Your pigeon holing of homeless people as miscreant bums, shows an immaturity to life. Its the same old story of the whining middle class, singling out the unfortunate while the super rich who enjoy tax breaks and other perks are held in high regard.
Life can take many turns and you my judgemental writer should remember the words 'there but for the grace of God, go I'.
chinese democracy is an oxymoron
Structurally the poem is not consistent both in lines per stanza and per line. it is more a collection of statements without rythmn or rhyme.
Emotionally strong and with good descriptives
Personally the writer may have taken the mother's misery on board, there is the distinct possibility that the father's side of things has been submerged under a sea of bitter emotion. Remember there are three sides to any story, yours, theirs and the truth
Reminds me of the time I met a judge whilst attending a swingers party. He said that he would like to try my wife, I replied, your honour
Seriously though. its a bit lame. In the spa and the best you can do is shamelessly purse your lips. Though you could be talking Sharon Stone style, in which case i digress
on the positive side, imaginative, dark and well written. A bit ho hum and with the predictable obligatory twist. Ramp it up, with your basic tools you can separate yourself from the rest
Your health issues are indeed unfortunate and I wish you well. Personal experiences are hard to rate as they are often written from a position of suffering.
I cannot offer any suggestions
I have offered a rating based upon entertainment value
Cheers jhon
Hi. I too am a novice novelist having just completing my first and having made a start to the second. Our styles are quite different as is the genre.
I think that you need to work towards more economy of words, sometimes less is more. Your descriptives can be overdone. In trying to build a mind picture it is ok to let the reader invent. for example at the end of the first paragraph is it necessary to indicate that the window was, 'to the right'. It seemed like an add on and interrupted the flow.This probably seems like nitpicking but as it is the first paragraph it must be perfect. That can be said for the first three chapters as they are the ones that a potential publisher or customer, will read.
The house, painted in all white, is also awkward. Hairs on the back of her neck and spine, neck would have done. The story has many examples of this superflous style.
I have little idea of what makes a romantic/thriller a hit, so I wont offer any suggestions. You do however have a fine imagination and there are enough twists to keep the reader interested
Hope that this is received well, cheers jhon
"French Socialist". its not particularly French or socialist, more an intellectual monologue that has narrow appeal. Sorry my fellow but I couldnt get through it, I didnt care, wasnt engaged, didnt give a s***, as they say. Like a mad womans custard it was all over the place.
No doubt you have a brain and a half but as far as being entertaining, you missed the bus.
Economy of words, especially in descriptive, will give impact and elevate you above the usual. Example, first paragraph, delete palpably and gently. You may find an improvement. This method can be utilised thoughout your story.
Don't, she cooed, is ordinary.
Pattering rain trickled around them, is concise.
The drama of the moment is weakened by hyperbole
Jhon
Fairport Convention eh. Its late and I'm tired so perhaps thats why I struggled through the weeds and thistle. The flow is a bit disjointed. Leave out 'You're the reason', On the other hand you do make gardening sound exciting
Despite, crying creaking rasping thunderous crashing hushed dying and all those terms of dramatic engagement, this poem doesnt hit my solar plexus. Why, I just cant put my finger on it. Poetry is like that. Perhaps as you wrote it you felt the pain of all victims of conflict so I could be doing you an injustice. It seems though that there is an overuse of verbal gravitas. Sometimes less is more
Your alienalien moniker attracted me. Aliens visit earth for the fishing, it says so in my novel "Chocolate Fish"
I like the style of your storytelling, it moves along at a nice rate and paints colouful mind pictures. Humourous as well
also you didnt mention jesus and there was no fantasy world involved, two big plusses on this site
perhaps break the tale into chapters. It is quite wordy and could be a big ask for those with a short/modern attention span
cheers jhon
Fantastic. Anyone with a mind for knowlege could only be impressed by this essay. It was entertaining and as someone who often does not make it to the end of a story, I was captivated from go to whoa.
"Momma" is the first chapter in a novel I have just started and I thank you for your encouragement.
I can't think of any tips other than to spread the text. It is said that blocks of text on a computer screen can tend to put the reader off.
Cheers, jhon
Well written and imaginative. The happy ending is fairytale stuff. You have taken it to the limit, what with mom coming out of the coma, santas sleigh bells and the added bonus of the miraculous cure. At that stage, dad could have pulled the winning lottery ticket out of his pocket, and it would have not seemed out of place. cheers jhon
Genuinely moved me, written from the heart, your story rekindled memories from my own marriage. We didnt last the distance and recently divorced(22 years)I hope that you continue to write with such a personal touch. Life certainly deals some bad cards
cheers tawnyj
As a father with two broken marriages and with two of my three children not on speaking terms with me, it certainly tugs at the heart. From a writing point of view it is concise and delivers the message clearly. It is stated in a matter of fact style. well done
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