Nothing here caught my attention as needing correction -- it reads well, grammar is spot-on and everything makes sense.
"...before she could wonder what he meant he had pushed himself off and plunged upward through the trees, branches whipping around them and stinging Charmian's arms and legs, before bursting out in a shower of reds and yellows, straight up into darkening blue."
I love this description -- very vivid.
You use "quailed" a handful of times in parts before this one. It's starting to become noticeable repetition. Another word for that reaction might call less attention to the phrase.
The developing details of the relationship between Tal Natha and Red Bird are really enjoyable to read. Another excellent part!
As if hearing Tal Natha's warning, the strange singsong moaning suddenly trailed off and an eerie too-silence filled the woods.
"Too-silence" sounds weird. I think you can go with just "silence."
Another great installment with a killer fight scene!
"Charmian? Drake? Charmian! Drake!"
I read this three times, then read the paragraph before it three times, trying to figure out who said this. It becomes clear in the next paragraph, but by then I've already stumbled in the reading. A quick tag on that line of dialogue would help immensely.
"A brother?" She lifted her head from murmuring in the Ocryx's ear to look at Charmian and Drake, then at Tal Natha. "No...he is Tal Natha's half-brother, the same as Tal Natha is mine."
Since you say "she" in the line of dialogue before this one to mean Charmian, this "she" becomes confusing, even though Charmian says Silver Eagle Feather's name.
This part reads very well, suspense is great, the tense and complex relationships that surround X are wonderful. You have a knack for writing nuanced and realistic interactions between characters.
By this part in the story you really seem to have hit your stride. Any awkwardness from the beginning is gone and everything is moving at a good pace. You definitely seem to be more comfortable with your characters on the island than getting to it. Your descriptions of tne GeeBees are very detailed and offer a very clear picture of the creatures.
Technically, this part is excellent. You do use "horrid" again, which still sticks out to me. But that's just personal preference.
"There is actually little to 'clear up,'"
His tail kept him balanced and acted as his "chair."
The quotes for emphasis are distracting because they occur so often. I think Tal Natha's comment works just as well without the single quotes, "There is actually little to clear up." As do some of the other words and phrases that are quoted.
Otherwise, this is a very good piece with an intriguing glimpse at the tender relationship between Tal Natha and Red Bird.
This is a technically and stylistically excellent section. The only small thing that caught my attention was the word "horrid" -- this British-sounding word feels a bit stilted in a story with heavy American influences.
"So, he's got an eye for baubles, does he?"
This feels a little out of character for Charmian. It sounds like an old witch crooning it, not a teen.
Excellent part! There was very little you should change about it.
Silver Eagle Feather's speech sounds clearly different from Charmian and Drake -- and she gives us just enough information to be tantalized about the meeting with Tal Natha.
Charmian's jaw dropped. She rushed forward, pushing her friend out of the way. "You mean...you speak our language?"
"No. I speak only my own." A curious look. "You mean you speak your own tongue, but I can understand you anyway?"
I had to think about this spot (right where they learn they can understand each other) for a while. As a reader, we're guessing from the moment Stick incredulously asks, "You speak my language?" that something magical is going on. The rest of the exchange becomes tedious because we're already in fantasy-mode; ready to believe whatever odd things happen.
It would simplify this exchange if Charmian says, "You mean...you speak English?" And Stick replies with, "No. I speak only my own language," and goes right into "Of course. You must be from the mainland...." He explains the translation abilities in the next reply, so you're not missing anything crucial by shortening the exchange to edit out what we already know.
Charmian echoes the words of Stick-in-the-Mud often enough to become distracting. Maybe she can prompt him another way?
"Before the only thing of "interest" that could be seen was the pretty patterns the leaves made dancing away from the curb."
I don't think you need the quotes on "interest" for emphasis -- especially since you emphasize "good girl" and "trip" in the same way soon after.
"It's best to go in the summer, that way you miss all the damn fudgies!"
Does he mean autumn, since that's the current season? And what's a fudgie? You can't leave us hanging without an explanation!
Drake asks good questions about the mechanism of the inter-reality travel. Things that I was thinking to myself as I read!
You've definitely mastered the art of the cliffhanger.
"So...what do I have to do to wake up?" Charmian joked, deciding to play along.
It's unclear here how she's joking -- it sounds like she's just asking.
"maybe if she figured it out she'd ace her test next Wednesday!"
This doesn't seem to fit in such a serious and startling scene.
Good job with Drake's dialogue -- he sounds very much like the goofy teen he's supposed to be.
"That is a very old photo, from the late 1800's, yet she lived even before that time."
I know what you're trying to say here, but the point seems a little ambiguous. It can be read as if Anne is saying that the woman lived before the photo was taken -- which of course she did. I think you should give more specific information in that sentence to prompt the reaction from Drake and Charmian. Something like, "yet she lived a century before even that date."
"That place is most usually Manitou Island."
This sentence would have a more dramatic sound without the "most".
Your desk at school analogy is helpful in making the idea of multiple realities clear to the reader -- how your specific multiple reality will work.
You do a good job of explaining some complicated, but critical concepts in this part. It will make our understanding of the transition between Mackinac and Manitou more understandable later.
"Perhaps I should let you know all that I do."
Add the word "know" at the end of this sentence. It's repetitive, but makes her comment here clearer.
Excellent mix of dialogue and narrative. You also do a good job of characterizing Charmian's disdain for Drake.
"Charmian scuffed her shoes along the sidewalk, bookbag slung over her shoulder, watching the few fallen leaves scatter out of her path as she made her way to the little store."
Superb descriptive sentence -- I see everything you depict very clearly.
"Charmian rolled her eyes and continued on her way to the store."
I don't think you need to say "to the store" here. You've made it so clear where she's going in the previous paragraphs that this feels a little repetitive. Just end at "on her way."
"Nobody else I know hangs out in antiques stores."
I think most people would say antique stores. Might not be right, but it colloquial and would probably fit Drake's slang better. Charmian says "antiques" as well, but it works with her personality.
I love the flapper story -- it adds detail and dimension to your fictional world.
"The one who lived within had no need of much light."
This reads a little awkwardly -- I stumbled over the "of". Maybe "did not need much light" or even simply changing the "of" to a "for" might make that more readable.
"He was certain most of the natives weren't even aware of all the changes that had taken place on the mainland in all the years they'd been here, "trapped" on the Island; in this place, time didn't have quite the same meaning it did as on the outside, and that could be a problem for both his kind and the natives, and for any outsiders involved."
Pretty long sentence! I think it should end after "on the Island" and the next thought begin a new sentence.
Good part -- as a reader, I'm left curious about the narrator's identity and why this girl holding the photo is important (even though I sort of know already).
This is a fascinating, informative and very personal look at autism. I'm amazed that autism is so common and that it can go for so long without being diagnosed. Thank you for sharing your and your son's experiences with us. I feel like I've touched a tiny tip of the iceberg of this disorder.
This chapter is short, but sweet. The way you structure the conversation makes it very readable. I'm also intrigued by the disembodied voice and Sage wondering about popular fashion.
You do a good job of offering just enough detail to give the reader a picture, while not loading down the story with lots of explanation. It's off to a good start!
I don't know what possessed me to pick up reading from Part 7 instead of starting at the beginning, but I did it anyway. I saw the link and instinctively clicked. Please forgive any errors in the review that stem from my ignorance of previous parts. You should infer that the main elements of your story, character, plot and style, are great because all I could find were tiny nitpicky things to talk about.
Minor note (more of a question because I'm not sure of the correct answer myself):
Shouldn't "Francois's place" be "Francois' place"?
"All was as it had been left the night before"
My mind stumbled on this line. Perhaps my poor brain would stumble less if you used "Everything" instead of "All"?
When you say all, I'm expecting an implied "all of something".
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