen it a little with some more detail. A 'howling' wind perhaps or even something more like..

She struggles against a howling wind that seems intent on robbing her of every trace of heat.

Excessive perhaps, but just an example, I'm sure you could do much better.

~

“Oh, all right!” Clearly annoyed, Hans walks towards his sister.

A little 8-year-old, I could see him having a bit more of a sulk than this. Add some more detail, surely he doesn't just stand up and walk over. Perhaps something like...

"Oh, all right!" Clearly annoyed, Hans makes a big show of putting down his cards and admonishing the others not to look at them. With a stare that could melt the snow still on Mary's coat, he stalks towards his sister.

Little details can really bring an image alive. *Smile*

~

I'm not going to quote the whole lot, but the conversation between Mary and her brother is a little weak. It's a crucial part of the story - the one requirement for her plan to get started - and it needs to be right.

The parts that seemed odd - her brother accepting it relatively calmly and coming up with all the important questions like money. Considering that Mary has been planning this, I would have thought she would have gushed most of that detail in one big go, in a bid to convince him straight away. 8 year olds usually don't waste time asking pertinent questions before making a decision. Unless he's convinced straight away he's likely to just sulk more and say no.

This also struck me as a fairly loud conversation. Perhaps have them move to a seperate room rather than just the corner.

"I want to go and find our mom, so she can take us away from the beatings."

Mentioning the beatings is ok at the end of the conversation, as she gets more desperate to convince him, but here I think it's more like to be hinted at. One, it holds the suspense off in the story a little longer. Two, bad things happen to kids then not mentioning it directly can be their way of coping with it.

e.g.

"I want to go find our Mom Hans, think about it. No more...well, you know."

~

Though she had tried to reassure her brother, she is not all that hopeful.

I think hopeful is the wrong word here. She is very hopeful, just not all that confident her hopes are going to happen. Confident isn't a strong enough word for this stressful time though.

Though she tries to reassure her brother, she already worries that it will all go wrong.

~

As the train comes to its usual screeching halt, Mary stops and grabs her brother’s arm. “Wait! Let the others go first. We’ll pretend to play on the snowbank,” she whispers in Hans’ ear.

We already know she's speaking to her brother. I don't think you need both of these tags. I think either pick one of them or combine them into one tag..

...Mary grabs her brother's arm and bends low to whisper in his ear. "Wait!...

~

The fierce wind and the loud clanging of the train’s wheels against the rails have made talking impossible.

You use a strange tone thoughout this story, but here it comes out incorrectly I think. You don't need 'have' in this sentence. You tell the story in present tense; as it is happening. I don't know the technicality behind it, but 'have made' sounds almost like past tense in some way. *Confused*

~

Time seems to drag on endlessly. Mary regrets her decision to come on this nightmarish trip.

No need to mention the blue part again. It was said in the sentences before, and again in the sentences after.

~

The kind man expresses relief when he finds only frostbites on Mary's and Hans' exposed skins.

This is a odd sounding sentence. I doubt he would be that happy at seeing frostbite - it can be a serious affliction. A little re-write.

The kind man sighs his relief when he discovers only the beginnings of frostbite where the wind had exposed their skin. With warmth and luck they'd be fine.

~

Summary

A sad story with a happy ending. With just a little work on a few parts, and some of the dialogue this could be a truly heart-touching story. I'm glad to have found it.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
59
59
Review of Life and Death  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Suze *Smile*

Discovered this story on the 'Read a Newbie' page and thought I'd give it a look.

This is a very nicely descriptive piece that described the hurt of death, and the almost torture-like effect of trying to live through the death of a loved one. A wonderful happy(ish) ending too *Smile*

Technicalities / Observations

Just a few points I thought worth a quick mention..

He was standing there, his hair loose about his shoulders, straight and tall; she met his eyes. They seemed so blue, a brighter blue even than the sky that surrounded them; his hair dark and loose about his shoulders; shoulders that were broad and well muscled, like his arms, and she remembered how strong they had felt when she was held in them, his body cupped around hers as if to protect her and cherish her.

We already know the hair is loose about his shoulders, no need to tell us twice. Too much repetition can break the flow of the story, and you use a fair amount of it already (and mainly to good effect). The second sentence is also rather long. I suggest making the highlighted 'and' the break for a new sentence.

~

She was the only one that noticed and for her it signalled 100 days that she had been alone.

There just seems to be something missing from this part. It appears rather abruptly. Perhaps something like..

...for her it marked the beginning of the hundredth day alone.

~

{c}100 days of his body lying cradling in cold earth and wood.

This should be 'cradled' I think. Cradling is an action (verb?) and needs to be attributed to something. e.g. A parent can be cradling a baby.

So to rewrite this to keep the word you want..

100 days of the cold earth cradling his lifeless body.

~

The moments slipping away, his shoulders growing less broad, his muscles disappearing, flesh melting onto bone and his hair, oh his beautiful, luxurious hair that she had so loved to touch, it had fallen out strand by strand until there was nothing left but pearly white skin. His arms no longer held her, instead she had held him, he too weak to do much more but lie there.

This is a confusing tangle of tenses - some past, some present. I struggle with tenses myself, and can't explain the issues technically. But I'll see if I can muddle through this one and write it as I believe you intended it...

The moments slipped away. His shoulders grew less broad, his muscles disappeared, his flesh melted onto bone. Worse, his beautiful luxurious hair - the hair she had so loved to touch - had fallen out strand by strand until there was nothing left but pearly white skin. His arms could no longer hold her, instead she had held him as he just lay there too weak to do more.

Compare the two and see where I've made changes. Hopefully that'll help explain the issue I spotted. *Smile*

~

Then she had cried again but properly this time, a river bursting its dams until there was nothing left inside of her and then she had slept.

Just a small plot point here. All the other symptoms had several sentences of description - showing your talent with vivid imagery. However, with this true crying it's all over in half a sentence. *Confused* At the least I would suggest starting a new sentence with the 'And' to give it the dramatic emphasis it needs to show how needed the sleep was, and solidly it arrived.

~

She saw the world anew again through her daughter’s eyes and laughed and cried at the beauty of it, no longer an ugly thing to be left haste, but wonderful and amazing, something to be held onto for as long as she could.

I'm not sure what you intended with 'haste' but it doesn't make sense that I understand - although that's possibly a british thing *Wink*

Also - this is the final sentence, declaring the final joy she has discovered with the birth of her daughter. It seems very rushed, almost impatient to be finished, constrained to one sentence like this. I would seperate it into a couple of sentences to add emphasis at this new found pleasure in life...

Laughter bubbled through her as she beheld the world anew through her daughter’s eyes. She couldn't help but cry with joy at the beauty of life; no longer an ugly, bitter thing to waste, but a wonderful and amazing gift to grasp and hold onto for as long as she could.

~

Summary

I enjoyed many of the descriptions you used, and you portrayed the desperation and need to have him back very well. Addressing just a handful of minor points can really bring the best out of this already good read. Excellent stuff.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **
60
60
Review of The Sculptor  
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey pathart

I spotted this on the review request page, and I have to agree with you, something is definately wrong. *Bigsmile*

What an entirely random, and hilarious ending.*Laugh*

Technicalities / Observations

I didn't spot any - I was drawn by the story, eager to discover what the "New Discipline" was, and indeed how you would describe it. I was expecting something spectacular, something amazing - as I'm sure you planned.

It is wrong to say I was disappointed, but surprised was high up on the list. *Wink*

Summary

Hilarious in its pure wrongness, and the awesome build up not ruining the surprise.

Dare I look through your port for more to read *Shock*

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **


*wanders off thinking "what on earth rating do I give it" *Wink**
61
61
Review of Contrition  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Pentopaper, *Smile*

Spotted this on the review request page and thought I'd check it out.

Technicalities / Observations

I didn't pick out anything specific to mention except the formatting. Extra internet-spacing aside, I think some little marking that you have switched character POV would stop a few moments of confusion. Perhaps just a ~ on a blank line to break it up.

Summary

An enjoyable story. I flowed through, pretty easily, right to the end. I didn't get caught on any awkward sentences, and didn't spot any glaring grammar issues.

The story itself was quirky, amusing and had some good dialogue. You got into the heads of the two main characters well and with good distinction between them. Excellent writing *Smile*


Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **

62
62
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hey Jessie *Smile*

I discovered this recently and something drew me in to read.

This is a very heart-warming story - I'm guessing there's some element of truth in it? If so, then I hope you forgive me the list of points I'm about to make. I only want to help you show this story as best you can..

Technicalities / Observations

First point is an easy one - Spacing. All clumped up in one big piece of text makes it very hard to read on a computer screen. Try to put in a blank line between paragraphs and when someone speaks. Also, when the story moves to a new event at another time, put in a double space with a line or something to seperate.

As this was happening, her grandmother cried, “No ”
Before Emily knew it the day of his funeral came into being.

eg.

As this was happening, her grandmother cried, "No"

~

Before Emily knew it, the day of his funeral came into being.

Makes it much easier for the reader to know that we've moved to a different event.

~

A few days have now since passed since the passing of Emily’s grandfather.

An extra 'since' in there. You don't need it. *Smile*

~

though all she sees are the stars as well as the moon brightening the night sky.

The blue words make this sentence weak, and lose flow. Perhaps something like..

..though all she sees is the stars and moon brightening the night sky

~

A message that said there’s always light in the darkest places of life. Of course, Emily knew that very well to be true, her being a Christian and all. She heard a similar phrase all her life, but this message was the same through and through. Though, at times it was hard for Emily to find the light when so much darkness surrounded.

This paragraph is very confused. Sentences stop when they shouldn't and don't when they should *Confused*

The message flowed through her, announcing louder than words what she had been told all her life.

There's always light, even in the darkest places of life.

She remembered her christian upbringing. She'd heard the same message many times; from parents, friends, her priest. It had always seemed too hard to believe. How could there be light when so much darkness surrounded her?

~

Emily’s eyes filled with tears as a plague of regretfulness seemed to lay upon her heart.

Awkward sentence. She was crying before, then smiling through the tears, and now crying at a regretfulness that was already present? *Confused* I think you meant to say the regret suddenly overcame her?

Emily's eyes filled with tears again as a torrent of regret overwhelmed her, feeling like a plague upon her heart

~

She wanted so much to right the wrong, to take back the words she said, prayed, and thought, but knew it was too late.

Clunky sentence. I suggest making this a couple of shorter sentences. Something like..

If only she could take back the words she had said, the thoughts she had prayed. But she knew it was too late for wishes.

~

Suddenly a voice spoke with whom she knew to be of the Lord,

This sentence doesn't make sense. Spoke with what? I think I know what you're trying to say.

Suddenly a voice spoke. It held such an aura of power, and warmth - of light and hope - that she knew it could only be the voice of the Lord

~

Emily sat in the living room along with her mother, grandmother, and her dying grandfather. At his bedside her grandmother sat, knowing at any moment he could slip away from this world. On the verge of tears, her grandmother was.

This is a really odd part. We know her grandfather is there, no need to repeat it. And the second sentence appears to be in 'Yoda-speech' *Confused*

Her grandmother and mother also kept vigilence around her grandfather's bed. All three were close to tears, knowing he could slip away at any moment.

~

“I love you,” she replied with tears coming down that she could no longer hold.

You describe them crying many times in this story. Each time you seem to use mroe words than necessary, and it broke me away from the mood as I read. Simple can often be the strongest..

"I love you," she replied; tears streaming freely down her face.

There's no need to say "she could no longer hold." As soon as you tell us she's crying, we know that she couldn't hold it. Watch out for repeating yourself.

~

A restless night began to plague at Emily as she tried to sleep.

Your second use of plague, and it reads awkwardly too. How can it begin to plague? A restless night is the result of something else plaguing. The night itself doesn't cause it.

Worries, regret and anxiety plagued Emily before she had even closed her eyes. They swirled around and around her tired mind, preventing any chance of sleep finding her.

~

That night had now soon turned into day and Emily had just dozed thirty minutes prior.

"Had now soon" doesn't make sense, and "Just dozed" and Prior don't work in this sentence. It sounds too casual for the disturbing night she had.

The night gave way to day, and Emily rubbed gritted eyes. The little sleep she had managed had been light and filled with nightmares.

~

Knowingly he was better off, but the just thought of losing someone so dear troubled her.

Knowingly isn't the right word here, and 'but the' doesn't make sense. 'Troubled' seems to be a bit of an unstatement too.

She was distraught losing someone so dear, despite knowing he was better off without his suffering.

~

Looking through the other dozen examples I have, I see they are all much the same point. Awkward sentences, words used in the wrong context and a few typos.

Have a careful edit yourself and see what you can find with the help I've given so far. It may help to try reading it outloud. If you find yourself having to go back to the beginning of the line to read again because you didn't say it right, it's probably because the sentence is awkward. Rearrange it and try reading it out loud again.

Summary

As I said at the beginning, this is a lovely, heartwarming story. But it could be much more! Give it another go, and then let me know. I'll be back to see how you've done and see if we can make it even better. It should be able to get most readers brimming with tears by the time they have finished and laughing with joy at the end - and we'll get it as close as we can.

Until then...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **


63
63
Review of Revenge for Death  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey Orchid, *Smile*

I discovered your story on the 'Read a Newbie' page and was drawn in by your intriguing tagline.

Technicalities / Observations

I spotted quite a few things to suggest to you in just the first paragraph! So, rather than finishing the story, I've decided to give you a break-down of the first part. Once you've had a chance to have a look through and edit, let me know and I'll be back to finish the rest of the story. *Bigsmile*

I looked in my rear view mirror, once again and the same motorbike was behind me, I didn’t think anything of it 20 miles ago but going down the motorway bikes usually thrash past you at unbelievable speeds.

This is a run-on sentence. (For more help see "3.1 The Sentence Amusement Park"  under Choo-choo train.) Most of the examples I'm about to show you are too. Try to split them up into smaller sentences.

eg.

With a grimace I noticed the motorbike was still following me. It appeared for the first time in my rear-view mirror over 20 miles ago, but I'd ignored it like the rest of the traffic. But when it didn't thrash past me on the motorway I was suspicious.

~

The road was empty which seemed odd as it was only 3pm, the bike started to speed along side me and I saw his hand slip down his jacket a pull out an Uzi I looked I horror and I saw him aim for my head.

Similar sized run-on sentence as before.

I think it's unlikely he could tell the biker was aiming for his head, whilst driving, and so shocked at the attack. It'd be more convincing if it was just a panic-driven guess or something like that.

The blue words are making this sentence telling, rather than showing. Much of the story I've read so far has been the same. I don't feel for the character, like he's talking at me, rather than me seeing what he's going through.

The bold words are typos *Smile*

A quick glance at the clock showed it was only 3pm in the afternoon, yet the road was empty. Taking advantage of the extra space, the bike pulled up along side me, easily matching my speed. I risked a head-turn and saw him put a gloved hand inside his jacket, pulling something metallic out of a pocket. A gun? Worse, an Uzi! Panic made the car swerve violently as I recoiled in fear, trying to hide pointlessly behind my seat, and keep control.

I'll stop there because the other examples are much the same issues, and I'm sure you can spot them now *Smile*

Summary

You've got the plot, which means you're over halfway there - and that's the hard part too. Now you just need to arrange the right words to get the story out as you see it in your head.

I'm hooked, and look forward to reading the rest of that story, and increasing your rating to atleast a 3.5.

Let me know and I'll be along, but until then...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **

64
64
Review of Borders  
Review by Smee
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey Nova,

Found this on the 'Read a Newbie' page and was intrigued by your tagline. *Smile*

Technicalities / Observations

Before we get to the good stuff, just a few points I spotted whilst reading...

My eyes are focused on what I am doing although my mind wanders to how when I was a child I would do the same

The blue part makes this a rather awkward sentence to read. A bit too wordy.

...my mind wandered through memories of doing the same as a child.

~

I stand quickly[,] closing my eyes as I wait for the resulting dizziness to subside

Quite a bit of dodgy/missing punctuation throughout the story, a quick edit would probably catch most of it. *Smile*

~

the ocean that spans across my view- bold, blue, and glassy, the sun sliced in half as it sinks beneath the horizon.

I'm still practicing/learning on this one, but I think the blue comma should be a ';'. But I picked this sentence out because I think it's a good example of the many occassions you use excellent descriptions throughout. *Smile*

~

first heard Its limping heavy tred over the sounds

I don't think that's a word? *Confused* Possible alternative...

first hear Its heavy footsteps limping towards me, audible even over the sounds of the ocean.

~

Now I simply wait, unmoving and trying to stay in my doze, hopefully someday I will be able to sleep through the whole thing, not having to give up my precious day time to fitful sleep with dark dreams.

A bit of a run-on sentence I think. I'd split it after 'doze'.

~

Summary

I really liked this story. Creepy, and well told, with excellent descriptions. Many questions are thrown up - Where did the beast come from? Can't they band together and kill it? Can't they make their boxes bigger so they can sleep more easily? How does the box protect them?

But the way you have told it means that none of those questions matter. The story is great to read without knowing all that - possibly better without it! It allows the reader to come up with their own ideas - perhaps it is a dream/nightmare that only effects this one person. The day they are caught by the beast is the day another (more violent) part of their personality is released from the depths of their mind?

Keep it up and ...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
** Image ID #1126996 Unavailable **


65
65
Review of The Blind Sight  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey fouadalnoor

I discovered this story on the 'Read a newbie' page and was drawn in by the tagline about a blind boy. I read a book by Dean Koontz that involved a boy that went blind and thought it would be interesting to read something along the same lines.

I wasn't disappointed *Smile*

Technicalities / Observations

You have the story already, but here are a few points I hope will be helpful in making your writing a little clearer and get your story across better...the easier it is to read, the more people will. *Smile*

~

I have never seen the ting you call light...
...I want to be able to see the tings I touch.

This could quite possibly be a deliberate use of 'ting' instead of 'thing' to give the child-like look, but thought I'm mention it anyway. Typos are tricky things that sneak in everywhere *Smile*

~

It was always dark and it still is, but I can’t help but wonder what it is like seeing things…

This is the first of a few places where your sentences get the information across, but in an awkward way. All of the ones I will point out caused me to read the line twice, to make sure I understood it. It is the ambition of an author to have every line so clear the reader need pass over only once and still understand.

It has always been dark, and always will be, but I can't help but dream what 'sight' would be like.

~

I can only feel and hear things and every day I ask God, why he made me blind and what is my purpose.

Two seperate, disjoined thoughts in one sentence. Try to keep a sentence on the one topic it starts with, and then introduce the next topic in the next sentence. Also - what about smell?

My world is one of sounds, smells and feelings. The cry of a baby, the smell of grass, the warmth when my mom hugs me. But it is a world devoid of 'colour', of light, of seeing those I love and knowing they can see me. Every day I ask God why in my prayers. Why have you made me blind? What is my purpose?

~

One day I woke up to the sound of my mom telling my dad to take me to some place, a place called a blind school so I could learn how to read, but I did not want to go there and I did not want to read I only want to see, I want to see everything.

This is a run-on sentence - trying to cover a lot of ground with pause for breath (To learn more about run-on sentences, check out "3.1 The Sentence Amusement Park"  and see the 'Choo-choo train' *Smile* ). Slow down a little and split it up when you move topic.

One day I woke up to my mom's voice echoing from downstairs. She was talking to my dad about a special school for blind people where I could learn how to read. I wasn't interested. I had no interest in learning to read, I wanted to see, see everything and nothing less was enough.

~

I want to see the light ,or my mum and dad, I want to be able to see the things I touch.

Be careful with tenses. It's something that caught me out badly when I started writing, and still does if I don't pay close attention. This is something that happened in the past, so he 'wanted' to see the light. Have a check through the rest of the story, there maybe other examples of tense problems I haven't mentioned.

~

After a while my mum told me to try that school, she said if I did not like it I could go back and they would never send me back.

I'm not sure this sentence makes sence with the blue part included.

Did you mean something like..

A few days later my mum talked to me about the school. She said that if I just tried it out, and I didn't like it then I wouldn't have to go back again.

Also - watch out for 'mom' and 'mum'. You use both in this story. Either your American or English *Wink*

~

Eventually I said I would go, but only in one condition that she would tell me what the sky looked like…

Wrong word here. "Only 'on' one condition

~

Her skin was soft as silk and her voice was very calm, I have never heard I calm voice like that before other them my mother and father.

Lovely description of her skin. Watch out for repetition (calm) as it usually sounds clunky when close together like this. Perhaps try a rearrangement and a different word to make it easier to read. The violet 'have' is a tense issue. It happened in the past, the boy has already heard it in the future.

Her skin was soft as silk and her voice flowed through me like water. I had never heard such a friendly voice before, except perhaps my mom.

~

I also want to say that my parents died in a fire [a]long time ago, but now I have been adopted by David and Christine, of course I only call them dad and mum so they don’t get sad and feel even more sorry for me….

To stick this in like this is odd, and it jerked me from the story. I would suggest introducing David and Christine earlier in the story as the foster parents. That way, you can explain why you call them mom/mum and dad now without having to force in the extra information.

~

“I have checked your eyes and they seem fine, but I do not know why you are blind”

Don't forget punctuation at the end of dialogue. You do that quite a lot in this story.

The other reason I mention this particular line is that it doesn't sound like a doctor speaking, and you've put it in speech marks like a quote. The doctor is talking to a child so it doesn't need to be really complicated, just a little more adult.

"I have checked your eyes, and have done all the tests available. The strange thing is, they seem to be working perfectly. I'm sorry, but I do not know why you can't see."

~

I sat down in a chair and told her that I wanted to talk to her in private, she sat down on a chair next to me and said with a calm and warm voice “hi Alex what does a cute boy want to talk to me about?”

Some repetition here, and also very strange dialogue that seems out of character.

The second 'sat on a chair' you can just delete and it'll still make sense. We can guess she sat on a chair too.

What she says though doesn't fit, perhaps something like..

"Hi Alex, what's up to make your cute face look so serious?"

~

She did not say anything for about two minutes and then she said “are you sure about this Alex?, do you want to take the chance of going to a doctor again and maybe even get hurt?” “I was quiet for a while and then I said “ I don’t have a choice Jane, I have to do it”. Jane held my hand and told me “ ok, let’s get your sight back!” when she said that I got a hope of getting my sight back and that feeling had been gone since I was six years old.

Much of the dialogue gets confusing, especially when it is in a big paragraph like this. Grammar and punctuation is completely shot here as well.

Try to put dialogue from each different speaker on a new line so it looks like this..

"Hi Bob," said Ben.

"Hi Ben, how are you?"

"Pretty good, but I've hurt my leg." Ben's face twisted in a grimace as he pointed at the cut.

"Oooh that looks painful," Bob said. "You should get that looked at."

Makes it much easier to read and see what is going on, who is speaking and easy to add the speech tags afterward.

~

I can't get through this story without pointing out some of the wonderful descriptions you use all the way through. At times you really bring the world of sounds and smells and touch to life. *Bigsmile*

After I showered and brushed my teeth with a tooth paste that smelled like strawberry I went to down the stairs and inn to the kitchen.

hear the birds outside my window and I could feel the sun’s warmth

Great stuff, try and use it more. Bring the world alive with smells, sounds and feelings. *Smile*

~

Last one..

other people who were talking to each other about their where they had pain.

A random sentence that doesn't make sense.*Confused*


Summary

A wonderfully innocent, refreshing and frank look at life from the boy's perspective. I really enjoyed reading it.

I hope you come back to this and work on it. This could become a really magical story that touches anyone that reads it.

Keep it up and...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
66
66
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Saku Kitty *Smile*

I found this story on the 'Read a newbie' page. Your choice of tag-line is good, certainly enough to drag me in for a look-see.

Technicalities / Observations

Jsut a few points I spotted whilst reading that may help make it read a little better.

My entire body ached with a pain so undescribable and horrid, as if every bone in my body was shattered.

Your entire chapter is filled with very good description that really conjures up vivid imagery. In a couple of places though, like here, it gets a little awkward and actually confuses more than helps.
How about making 'undescribably horrid' and lose the 'so'.

My entire body burned with pain, undescribably horrid as if my every bone was shattered, every muscle torn.

~

I pried my eyes open from the crusted blood which enclosed them revealing a bright florescent light above me, the brightness tearing at the corneas of my eyes like a thousand needles.

More excellent description but I'm not sure 'enclosed' is the right word to fit here. Perhaps something like ..

I pried my eyes open from the dried blood which encrusted them.

You also repeat the use of 'bright' to describe the light...

revealing a bright florescent light above me, the intensity tearing at the corneas of my eyes like a thousand needles.

Great image at the end there. *Smile*

~

Up from my stomach, ripping at my throat, I turned my head to the cement ground below me and let the poison vomit flow.

I confess I'm not certain I know what you mean here? *Confused*

Are you ripping at your own throat, or did movement cause a ripping like sensation? Perhaps the vomit was ripping at your throat as it rose? It's important to try and make sure there isn't this sort of confusion for a reader. Every time they stop to re-read a sentence, they break from the flow of the story.

~

I was almost gasping for air as I fell out of the metal chair which held me and onto the floor, catching myself with my hands.

Almost? After such violent vomiting, and all the pain, I think it's fair to allow this person to 'actually' gasp for a bit of air.

"Which held me" isn't needed here. If you've just fallen out of it, then clearly it held you before without the need to state it.

~

Stumbling to the door, I tried to regain my memory. All I knew was that I did not want to be where I was.

This struck me as an odd way of phrasing it. Perhaps you 'tried to remember' or better, 'I dredged through the fog in my head, desperate for any memory, any glipse of who or what I was.'

~

There's no need to write out any more than a few words of a language we don't understand, and don't get translation of. Completely wasted paragraph, unless you expect your readers to know, where the protagonist doesn't.

After a sentence at most, just skip to something like "the words continued, creeping on the edge of understanding in a almost hypnotic way."

~

I only focused on escape.

I think it reads just a little better the other way round.

"I focused only on escape"

~

Summary

A vivid, intense and creepy start. This promises to be a good story as we slowly discover more behind this cult like activity and more importantly, who we are and what happened to us. I look forward to seeing how this story continues. Let me know.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

** Image ID #1123204 Unavailable **

67
67
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey WWE Diva *Smile*

I can't say I'm a WWE fan, but I saw your request on "Please Review"  and somehow I read your whole chapter without realising. Something in your style must hook me in. *Smile*

Technicalities / Observations

Just a few little points I spotted whilst reading.

“Oh, please, call me J.R” he said rather jolly.

Jolly doesn't work like that. You could say 'he said in rather a jolly way', butb that isn't much better. Perhaps replace jolly with 'Cheerfully', or say something like "he said with a friendly smile."

~

“Now, before anything, I’d like to welcome you to the World Wrestling Entertainment. On behalf of the whole locker room, I’d like to say welcome, and I hope to see you here for a very long time” he said, reaching for a clipboard

Bizarre repetition here. Bring the 'locker room' part to the beginning and make it all one statement..

"Now, on behalf of the whole locker room I'd like to welcome you to the World Wrestling Entertainment. May you continue you to enjoy yourself with us for a very long time."

~

As they proceeded with the questions, Liz felt more relaxed. Finally, they were finished.

This reads strangely, you skipped over the questions a little too quickly.

Perhaps something like..

As they proceeded with the questions Liz started relaxing in the pleasant company of her new boss. By the time the questions were over she was actually enjoying herself.

~

Throughout the whole chapter you have dodgy punctuation with dialogue. Speech always needs some form of punctuation at the end, usually a period or comma. Some examples from your chapter ...

- Maria smiled “Hi” she said very cheerful “I’m Maria, but I’m sure you already knew that[period]”

- “Yeah, sounds like you need it[comma]” a females voice said behind her.

- “Ugh, I should get something to eat, it was a long flight,[comma]” she said to herself

~

Liz grabbed her luggage with one hand and plate in the other and sat down.

A very bizarre action. Wouldn't she put her luggage and plate down first, and then sit down? Why is she grabbing it, I thought she was already holding it?

Struggling with her luggage in one hand and a plate in the other, Liz squeezed into the seat.

~

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to bump you” she said nervous.

A similar example to the 'Jolly' one earlier. This needs to be 'nervously', or something similar.

~

Summary

Best of luck continuing this one. I hope what I pointed out helps you spot similar examples in the future.

If I spot the second chapter I may well get drawn in again. Who knows, perhaps you can be the one that actually gets me into WWE *Wink*

Until then...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
68
68
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Anne,

Creepy story, although I must say I expected perhaps a greater twist at the end after such a wonderfully descriptive beginning, but it is still a good story. *Smile*

Technicalities / Observations

Just a few points I spotted whilst reading.

He had a haughty tone to his deep voice, and his smile only had two settings: smug or cruel.

The opening character descriptions were great, and particularly enjoyed this part. Great imagery.

~

She had long heavenly golden curls that were the envy of every woman in town, and pale green eyes framed with long dark lashes.

An equally good description of Mary, but I think 'heavenly' was one adjective too far. It made the sentence a little clunky.

~

She didn’t even know if Mary knew that she was trying to see her.

I little awkward to read. Perhaps something like..

She didn't even know if Mary was told she'd tried to see her.

~

It became a sort of town obsession

Scrap those two words - it was a real, full blown obsession by the sounds of it. Let it be *Smile*

~

entwined with her golden hair, making it glitter

Perhaps 'entwined through' or 'entwined in'?

~

“No,” Mr. Bickerstaff replied, turning away. “It is of no greatcomfort to me."

You don't need 'great' in there - it seems out of character and rather formal for someone upset with news his wife is going to die.

~

Summary

All very minor points in an otherwise good story. I'm glad I found it.


Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
69
69
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Maryann,

I found this at "Invalid Item"  and it caught my interest.

Technicalities / Observations

Just a few thoughts that occured to me whilst reading.

You have all the pieces to this idea but you've put them together in a way that doesn't quite squeeze all you could out of it. In general the tone is very chatty. If it was a live video transmission that would be a bonus, but for what sounds like a letter/email it needs a few changes.

As you know, I attend North Crater Academy on the Planet Saturn.

You're trying to give this information to the readers but it sounds very forced, because you wouldn't phrase it this way to a favourite cousin.

Maybe something like..

Did you know I'm at North Crater Academy now? I was so please when I found out, it's the best school on Saturn!

~

You have many moments explaining some of the strange sights and sounds on Earth yet every now and then you slip in something that seems unlikely to be known by aliens.

eg.. with a scoop of ice cream in each.

Instead of 'scoop' I thought it be fun to have something like 'splat' or 'blob' or something like that.

with a strange rounded blob of the ice-cream in each.

~

I know that you know what a shovel is because we played with one together at the Earth artifacts fair back home near my house.

Very strange line. Keep it friendly.

Remember when we played with that shovel we found at the Earth Artificats fair back home? That was so much fun

~

The teacher was even laughing with us this time

The teacher was laughing with them the time before - I don't think you need it this second time. Just leave it at "We all had a great day."

~

Summary

There's quite a few other places where similar points could be made, but I'm sure you can spot those with a quick review of your own. This could really be a hilarious little story and I love the idea behind it. Keep it up.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
70
70
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey Jody N,

I'm back *Smile*

I enjoyed this opening, it was very sweet, and told in a fun way. I especially enjoyed the conversation with her daughter - lovely dialogue *Smile*

Technicalities and Observations

This had a lot to do with the police patrolling the avenue.

I don't like the sound of the 'this' at the start of the sentence.

The police patrolling the avenue seemed to be the source of the tension.

~

From some where

Somewhere - one word *Smile*

~

She had a bit of a distracted air. It was as though she was thinking about 10 things and worrying about 5 of them.

I don't think two sentences are necessary here, and why make it 'as though she was' when she probably 'is' thinking of 10 things at once?

She had a distracted air from thinking about ten things at once; worrying about five of them.

~

She was already 15 minutes late for picking up her daughter Erica, and was not paying attention to where she was going.

We know already that she is picking up her daughter from the previous sentence. This is unnecessary. And she is on the way to pick up her daughter, I think she'll be paying at least a little attention to make sure she going the right way. Maybe just not paying attention to what is in front of her?

Already 15 minutes late, Hannah was rushing and paying little attention to what was in front of her.

~

The force of impact made her fall back and her hands were full of various bags and items so she could not even try to soften her blow.

An awkward sentence.

With the force of the impact she fell back ungracefully, the bags in each hand preventing any chance of cushioning the fall.

~

“Could have been worse,” she muttered to herself after they had walked away.

“I only have a bruised tail bone, and have a bit of a scare, that’s all. Could have been far worse. Has been far worse for some.”

The seperation in the dialogue made this sound odd when reading, and also it is a little formal for talking to herself.

"Could have been worse," she muttered to herself after they had walked away. "A lot worse," she amended, remembering some of the stories she'd heard.

~

no that she

Know *Smile*

~

He said it was ok mama, but he wanted to get going now. We are hungry and you said we would have cookies”

“So I did! Come on then. Get your bag and we will head off. Lets take the back way, I want to avoid the troll this time.”

Lovely dialogue *Bigsmile*

~

Summary

A good read, and I'm enjoying working my way through your port.

Keep it up and,

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
71
71
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey Galadhwen,

I spotted the review request for Illarion: Chapter 1, and I will get to that soon, but for now I thought I would check out something a little shorter.

This introduction sure is intriguing, with plenty happening in a short chapter - a good way of capturing interest with a prologue. *Smile*

Below are some of my observations that I hope will help you improve on what you already have *Smile*

Technicalities

Most of what I spotted is sentence arrangement. There are quite a few awkward sentences that get the information across but break the flow of the reader. For me it meant reading the same line several times to make sure I understood it.

I'll go through the first paragraph...

As wind blew in from the south, embers flickered in the air as they became ash. The smell of smoke hung heavy on the breeze.

This example is the very first line, the most important line after the title for dragging people into your story and on to the end.

Notice the two highlighted 'as'. I think both of them are odd, and they confuse the sentence. The second sentence is very bolted on and doesn't fit well.

Maybe something like..

A southern wind swirled through the fires sending flickering embers high in the air. The stench of smoke permeated everything as it drifted with the breeze.

~

Beyond the quiet forest scenery, a fierce battle waged on, with an unsure outcome.

We don't need to know that yet, you'll get there in a moment as you describe the village.

~

Rain drops lightly misted the camp that was so well hidden in the woods, giving things a more subtle appearance than what it truly was. Beyond the forest, there was a valley, where a quiet town used to be, settled in on rolling hills.

Awkward arrangement of words.

Through the mist of raindrops the subtle outline of a camp, hidden in the woodland, is barely visible. Beyond the forest, nestled in a valley, lie the ruins of a quiet town draped across several low hills.

~

The morning before, as evening had come, the unexpected had occurred without warning. As if drudged up out of the earth itself, a small number of militia had marched upon the town, and easily overcome most of the guards. What used to be the gates floated out along the breeze, landing somewhere in the mountain range to the north.

The first blue part isn't needed. Like before, this is telling us what is about to happen rather than waiting for you to then later show us.

I'm not sure how gates float on the breeze unless it's hurricane-force or you mean the ash-remains of the gate float on the breeze?

The third part I don't think adds anything to the story worth including it for.

Until the evening before it had been a thriving community enjoying their lives. A band of militia fell on to the town-defenses so suddenly it was like they had just formed up out the earth. The guards were overcome quickly and the burning remains of the once-proud gates floated out on the breeze.

~

Still in the city, a girl, no more than ten years old stood, clutching her father’s old hunting bow.

The comma after 'stood' needs to go before it, after 'old'.

~

His axe he wielded with brutish strength, yet when the arrow pierced his chest, he flinched, dropping his guard, just long enough for one of the soldiers to drive a sword through him.

Some word arrangement, tenses and comma issues here.

He wielded his axe with brutish strength; easily fending off several soldiers at once. An arrow pierced his chest and he fell back from the shock. With his guard down the nearest swordsman took the opportunity and drove a sword through his heart.

~

Summary

There are a few other examples of similar issues but I'm sure you can spot them, although give me a shout if you want more help.

You've got the prologue, so bring on the story. Let's see where you take us.

I look forward to seeing more of this one and finding chance to read Illarion too.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
72
72
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hey Jule,

I spotted your request for a review, and thought I'd check it out.

I brutal, and entertaining story - I enjoyed it *Smile*

All the below is just some thoughts of mine. Please only take it as encouragement and help in continuing your writing. *Smile*

Technicalities

A quick mention of the typos and spelling because I can't ignore it. It is pretty bad, and makes it hard to get into a flow of a story.

With that is the spacing - all clumped together is hardwork when reading on a computer screen. A space between paragraphs and dialogue really makes the difference.

~

"No I won't. Come on tell me," Carl said coaxingly. Hoping to hurry and get
the little interuption over with so that they could get back to business.

These two sentences sound awkward - I think they read as if they were only one sentence, so the fullstop breaks the flow.

Perhaps something like..?

...Carl said coaxingly; getting back to business the only thing really on his mind.

~

It was kind of like the feeling you get when you're walking down a dark abondoned street late at night. Suddenly you get the errie feeling that someone or something is fllowing you. Stalking you.

The adrenalin starts to flow through your veins like ice water, causing chills to run down your spine.Your heart starts to pound faster and faster. Harder and harder. Untill you feel as though it will burst at any moment.

You can feel the scream on the tip of your tounge just waiting to burst forth. Yet knowing that when the time comes, no sound will escape your lips. You want to run but don't for fear it will cause them to snatch you up all the sooner. You can feel thier outstretched icey fingers now just inches away. Comming closer and closer.....

This whole bit is suddenly in second person. It's inside Paula's head but that should be first person as far as I'm aware. *Confused*

At the least it needs some lines seperating it from the main story, possibly putting in italics too.

~

Carl jumped up outside the window beside Paula, howling like a wolf. A sick wolf at that.

This little extra sentence is purely between the narrator and the reader, not part of the story. I don't know if you intended that, but it can often break the flow in a serious story, but works well in humour stories.

~

"It's alright. I'll be right back. Quit being such a baby."
"Alright. Just remember what my grandma used to say. Curiosity killed the cat,'she called out behind him.

She's been whiny and moany all the way through, and suddenly she's calm and composed. Seems out of character.

I expected her to just repeat another plea in something like a wail, and Carl just ignoring her.

~

As the beast gripped him tightly by the head, dangling his body several feet above the ground, and he looked into the creature's bloodshot yellow-green sickened eyes, Carl Bogdanowitz knew that this would be the last thing he would ever see alive again.

A very awkward and long sentence. When I find one of these in my work I try saying out loud to myself. Reading it out loud tends to highlight all the moments you find yourself out of breath and would put a stop or pause in.

Maybe something like...

The beast had him locked in a deathgrip around the head, his feet dangling high above the ground. Caught in the gaze of the bloodshot yellow eyes, Carl Bogdanowitz realised this was the last thing he'd ever see.

~

The beast dropped Carl's body to the ground,where it quivered and shook one
last time. Then Carl's body laid limp and void on the lakeshore.

Awkward sentences again, and repetition with 'Carl's Body'

The beast casually discarded Carl's lifeless form by the lakeshore, blood still pouring from the horrific injuries. It shuddered one last time and lay still.

~

There's more examples of similar issues in the second part of the story, that goes back to Paula, but I'm out of time, so I'll have to leave you to discover them.

Do, do, do keep writing - I wouldn't have written this review if I didn't think your story worth it.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
73
73
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Jody N,

I noticed this story on the Please Review list as I wandered around in newbie fashion. I was looking for something fantasy-based to review, and whilst this is perhaps a little young for me to enjoy the story, hopefully I can provide some useful comments. *Smile*

First off, if I was 9 years old again, I would most definately have enjoyed it. A lovely little story that takes me back to some of the collections of Edin Blyton shorts I devoured as a child. Something to learn, but always in a fun way *Smile*

Technicalities

I'm sure these are typos rather than actual mistakes as I noticed correct usage in many places, but I thought I'd point these out for you...

Amy followed him calling “Fred! Fred stop! Come back here cat!.” but Fred ran on.

He cried. “Oh, Miss giant! Just step on me now and end my suffering for I will never be happy again!” and with that he flopped onto a comfortable looking toadstool.

Yes, of course my lady. Will you please help?” he threw himself dramatically at her feet

Each of these has terminating punctuation at the end of the speech, with lower-case start to the next sentence.

The second two I think are ok with just a capital letter added, but I think the first becomes awkward with a new sentence. Maybe something like...

“Fred! Fred stop! Come back here cat,” Amy called out as she tried to catch him, but Fred ran on.

~

When it feel it completely covered my way home.”

Just a little typo - Fell I think. *Smile*

~

And with that he lost the happy face he was trying to put on and crumpled into a dirty, frumpy, little grey ragged heap again.

This caught me up as I read through the first time. I think there are too many descriptions of the heap making it strange to read. I think dirty, little, grey heap is sufficent, but that's entirely a matter of opinion.

~

Still, somehow she knew that this was not the end of her adventures with Blargnarf,.

Sneaky double punctuation snuck in right at the end.

~

Fred was not being distracted from his interest in the sound, he was determined to find out what was causing it.

This sentence came across awkward to me. First off, we don't know he'd heard a sound, just something caught his attention. Might be worth making it 'a sound' rather than 'the'. I think there's some missing action too. Perhaps something like..

Fred ignored his mistress; he wasn't about to be distracted from the strange sound he'd just heard.

~

Summary

An enjoyable story, and good writing proven by the trivial nature of the points I picked out.

I look forward to finding time to check out the other work in your Portfolio.

Happy Writing *Smile*
73 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/smeedyer/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3