I really like this piece. It held me spellbound which is something poetry doesn' t often do to me.
I have a few points
1) Avoiding the shark infested concrete
Maybe I'm just being dense but I don't 'get' the metaphor here. The two children are deliberately skipping close to the edge of the water. At first I thought that the "concrete" must refer to the water being a long way down so that hitting its surface would be like hitting concrete, but as the girl that fell didn't suffer from an impact this can't be the case.
2) You say its a pool, but later you say there was a sign that told him otherwise, which is a rarity with pools but fairly common for natural water forms (lakes, ocean, etc.).
3) If it's a pool then where do the sharks come from? Sharks are ocean creatures. Or are the sharks metaphors for the danger that is the water?
I like the way the reader is left guessing at the end about the thunder. Was it real? A premonition? A metaphor which became real in the boy's perception?
Points 1, 2, 3 are minor ones. Please don't take them as significant or as things other readers would see as problematic. The poem itself is wonderful. The physical & emotional imagery is mostly very clear & the story it tells takes the reader on an gripping adventure.
I particularly liked the lines: Eyelashes touching my brows and cheekbones
which I had to think about for a second or two before it clicked,
and I called her an idiot, because she scared me.
which stirred in me the emotion it described and deepened my reading experience.
Well done. I hpe you get a grade A (or equivalent). You deserve it.
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