Hmmmm... I find this a bit tough to critique. I found the story more disturbing than engaging, due to the whole incest thing. It's hard for me as a reader to connect to the story because of that. But, since that bit of information doesn't show up right away, I can say that the early presentation of the subject at hand does give the reader motivation to keep reading. I wanted to know who her father was and where he was. I found myself disappointed with the answer. It wasn't so much that the father was dead that disappointed me, but more the description of how he died. In fact, the description is actually what I feel could benefit from a lot more showing of the story rather than telling. It would have brought the story alive for me if you had written, "airbags don't always open upon impact. At least that's how it worked out for her father." Give me some indication of what the night was like. Let me feel the confusion, the frustration, the sadness, and the anger of the narrator. I feel like I was just kinda told "oh yeah, he died in a car accident. It was a bad night. He was killed instantly." How about something like, "I never wanted to meet a Cole Reed, but I did. It was the same night as I met my precious Noni. the road was icy. Cole's lips were still perfumed with the sweet stench of his sixth vodka. The bartender had offered to get him a cab. He'd refused. The conversation between noni's father (give him a name to make it easier to visualize him. I'll call him Jack) and I was naively jubilant as we mused on about...blah blah something light and airy here... ...airbags don't always open upon impact. At least that's how it worked out for Jack." The wording is mild, but it gets the point across, and 3 scenes are able to be visualized through only a few sentences. I gave such a lengthy example and sample sentences because the room for improvement that I saw in this portion is also in the rest of the piece. You have the opportunity to make this a dramatic, heart wrenching, reader sucked in type of story. Show me what's happening in the story and I think you'll have a winner. I think you could also maybe not make her father her uncle as well. Just a thought.
This is a great little twist. When I first started reading I wasn't sure which direction the story was going to go. I found myself wanting better imagery. For instance, when her parents speak, it's described as "she would hear her so and so say." It's redundant in a way that doesn't appear to be intentional or to serve any purpose. But luckily, the story moves along effortlessly, and draws you in with the mystery that's presented. There's instant imagery based on other books and movies that share a similar theme. The only critique I have is give us that imagery here, in a new way. First paragraph, last sentence is redundant and can be cut. I think you should totally expand on this! This sounds like a great prologue to a long, interesting, mind bending, and fear inducing story. Don't leave it just at this! If you could present us with more imagery, (describe the girl a little better, take out some of the redundancies and get creative with your words) I would give this a 5. Honestly, I give the word choice for the first half about 1.5 stars, the story, on the other hand, gets 4.5 stars. The missing .5 points because I want it to be longer. I'm a fan.
OK, so I like to review as I go along. I'm at the very beginning, and from the initial scene I'm already imagining all of the antics that are to come. I love the opening sentence. I picture a redheaded guy with a smirk on his face that he merely describes as a smile.
I love the walk to the apartment, the allusion to things that are to come. However, i wanted that portion to be a sentence or two shorter. Just a centimeter or so too long which causes a bit of a drag. I also then want a change of scenery. We're at the apartment complex initially, fine, but then move me somewhere else, as the imagery begins to get stagnant. Can we visit the place you're moving from?
OK, so finished through the rest. I really wanted some more depth in the story. You created images in my mind of wild fun and debauchery, and in the end I was disappointed to only be told about an annoying buzzing sound. The source was never found, and that's all the story was about. I wanted a plot. I wanted fun, I wanted to be taken somewhere. And all I kept thinking about was where is that dang sound coming from. Your beginning is sooooo great, I say you should use it to develop an even bigger story with a plot that takes us on an adventure. :) Thanks for writing.
I love this. It was very clever and funny. I especially loved the part about all the things that you now do since you're an adult. Although, I do recommend adding rutabagas to your garden just so you can have the opportunity to force somebody else to eat them. :)
How can somebody critique the emotions of another? It's just not right! I hate critiquing poetry for this reason. However, I can critique the ability of the reader to perceive the emotions you are trying to describe. I have a sense that the depth of what you're feeling is so much greater than the depth that you're expressing.
Stanza 1:
The summer breeze of freedom flows
from the depths of the winter storm.
Releasing the soul from the haunting
despair of memories past.
everybody knows what a summer breeze is. It's not interesting, it's not exciting, it's every day and mundane, especially in the summer. Everybody knows that breezes flow. A much more interesting play on words would bring this line to life. Maybe have the breeze do something unexpected. Perhaps it could slap you in the face, it could lift you above the foreboding clouds. That would be interesting because a breeze is light, it's airy, it's refreshing. But this breeze is being described as something that's taking you out of your storm. Give it some life.If it's coming from the depths of a storm, what does that storm look like? Describe it. Are there torrential rains? Is the lightning sending frightened children into their mothers arms? What are those past memories? What did they do to you? Did they cause you to walk around with a blank stare? Were you made gaunt with anguish from heavy hail that pelted your leaf thin skin?
Enlightening and enriching the fruits of life,
budding in the glory of love and understanding.
Quenching the fury of the volcano that has burnt
deep into the tapestry of life.
This stanza presents the same problems as the first. I want you to reach with your vocabulary a lot more. Give me some imagery that allows me to feel what you're feeling. Make the storm more menacing, and make this breeze more comforting, more invigorating.
For stanza three I really have the same critique. I want you to pull more and use vocabulary that sucks me into what you're feeling.
Stanza 4:
The embers of entrapment that once destroyed,
thirsting, consuming, burning with a raging fire
deep within my soul, have now been vanquished
by the raging rivers of life and love.
I like the first two lines until you get to "raging fire". Once again, everybody knows that fires rage. Give us something else that rages, or have the fire do something else. Even if it's just describing the blue hot flame shooting embers that ensnare your every limb. "Deep within my soul" give me more! Once again, everybody knows souls have depth. This is a line that doesn't grab you. How about from the depths of your well or something like that. Again, everybody knows that rivers rage. How about an exploding river? I dunno, just give it more umph!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/soonami
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:10am on May 07, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
