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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
OVERALL: This is an interesting and well-written piece. I personally didn't care a lot for it. I think I prefer dark humor for adults and lighter stuff in children's stories. That's just my preference and shouldn't reflect on the writing.

WHAT I LIKED BEST: I really liked the little boy vision of "Mommy Power" and uprooting the stop sign.

WHAT I LIKED LEAST: As stated above, I really thought parts of it were too black for most children and yet the writing level is obviously for a young readership. Again, that's just personal preference and a single opinion.

CONCLUSION: This is good writing. The word choices are age appropriate. The imagery is excellent. I wouldn't let my grandchildren read it because of the content. Definitely held my interest. Write on.
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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.5)
OVERALL: An excellent bit of philosophy told in the manner of a folk-tale. This again is a well written and polished piece.

WHAT I LIKED BEST: I liked the underlying and subtle sense of humor throughout what is otherwise a serious piece.

WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Nothing. This piece is as near perfect as can be. I didn't give it a 5 because it didn't make me cry or laugh out loud but it's not that type of piece.

CONCLUSION: A thoroughly enjoyable read with an underlying life lesson. Great work. Write on.
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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
OVERALL: Let's see. Did you miss any of my pet peeves? Uh...Nope. Very funny article.

WHAT I LIKED BEST: Your sarcasm was right on target throughout. Good job.

WHAT I LIKED LEAST: To truly qualify as ranting, you'd have to expand this another 2000 to 8000 words. Come on. I know you can do it.

CONCLUSION: This piece is chock full of stuff which really needs to be said. For that reason, it will probably be difficult to find a publisher. I'd try some of the religious magazines. Another great job. Another well polished piece. Write On.
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Review of The Perfect Sport  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Since I really enjoyed your Ft Bowie article, I decided to do a Port Raid. I'm glad I did.

OVERALL: This is a very funny story. The author does a good job of drawing the reader in right from the start. Good action and funny outlook.

WHAT I LIKED BEST: The line about why the skier's boyfriend didn't whup your butt is really funny. The entire story is so true to life I think everyone can relate to at least part of it.

WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Come on. Give. I've got to hear the rifle story.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: In the bicycle segment you wrote "breaks" should be brakes.

CONCLUSION: Another excellent story. With the single correction noted above this one, too, is ready for submission. There's always a market for good humor. Write On.
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Review of FORT BOWIE  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.5)
OVERALL: I really enjoyed this piece. You did a very good job of drawing the reader into the piece and being both informative and entertaining throughout.

WHAT I LIKED BEST: I really liked what you did with the thunder and the raven's cry in your opening. Good imagery.

WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Had nothing to do with your writing. I made the hike into Bowie in late July of 1972, not the best time for a Bowie visit but the ranger was really glad to see me. At that time, several of the buildings still existed intact including the old officer's quarters. Also, there were some walls and ruins of Tom Jefford's old Butterfield Stage station just a short distance away. I'm really saddened to hear that so much of our heritage has been lost in such a short time.

A PERSONAL NOTE: On my trip into Bowie, I encountered an old rancher repairing his fence line on the dirt road near the springs. After we talked for a while, he offered me a job riding for his Fall round-up. Because I was in the military (stationed at Ft Huachuca) at the time, I had to decline. That missed opportunity has been a life-long regret.

CONCLUSION: This well crafted and polished piece is ready for submission. I look forward to seeing it in Arizona Highways soon. Write On.
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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.5)
OVERALL: This is a wonderful story of true love and devotion. Both my stepmother and a mother-in-law were Alzheimer's victims so I know first hand how hard it is to care for a loved one who is ill.

WHAT I LIKED BEST: The compassionate and understanding treatment you give to a situation I pray no one will ever have to face...yet so many do.

WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Only that this story is still repeating itself daily across this great land.

I would suggest two tiny changes:

"...he was forced to talked to..." should read talk.

"...without rest had taken its toll." should read "...taken their toll."

CONCLUSION: A very well-written story which really hits home. This piece is polished and, with the two changes noted above, should be submitted for publication. Write On!
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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good writing and obviously heartfelt.

One tiny error detected in line 3 of first stanza.
You write "that, 'that...'" You only need one of them.

Suggestion: In line 2 of 8th stanza you write:
"...warnings that he was not to pass"
Might read better as:
"...warnings that he would not pass"

Conclusion: Well written, emotional and polished piece. Too bad we seldom learn from our history. Today another "Custer" send his young men to die for political ambition and at the same time quietly sells the Paha Sapa for greed. Keep this flame of your passion burning and Write On.
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Review of Bits of Irony  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.5)
You gave a very kind review of my writing, so I thought I'd return the favor.

Having an unschooled prose writer, such as myself, review poetry is something akin to having a rodeo cowboy comment on your evening wear: "I don't know, ma'am, but you look good in it."

I've never understood free verse or other modern forms of poetry, but I really liked this. I reads like a short story, but with rhyme and meter added.

All three pieces painted vivid pictures for me and that's what I look for in a short story. They also captured and held my interest, something else I look for. So, I reckon, "you look good in it."

I found no spelling, grammar or punctuation errors. These are polished pieces that I believe are ready for submission. Write On.
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Review of Beginning To End  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
DISCLAIMER: The following observations, opinions and suggestions are strictly my own and are simply observations, opinions and suggestions. I, in no way, wish to rewrite your story my way. It’s your story and what you do with it is entirely up to you. That being said, I hope you find the following helpful.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a nice tribute to your grandfather. More, it comes from the heart. Any time you bare your soul and put your true feelings on paper, you are taking that first step to great writing. It takes a lot of courage to write what you feel. It takes even more courage to share it. Congratulations! It’s a sad thing when someone passes. It’s even more tragic when those who are left find a note, an unsent letter or a journal, and after reading it, say, “I never knew (he/she) felt that way.” Good job.

VOICE: For most of this piece your sentences tended to be rather long and a little awkward. That changed dramatically in the last two paragraphs. I felt like it wasn’t until then that I was hearing your real voice. Write like you talk. It comes across more natural. When you run a sentence to more than two lines, the reader often has to stop and reread it asking, “What is she saying here”?

I would rewrite the second sentence in this piece or delete the word “away”. You are writing a story, not a poem, and the rhyme and meter of this sentence is distracting. You don’t really talk that way, do you?

“…driving down 231 highway,…” Try “…Highway 231…” the number first identification is a regional dialect which isn’t part of your story. It’s a good thing to use in dialog to identify a speaker or region but is difficult or distracting for most people. The folks here in East Tennessee also use the number first, but unless I am having one of them speak, I wouldn’t write it that way.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR & PUNCTUATION: OK. Here we’re getting into the nuts and bolts. It may seem petty, but you’ll want to put this kind of polish on a piece before you consider submitting it. Here goes.

“…with the trailer dragging behind(period) (I)t’s filled…”

“…apples and crates(period) (A) satisfied look (omit “that”) rest(s)…”

“As I step out…” Try replacing “As” with “When”. The previous sentence started with “As” and you don’t want too much repetition.

“And as I look…you had passed on.” It’s really hard to draw a deep enough breath to speak a 68 word sentence. Try rewriting this to say the same things in two or three sentences. Keep in mind the subtle difference between the pause in speaking indicated by a comma and the slightly longer pause between sentences which end a thought. You can write this better. I saw it in the last two paragraphs of your story.

“…something so small and (so) greatly needed for life could(comma) in no time at all(comma)…”

“…couldn’t help for leaving…” Delete “for”. This sentence reads much clearer without it.

“It is still sad(comma)”

“…hurt as much now(period) (F)or you…”

“…and pain be no more.” Improper English. Try changing “be” to “is”.

“…your oldest Son got…” Try this. “…your oldest son(comma) got…”

“…one foggy night he split up with a girlfriend there were…” Try “…one foggy night(period) (H)e split up with a girlfriend(period) (T)here were…”

“…over on it’s back…” Leave out the apostrophe when “its” is possessive

“…he got to the branch.” Is this another case of local dialect “branch=creek” or is there a “fork” in the driveway? Again, “branch” is excellent for regional dialect in writing dialog, but without setting that background, your meaning is obscure.

“…my dad(comma) the man that held me dear to his heart(comma) was crying(period)(omit “for”) (T)he tears…”

“And even though despite…” Try “Even despite…”

“…you and grandma…” Grandma should be capitalized when used as a proper noun.

“Then the next…always looked down upon.” Consider rewriting this paragraph entirely. Capitalize Grandma and Dad. When they say no, it needs to be in quotes. Try to shorten your sentences and make your meaning clearer, eg “But the fact…affected by the event” This sentence leaves me wondering what affected what. Was it Dad’s intoxication or the grandparents’ emotion?

“…this description is the little… Try “…this description is (of) the little…”

“mirror to “Primp” is what grandma…” “mirror to “primp”(period) (That) is what (G)randma…”

Try not to start sentences with “And” or “But”. These subconsciously tell your reader to stop and reread the previous. Keep drawing them ahead in your story by omitting these words if you can.

“…your school work then spending…” “your school work(comma) th(a)n spending…”

“…personal appearance it did…” “…personal appearance(comma) it did…”

“…both of you I was…” “…both of you(comma) I was…”

“Although, now…” Omit “Although” and your sentence will be clearer

“…changed it for nothing…” Try “anything”

“…old and new fresh and artificial…” You need a sentence break after “new”.

“…north of granddaddy…” Capitalize proper nouns (Granddaddy).

“To sit here and chat about…here with you, when…” Try (Sitting here and chatting) Start a new sentence with “When the sun…”

“I am not sad, how can I be?” “I am not sad(period) (H)ow can I be?”

“…being here, you are the one…” “…being here(period) (Y)ou are…”

“…and tears, what’s all…” You need a sentence break after “tears”.

CONCLUSION: This is a very emotional and heartfelt tribute to your grandfather. Your descriptions of both the surroundings and your feelings are very good. Like my essay “I Will Always Remember”, it is not a commercial piece although yours could be incorporated into a larger story about the author. The real value of this piece is in the writing and the remembering and, hopefully, in allowing future generations to catch a glimpse of those who have gone before. I hope to see more of your work in the future.
Write On!
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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (3.0)
You ask if it’s good or not, so here goes. I like the idea for the story.

DISCLAIMER: The following observations, opinions and suggestions are strictly my own and are simply observations, opinions and suggestions. I, in no way, wish to rewrite your story my way. It’s your story and what you do with it is entirely up to you. That being said, I hope you fine the following helpful.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: You grab my attention right away and have me asking questions. Why are there no people on the street? You do a good job of building tension and maintaining interest throughout the body of the story. The ending, from the time the figure comes through the window, seemed to be another writer or possibly a rush job.

VOICE, TENSE, ETC: This is an area I have a lot of difficulty with myself, but it’s really important.

Alexandra Harlem… Nothing really wrong with this, but is the last name really necessary? She’s going to be dead in half a page. Just a first name keeps it more personal and intimate and helps draw the reader into your character. Unless you’re setting up a book where a relative or old school friend avenges her, you probably don’t need it.

…even this late at night, but that night there was… I found these words distracting in the same sentence. Try “…even late at night(period) Tonight(comma) there was…


Her heart was beating, I hope so, or your story is over. Also, this is Passive Voice. Stories are built on action. Try pounded (instead of was pounding), or hammered, or…

…ribs were aching…was running out… Passive voice again. You need to rephrase like you did in the next sentence when “she reached the door, she realized... (good job)

She fumbled in her purse and knew she was finished. When I know I’m finished, I don’t continue to fumble with the door. I’m going to turn and face my attacker. How about you? Haver her look for him, even if it’s just a glance over her shoulder to see if she has time. Think about what you would do.

Once the door was open she ran… Passive voice again. The door wasn’t open. She opened it, and then ran…

It was as if someone was climbing it… Give your readers some credit. They got that from the clank. At this point they already assume it’s him on the escape. This distracts the reader by making them wonder why you think you need to explain it.

Then her window busted in The window didn’t do it. Something or someone busted the window. Try “A bullet shattered the window…” or “The window imploded as a piece of brick scattered her CDs.” Or?

OK

This is where you lost me:

The man, who happened to be her ex-husband, jumped in the window and shot Alex.
Take some time to rewrite this section. He didn’t jus happen to be her ex. You need at least a line or two of dialog here. eg:

(A man leapt through the broken window. :”Tom!,” she cried, recognizing her ex-husband. Before she could say more, he was across the room and had a gun to her head.)

Now you need to plan out how he’s going to make it look like a suicide. Show me, don’t tell me. Make him go through the steps of staging the scene and/or planting false evidence. Was he wearing gloves or did he wipe his prints? How will he account for the broken window? You stated that she lives in an apartment. Did he use a silencer? How did he make his getaway? You have to tie up all these loose ends in your conclusion. More than that, what part of the evidence did one cop believe and the other not? He doesn’t have to tell his partner, but YOU have to tell your reader.

He shot her in an apartment building and the cops didn’t come until the next day? When they come isn’t important to the story, but your believability is. Give ‘em a break with a realistic response time. By the way, why did they respond? Did someone hear the shot and call it in? Did someone notice the broken window? Did her boss contact someone when she didn’t show for work?

It’s ok to leave us wondering if the cops follow-up on it or just write it up as a suicide, but these other questions have to be answered.

Her session for it was ended in… Passive voice. Omit “was”

SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION:

As she continued down the road she occasionally… down the road(comma) she

She turned around but every time she did no one… She turned around(comma) but every time she did(comma) no one…

He dove behind the garbage can but did it… …the garbage can(comma) but…

Searching her pocket for her phone she realized… …pocket for her phone(comma) she…

Catching her breath on the bed she heard… …breath on the bed(comma) she heard

…between her and her councilor(an attorney) …and her counselor(a therapist)

“Look you judge it by its cover, but it’s not what happened.” The officer said, and then walked out of the room. “Look(comma) you judge it by its cover, but it’s not what happened(comma)” (the) officer said(comma) and then walked out of the room.

CONCLUSIONS: I really like the way you grab the reader and pull them into the story. Even better, you constantly build tension and suspense through the first five and a half paragraphs. From there on, you need a good rewrite.

You may find that you have to go back and change some things earlier in the story to make your conclusion work. That’s ok. eg: She may need to live in a house instead of an apartment to give him the opportunity to stage the scene and get away.

This story is definitely worth working on. As I said earlier, it seemed almost like two different writers. You were an easy 4 or maybe even better until the bedroom scene. Put all that talent into your conclusion as well.

Let me know if you rewrite it and I’ll be happy to take another look. Write On.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The playground  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very good story. It’s sad but true that similar scenes play out every day in our cities.

DISCLAIMER: My impressions and/or suggestions are simply that. It is your story. It is not my intent to impose my style but only to offer hopefully, helpful and honest feedback. It is your choice to do with it what you will.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: You paint a vivid picture of the ugliness of drugs and of the damage they do to our society. You pulled me in with your very first sentence. Some unnecessary words or over long sentences were a little distracting as was the switching from present tense to past.

POINT OF VIEW: Here’s where we start with suggestions. I felt that the story would have been better told through the eyes of the child. You took a more God-like point of view, possibly to make observations about the thoughts and motivations of the junkie. The result seemed to be more of a narration than a series of scenes and left some questions unanswered. Some of them were, who is the boy? Why was he there? Why not with the other children? You might try this instead: “…the muddy puddles.” (Tommy was late. Mom would be mad. He hurried across the playground.) “Walking over a section of grass, (HE COULD) feel the pleasurable crunch underneath (HIS) shoes… By using Third Person and the boy’s Point of View you can still tell the reader things that the boy might not know, like the contents of the syringe. This will also give you the ability to explain his thought process and why he didn’t scream or panic or poke at the man. With a little effort, you could have the boy happen by the following morning after the body is discovered and observe virtually the same things you narrate except for your conclusions which are too sophisticated for a child. Those could easily be handled with dialogue, maybe between the cops on the scene or the ambulance attendants. It reads almost like dialogue anyway.

SENSORY INPUT: The more senses you involve in your writing, the more connected your reader is going to be. You have a perfect opportunity right in the middle of this story. How does a passed-out junkie smell? What sounds can the boy hear? The other children? A squeaky swing or gate? Give your character that much life. Let me feel it.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION:

Double space between paragraphs. Your indents don’t stay when you paste the story in.

Darkness falls at a faster rate now, and a crisp blanket spreads across… Present tense try (fell) and (spread)

Small children can be seen… Present tense again

…in the cold atmosphere(period) (M)imicking smokers…

And who could blame them? Don’t start a sentence with “and”. Just delete it. Exception: Sometimes effective in dialogue if a speaker is fond of that little quirk, it helps to distinguish them from your other speakers.

There was a council built playhouse of course, … …a council(hyphen)built playhouse(comma) of course, Try to rework this paragraph into more than one sentence. The longer your sentences, the more likely you are to lose a reader who has to go back and reread it for clarity. The words are good, but put some breaks into them.

It was a child… Again, I think this would be better from the child’s point of view. eg: (NAME) found him there, unconscious…

If you looked closely you could… Have your character look instead of the reader.

The young child(period) Perhaps isn’t necessary if you are telling it from the child’s perspective. He HAD seen it before.

But he looked past “But” is another word it’s better not to start a sentence with. You don’t need it.

…to where the course brown… coarse

…past his elbow, and a Try this: …past his elbow. A long thin…

The position of the needle was vulgar and horrifying, all of its weight… ...horrifying(period) All of…

The man had supposedly planned omit “supposedly” unless you explain who is supposing.

But judging by the empty… Again, you don’t need “but”, just omit it.

The child didn’t scream. “The child” draws me out of the character and back into my own head hearing you tell the story. “He” keeps me observing the story through the character’s eyes.

Nor did he run away. He…left. He walked away. Nice tight writing. No excess description or unnecessary words. Very nice.

He hadn’t tried to wake…. Passive Voice. I do this all the time and need to break the habit. We need to write in Active Voice. Try “He didn’t try…” instead.

…poke him with a stick, he left him there… …poke him with a stick(period) (H)e left him there…

The child walked home… (Name) walked home…

And so they didn’t find… They didn’t find

This time the scene…This time the needle…This time the man’s feet This time(comma) the… Again, I would rather have the child observing this scene.

…the metal railing and his eyes …metal railing(comma) and his…

…eyes were fixed half open and empty, … …fixed, half(hyphen)open and empty,…

You really don’t need “This man was dead.” You already told me that with the “fixed half open and empty” eyes.

Again, I personally think the remainder should be shown in dialogue, but it’s your story.

CONCLUSIONS: I enjoyed this piece. It points a clear finger at the blight on our inner cities. It chides us for not creating places for our children to be cared for and supervised. It accuses us of allowing our neighbors to fall unseen and uncared for in our very midst.

A century and a half ago, a young woman took a look at the evils around her and chose to write about them. Her book, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, rocked the nation and brought our national guilt into clear focus, helping to end that shamefully “peculiar institution”.

We need writers like you with the vision and courage to point a shameful finger at us today. WRITE ON!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of A Precious Gift  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Glad I dropped in to check the competition. This is a really good piece. It got to me.

You do a good job of setting it up and introducing your characters right away. The sibling rivalry worked well.

You also set the tone of the story very early on. In one simple sentence, "I grew up afraid of my older sister.", you set the tone and introduce both characters.

Your first paragraph tells us all we need to know to understand your character and her conflicted emotions. You do it well without any of the sappiness often found in explaining emotional settings.

After that you launch right into telling your story in scenes and not expositions. The story almost seems to tell itself with one scene running seamlessly into another while maintaining the tension and building the tragedy.

I liked the way you used dialog to show that, underneath the fear and rivalry, these two sisters still love each other deeply.

I found one small spelling error which you'll want to fix in future revision: "...dooming my sister to a life of disossiative personality disorder." Should be dissociative personality disorder.

Excellent writing. I can't help wondering how much of it is true. In any case, I really enjoyed it. Write On.
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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Excellent writing. It's a great story with a really important lesson for all of us. I hope you'll keep this one Featured during the upcoming holiday season.

Your writing has a natural almost conversational style which I find really appealing.

Good Job. Write On.
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Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like it. Your descriptions are vivid and give insight into your character. It leave me wondering why she has so few possessions. A recent divorce perhaps? What was the mysterious sound? I want to read on and find out...

I was a little put off by the opening line. Kira knew it the minute she saw it! I thought it a little trite.
I would have preferred something like her driving down the lane expecting another in the long serious of average to awful houses and her surprise and wonder when she sees this one, but...its your story.
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Review of Semper Fi  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great insight. Very emotional. It truly is sad that so many of our brothers became trapped in that terrible past with no place to scream their agony and no one to tell their inner stories to. It still affects us all and leave a horrible scar on the face of our nation. Well done, brother...and welcome home.

USMC '68-'78
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Review of A Soldier's Pain  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Guncarver, you rock! This needed to be said and you say it well. I hope you find a publisher for it. It is time that America faced the shameful way we treated and still treat our veterans. I fear that even with the current patriotic fervor this mess in Iraq could degenerate into another Vietnam. How then will we treat those coming home? Did we learn anything as a nation?

Welcome home, brother!
USMC, 4/68-3/78
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Review of The Painter  
Review by SmokeyMtn
Rated: E | (4.0)
A fitting tribute to ancient art. I really liked the way you told the story from the perspectives of both the youth and the mature artist. It made me suspect that you are the artist. The descriptions are very vivid. Makes me wish we had something nearly that old near here to appreciate. Of course, nature supplies us with plenty of ancient beauty. Keep writing.
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