The following review is the same review posted on the Romance Novel Board :) Great first chapter!
Plot: Georgia finally has something she's always wanted, a fiancee and an impending wedding--but as she nears the wedding day, she begins to realize she's not happy with the relationship. Attempts to shake up the somewhat predictable life she and her fiancee share are continually redirected by her fiancee.
Setting: Not really described. Since you're trying to show that Georgia is bored and feeling stifled in her relationship, you might want to describe the townhouse as being decorated somewhat blandly? It will add a layer and give the reader an idea of what they should be visualizing.
Characterization: You do an excellent job of showing us the type of people Matt and Georgia are without ever having to come out and tell us who they are. Personally, I can't really identify with Georgia right now, but the fac that she seems to be a deep character on the verge of change makes me interested and want to keep reading.
Grammar:
She’d been driving her well-traveled path from job in the city to Sycamore Grove her home in the suburbs when she posed the question, really, to herself. This sentence is a bit long and awkward. A comma after Grove and then again after suburbs might ease some of the confusion.
Is that not what every woman wanted, the security of a permanently bonded union and children? Since she's posing this question in her head, it seems a bit stuffy. Why not just say Isn't that what every woman wanted... It would flow a little better and sound more like a realistic thought in her head.
Had they done everything right? She felt they were both equally eager for this very solidifying step in the relationship. They’d been together a little over a year when Matthew It takes us a while to find out the other half of the they she's talking about-- naming him earlier makes the pronoun a little clearer.
What was the point of it anyway? The paragraph before this you're talking about their dinner plans--but I think the "it" is pertaining to marraige in this paragraph, may want to make that clearer.
The paragraph that starts with When she got home, she got directly in the shower pulling her hair in a pony tail letting the hot water ease the tense feeling out of her body is overwhelming with all the "she's"-- especially the one's starting every sentence. I'd actually completely forgotten her name, so a refresher here would be nice.
Just My Opinion:
I like how the question to start the novel really acts as an attention grabber.
The realization of what she just asked to the warm breeze passing through her open car windows, the groundhog near the road she’d been absently watching, or her empty passenger seat, stunned her so sharply that she pulled to the side of the road and stopped. Why does the groundhog stun her unless its in the middle of the road? And, it's a bit confusing why the empty passenger seat would stun her, unless that will be something she adresses later.
the ring felt more like damnation than a reprieve. Love this line--it really gives us an idea of the weight she's feeling about the engagement transposed with what she should be feeling.
There she would go and wait. Matt always showed up twenty minutes after her arrival. It was Thursday night and they had plans with friends; a married couple from Matt’s job. She looked at her watch. Ten after five, she was running late. She needed to get home and change; they were going out for dinner and drinks, the same as they did every Thursday night. This paragraph is a little redundant--why not just say right away it's a habitual plan and they were having dinner and drinks rather than drawing it out into another sentence. Either way, I love the feeling it gives the reader-- the planned, redundancy of their life almost boring-ness of it. :)
That was one thing she liked about Matt, she knew he was hopelessly devoted to her happiness, at least if it didn’t interfere with his own interests. Why would that be a positive asset? Wouldn't it be something better to like if he wanted her to be happy DESPITE his own interests. And then Matt never rolls up the window.
Her uncle owned the same car years ago. It wasn’t the exact same car but the same year, same model, same bumblebee stripe. Her mind flooded with images of her youth, her uncle drove the same ‘68 Camaro You mention her uncle owned the same car--but not the same car--her uncle and the actual model this time. Why not combine this into one or two sentences and the reader gets the same idea.
“Trina, are you all right?” Marie Kampton, Trina's mother-in-law to be, asked. Kind of nit-picky, but you give us her mother-in-law-to-be's last name, but not hers.
“Should I ask her if she wants to go home? I don't know either.” Karri moved to Trina’s side, touching the taller woman’s shoulder I think it would sound more realistic if she said "I don't know either. Should I..."
Dark green eyes framed by thick, black lashes turned to search the face of her friend. “That apparent, huh?”
“I don’t know what the problem is, dear, but if you don’t want to look for a dress today, we’ll go another day,” Marie replied as she searched the clouded blue eyes. I got the impression that both of these sentences were describing Trina's eyes, but they're different colors.
“Oh, there you are, Trina. I thought you’d be at the motel to welcome us,” Trina’s mother, Marsha Mays, trilled. Again, her full name, still not Trina's. Then a few sentences later you mention Trina's father, but no name until afterwards. Also, since you introduce Marsha's last name, it's unnecessary to tell us John's, we assume it's the same.
Noticing that Karri and Tammy worked at a counter to one side of the kitchen area, Marie strode to the couple, her lips pressed together. I don't quite understand the sentence... maybe were working would make it clearer.
A very interesting story that shows that family isn't always about blood relations. A very beautiful ending. Good job!
The stranger who had ridden into town was lean and good-looking. But black embossed leather boots, clinking with spurs drew her attention from his body.
First, this could be one sentence. Second, it's a rather abrupt beginning. I mean, all the sudden we're getting this characters thoughts without even knowing who the character is. We can guess that she's a woman in the first sentence, but there's also the possibility this could be an omnicient narrator. Try something to ease us into this character. If it's from her POV give us something about her before telling us about him.
“I ain’t a gent, and you ain’t no lady.”
Rather Gone With the Wind-ish. Couldn't he just respond that he wasn't a gent? Can she blame him when she's carrying a six-shooter and wearing trousers?
“Darn, you messed up my best hat," she cried out, angrier than a raccoon being held by the tail.
Unless this reflects Bet's thoughts, it seems rather inappropriate for the omnicient narrator to use this kind of colloquialism.
I'm having trouble liking either of these characters in the beginning. What should make me interested in their story?
The colloquialisms are rather distracting. Should be kept to a minimum unless in dialogue.
Bet leveled a hard kick at his shin, but the stranger pulled her closer with his one arm wrapped around her like she was an old Indian blanket he held fast in his grip
This one doesn't make sense to me at all.
Bet got back her six-shooter a little later, but not before she'd traded a kiss for it -- one that took away all her arguments and the defiance in her eyes.
Wouldn't this be the dramatic, climactic moment? Why do you skip over it?
And why would Bet fall for this guy? I guess what you're really lacking is character motivation and development. Why does Bet change? What makes her fall for the guy? What does Brett see in her? And why wasn't there a gunfight? Charlie backed down? Brett backed down? Why?
You've got a great idea here and a wonderful grasp on dialogue. It's hard to write in a dialect and have it work, but it did for you in this piece. Grammatically and technically you've pretty much got it all put togetger. Try to delve a little more into your characters though. Give us at least a hint at what makes them tick.
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