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Review of TIME JUMPER  
Review by Silent
Rated: E | (3.0)
Nice job! The overall idea for the story was interesting and you definitely stayed on topic. For such a short length little story it was very nice, however there were a few problems. For starters, many of your sentences were abrupt and lacked the detail needed to make it more readily able to imagine. Writers insert details into stories to help the readers sense the story, I'm sure you already know this. The story could have used a lot more detail into each action as the plot felt very rushed and hard to understand. You jumped from Darian burying his wife to attempt to go back to the future. It's understandable what he did, however adding more detail as to why he thought it would be a good idea and why he did it would have made the whole thing more precise. With this said, you lacked the reasoning behind each characters motivation. Why did his wife kill herself or why might she have been killed? (Even if Darian doesn't know, wouldn't it be expected that his mind would be swimming with thoughts of why she died?) Why did Darian know about the time machine? Had he worked on it? I could go on, however I do believe you'd have gotten the point by now. The story had a good base, I remind you. It just needs more work in details, by adding details and carefully showing how each scene played out your writing will appear more mature, interesting, and impressive. Good job nonetheless! Keep writing! Remember that details produce maturity and stimulate senses, and that patience yields focus.
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Review by Silent
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice story! From the short bit you wrote the characters seemed very interesting. However, you might want to look at your spelling, grammar, and punctuation. For starters,it's better to emphasis a character yelling a question by simply putting "My foster mother screamed" like you did. The question marks followed by exclamation marks aren't really necessary. Also for small sentences such as "I stammered in terror' followed by another small sentence "I could only speak two syllables before she cut me off." You can just put a comma to combine the sentences rather than making them two short and abrupt independent sentences. This would make it flow better so per se, this:
"What did I tell you Anna? Huh!? What did I tell you about using my sink!?!?" My foster mother screamed, I could feel my face becoming warmer and warmer.
Would appear more mature and flow a bit better as this:
"What did I tell you Anna? Huh? What did I tell you about using my sink?" My foster mother screamed, I could feel my face becoming warmer and warmer.
Overall, nice job and keep writing! Hard work and studiousness grants quality, and patience yields focus.
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