This was an interesting, intriguing essay on finding one's muse. I thought your approach to helping a writer avoid the dreaded block was a novel and useful one.
I like how you began with asking the reader to describe her muse and then follow with a description of your own. That lent a wonderful intimacy to the piece, as though we were having a conversation around cups of tea.
You led me so smoothly into seeing the potential for my muse's growth by reading and reviewing the growth of others' muses. It is difficult to remain objective when reading something that touches you and you gave me permission to use that subjectivity.
My only remark for change is the in the final line. Change "find" to finding or alter it to read, to find. Thank you for a wonderful post, Prosperous Snow. I appreciate the insight you've lent all of us.
I love this contest. I think you do an excellent job describing what is about, what you're judging on, and the rules. I always think your prompt is interesting.
I notice though, that while you offer great prizes they don't tend to get awarded because of a lack of entries. Instead of making this a timed contest, why don't you change it into one that doesn't close until you get the specified number of entrants? At least until it builds more a fan base. Otherwise it seems somewhat unfair to those who really try to fill your requirements only to see their effort fall by the wayside.
Thanks for offering this contest though. I want to see it succeed because I do feel it's interesting and well thought out. Here's some gps for your efforts.
This is an interesting poem and I think you had some great lines. The image of a woman in a cage, like at the zoo, is wonderfully evocative.
I thought you carried that image well throughout the poem. She was trapped and human contact was the simple key yet no one stopped to speak to her, to look her into her eyes. So sad and poignant.
I think this poem could have been stronger and even more effective if it flowed smoother. It's line lengths and stops are a bit too jarring for the emotion of loneliness. Perhaps shorter lines, less verbiage to imply the lone factor of loneliness.
"I sit in a cage
People walk by
They see me
but they walk by"
Does that seem better?
When you choose to use more straight forward, plain language, sometimes it's more advisable to get that vibrancy through other means. Line length, syllabic repetition, and other techniques can help to effect (not affect) the power of the idea, the vitality of the feeling.
I hope I've helped, but if I've gotten lost, well that's just me. I did enjoy this poem. Keep writing; I'll keep reading.
I love the sentiment behind this poem. The images your evoked were just the right touch of fancy for children: a dog with a hat and tie, a gold stick, and diamond rings dancing is easily pictured. Well done.
While I applaud the sentiment, I feel that the wording is very awkward and needs a lot of work. I think the problem, for me, is that the ending lines sound forced in order to fit the rhyme scheme.
I don't see this being too much of a problem for you though. You have demonstrated your talent at poetry in so many of your other poems that I am certain you can revise this one and raise its ratings.
Good luck with this and with your other endeavors. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
You're poem left me empathizing with the girl. I could see her standing, alone with her tears, in her bedroom at the end because the ending is so strong with its evocation of loss.
I felt that it would have been better to see that vitality earlier as well though. I think it was a lack of rhythm and imagery that made me feel this way. (Of course this is just my humble opinion.)
I'm not suggesting you introduce a rhyme scheme or anything like that, but perhaps more of flow using comparable syllable counts, sentence structure, and/or verse structure.
I thought the verses seemed too chaotic instead of despondent, especially with their varying lengths. The verse lengths--4 lines, 5 lines, 4 lines, 3 lines, 8 lines, 3 lines, 1 line, 6 lines--detracted from the flow of the words.
I liked the words you used though and that's more important than verse structure anyday. Like I said earlier, I empathized with the narrator and the words helped me to feel her pain. I believe how a poem leaves you feeling is tantamount to all other concerns in poetry.
So keep on writing, Kate; I'll keep reading.
This poem was reviewed for the Port Raiders Contest.
I like this poem a great deal. I especially like the line breaks you chose. I feel they helped to emphasize a certain thought or reflection.
At times though, I felt the writing bordered on becoming too intellectual for such a spiritual topic. I think this was mainly, for me anyway, toward the beginning, perhaps in the second verse. Or maybe it's sprinkled throughout, a line here, a comment there.
Overall this was a wonderfully vibrant poem, a testament to your belief, and a great starting point for someone to consider when examining their own spirituality. I think it will touch a lot of readers.
Thanks for posting, Grace. Keep writing; I'll keep reading. I'm glad I got the chance to pay back the kindness you did me by reviewing your poem.
I liked this chapter as much as the first. I especially liked how you enticed me to read more, but, unfortunately for me, I have to wait. (Yes, I'm one of those people who gobble up a good book.)
You did a wonderful job making me care about poor Rebecca. I liked how you used the old-fashioned, formal version for the young girl and the nickname Becky for her grandmother. It's a small, but neat twist.
My only concern with this chapter is more of a wish. I think it would have been great to introduce some family conflict of Melissa's that could echo or parallel Rebecca's. Do you create such a sub-plot in later chapters?
At any event, I do think you ought to show more of her family and how she views her place within it. As a woman, I like the loving feel of them, but as a reader, I'd like more conflict.
Thanks for a great reading experience, Arakun. I'll have to check back for more chapters next month.
This is an interesting beginning. I like your main character, Melissa. Her interactions with the puppy create a likeable, sympathetic person who readers can identify with, and her dialogue--self-directed and with the farmer--expand on this characterization. The plot, so far, is engaging and kept me reading.
I did feel the atmosphere could have been improved upon. On my first read, I felt her reactions didn't allow me to feel her fear. I would have liked to see her worry as well as her disgust when the car first begins to slide in the mud. Then, a build-up as first, her cell phone doesn't help, and second, the house's strange appearance and feeling. Finally, when the girl appears to her, and then disappears, I'd have liked to have seen more terror.
I've also read the second chapter and will review that as well. I really like this story. It's premise may not be original, but I like reading your treatment of it.
Wow! Oh, hello, Midnight Metaller. I've never given anyone's work a 5 star rating before, but I think this merits one. This was so good. I loved how you used your imagery and words to support your title. I felt the narrator was doomed to dwell in his dreams, either physically or mentally. Great sense of poignancy and anticipation. Keep writing; I'll have to keep reading.
This was a good story, but in my humble opinion, it needed more. I'll get to that. Let's start at the beginning.
I did and didn't like the beginning. I didn't like the first sentence. The wording, to me, was too formal and awkward. It also seemed to be a caricature of a vampire in his formal attire. I think it's important to establish voice right away in a short story, and since this is the voice of the vampire, it characterizes him. My suggestion is try to think of him as any other character; don't immediately jump to a cliche. (Or is that what I'm doing? It may well be. As I said, this is my humble opinion )
I liked how you gave the reader a sense of the conflict of the vampire all in just two sentences. That is excellent. This is a unique and fresh approach to the vampire mythology and I really enjoyed it. His apparent distress is what made me read on, a nice hook.
I found I wanted to know about the event when he killed his father, the more so since it was his first murder. That seems to me to be an important event that you could expand upon and make this story really effective.
I'm afraid I didn't understand why you elaborated on the aperture image. Nowhere else throughout the story do you return to that image. I'd either carry it through or delete that paragraph. It's a good idea, a good symbol of how the vampire regards the soul. I hope you carry it out.
I also wouldn't capitalize "bug." It seemed too flippant a word to describe such a horrorifying disease. Perhaps, the Virus? I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's just my concern.
As for Jason and Merle, my biggest question was, If 'Since they had fled their rural community, they had known no respite from terror,' then why did they leave? I realize that's not what you meant, but is how you worded it. Just be aware of those instances of unintended humor. We all make them. It's no big deal.
I loved your ending. You contrasted the unnamed vampire's slow (seemingly) decision not to kill anymore with Jason's unthinking (seemingly) but loving suicide. Great. Very well done. I think that's why I thought this was a good story. The ending plus the concept really grabbed me. I think to make this a great story, you just need to expand it a little.
Best of Luck, Kotaro. I hope you realize I only want to help. If any of my suggestions or comments have upset you, I'm truly sorry. Regard this as you would any reader's opinions.
This piece is well written. You describe great support for your opinions. (I put Hendrix's "Machine Gun" in my cassette player right after reading--I wish I had the cd.)
I only have two minor criticisms. First, you've only described why these peeps are guitar gods. You've got to give facts too, to make this more solid. Record sale numbers, concert attendees, etc.
Finally, watch your sentence structure.
>so sly they slung a wide grin from one side of my face clear off the other
This is clumsy and so detracts from the moment.
Other than those two comments, I thought this piece rocked. But have you ever listened to Stevie Vai when he hits his stride? And check out Eric Clapton's "Guitarfest" on dvd. It is excellent.
Thanks, Seth. Write on, write on, write on (as the saying goes.)
Turtle
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