The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi topazblue!
I just read your short story “Grade 8 Science Lab” that I found while browsing your portfolio.
First Impression:
I almost didn’t read it because of the title. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to end well for some poor animal.
What I Liked:
This was a great description of dissecting a frog. You detail your feelings about it, the process of the actual dissection and even how you were supposed to complete your lab assignment.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
I noticed two run on sentences in the first paragraph:
“The mere thought of it had me questioning exactly which direction the cafeteria food was going to take(comma) and I swallowed nervously.”
The second one followed right after: “Susie, my lab partner, had already arrived(comma) and I slid into my seat next to her.”
Just a note: I saw several more run-on sentences as I was reading through.
I loved how you talked about your fears of how well your lunch would set while dissecting frogs. It may be neat, if you ever revise this story, to tie that to the contents of the frog’s stomach.
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
Good job on this story, and what a great ending about it being a bad way for the “froggies” to end.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi Nowness!
I just read your article “The Meaning of Life”, that I found while browsing for non-ficiton works
First Impression:
Confused. I’m confused about the whole meaning of life issue.
What I Liked:
I loved that you tackled such a huge topic. I was certainly intrigues to read such an existential piece.
I loved your analogy of life compared to a dream “that you spent so much energy on.”
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
I’ll admit I’m not the brightest light in the sky, but I have written my fair share of academic papers. If that is the nature of your article, then well done. But from a “general audience” point of view, it was a bit difficult to read. I had to review several sections a couple of times, since I was “wearing my leisure reading glasses.”
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
I am still confused about the whole meaning of life, though I did appreciate your argument on the topic, I still don’t know where I stand. I’m glad you have it figured out. Maybe one day I can say the same ☺ Good job on giving me something meaty to chew on for a while.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi Carolyn!
I just read your article “Web 2.0” that I found while surfing non fiction works
First Impression:
I thought this was a great summary of what technology, specifically social networking, has evolved to.
What I Liked:
I loved how you gave a brief history of how the Web has changed for you over the years. I was able to follow the later part you described since I’m more of the “Web 2.0” generation, but I loved seeing where we came from.
I also loved your last line where you stated this evolution is “making the world a smaller place.” No truer words were ever spoken. This “shrinking world” is one of the things I love most about our advancing communication abilities.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
I didn’t erally see any major grammatical error or mechanical issues. I really loved how you organized your article with a brief history. If this is something you want for a wider audience, you may want to consider defining some of the earlier technologies like the “Bulletin Board Systems,” “LORD,” and “ICQ chat groups.” Just a thought for us older user.
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
I thought this was a great article Carlyon.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi Joy!
I ran across your Concrete Nouns List in the non fiction section.
You List:
I just wanted to thank you for putting together this extensive list. I gave me great ideas for future projects. I’ll save it for future reference and look forward to your updates. Thank you again for creating this list.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi Finn!
I just read “Water-A Beginning”, that I found while browing non-fiction work
First Impression:
POWERFUL. The last word of your piece stuck with me.
What I Liked:
I loved how you depicted all aspect of water and how it affects our lives.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
There were a couple of things I noticed:
First, the very first sentence may need a period after existence.
Second, in your formatting, the word “POWERFUL” would be more “powerful” if it were centered as well.
Third, the title works for a great deal of what water does, it’s beginning you say, but don’t forget about the ending that water brings too. Drowning you mentioned, but it doesn’t really speak of the ending that water can bring (just watch the news today)
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
Great idea, to take a look at the huge importance of water in our lives.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi Rachael101!
I just read your poem “My Choice”, that I found on The Hub
First Impression:
How sad!
What I Liked:
I loved the line about how your biggest fight was within yourself. The line “No-one ever warned me, You'd be the biggest battle of my life,” had a very hopeless feel to me. Like the battle would be too hard to win.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
I didn’t see any major grammar issue. I also did not detect any rhyme pattern to comment on.
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
What a hopeless picture your poem paints. I could certainly feel the pain of the struggle your were writing about.
The counselor in me has to say that if this is truly how you feel most of the time to please try and find some help (it doesn’t have to be that way). Sorry, I got a little off topic, I couldn’t help myself ☺
Good job expressing the biggest battle most of us face.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi Andrew!
I just read your poem “The Temple”, that I found on The Hub
First Impression:
How sad! You made me think of my own life and how in some ways I’m unmoving.
What I Liked:
I love the imagery of the statue goddess beautiful and cold with no more life and adventures left until she falls to ruin. Your brief description had me thinking about how that relates to people to, which added more depth to the poem, I thought.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
The poem flowed nicely until the last two stanza when the rhyme pattern you developed in the first three stanzas disappeared. I didn’t see any major grammar errors or anything else.
The title of “The Temple” didn’t seem to quite fit the poem about a statue (though that’s just to me).
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
What a bittersweet poem. Great job Andrew.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi sawilson!
I just read your poem “The Yellow Rose” while browsing through your portfolio.
First Impression:
What a beautiful tribute to the man you love.
What I Liked:
I loved your description of the life you have with your man. Sweet, still with worries, but with hope for the future. I love how you translated your relationship in the symbol of the yellow rose.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
I didn’t see any glaring grammatical errors. I also didn’t notice any rhyme pattern to comment on, but it still had a nice flow to it.
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
I hope the love you have with your “yellow rose” keeps growing strong over the years to come. What a lovely poem.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi!
I just came across your poem when browsing for poetry
First Impression:
I so want to go back to Ireland after reading your picturesque poem!
What I Liked:
I love the imagery of your poem. Your descriptions of “green hills,” “brogue,” “the River Shannon,” “the Claddagh ring,” and even the castles brought back all those wonderful memories I spent in Ireland. I would even venture to guess that for those who have never been, you poem describes it completely.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
The rhyme and flow of your poem was wonderful. I only say a few things you might want to double check. In the fourth line you have a period between passed and by.
In the 3rd and 4th stanza you mention friendship twice. It came so quick back to back that it sounded a little funny to me. I love the green font color you used. Great touch!
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
Thanks to your poem, I want to go back to Ireland. Can you loan me a thousand dollars or so for the trip? (I think that’s about a billion GPs)
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi lovingly!
I just came across your poem on the "Request Reviews" page
First Impression:
What a beautiful poem!
What I Liked:
I loved the Biblical based theme about our heart’s being where our treasures are. I don’t know the exact verse by heart but I remember the passage of the merchant finding a pearl and finding fortune in a lot, but then the last stanza where you said what those parables meant to you in your own poetic voice. Nicely done.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
I loved the flow of you poem. I also loved the repeated last line in the first two stanzas. Then using similar words you changed them up to make your point. The only thing that stuck out for me, was the “No sacrifice” line. It kind of slowed the flow down to me.
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
I thought this was a very inspiring poem with such a good message.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
The Disclaimer If my modest opinion's
No good to be used,
Just toss it out.
Feel free to be You. Tina B
Hi Saharah!
I just came across your poem on the "Request Reviews" page
First Impression:
I thought this was a lovely tribute to your friend.
What I Liked:
The first line was a great hook for me. You started with the shock you were in at the suddenness of which life can come and go.
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
You had a really nice flow to your poem with you’re a-a-b-b rhyming pattern. I didn’t any grammar errors or other major mechanical issues.
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
I am so sorry for your loss. How blessed your friend was to have lifed a life to inspired someone to write about it in poetry, and what a gift to you to have poetry as one means of expression your own grief and loss.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself.
-The Disclaimer-
I dare to climb and take a peek
At your Idea Garden.
I leave opinions, thoughts and notes
You're welcome to discard it. Tina B
Hi!
I just came across your poem on the Reviews Requested page.
First Impression:
With the title and the first line I thought you were going to talk about a retiring sailor (of which I am one), so I was ready to go! But by the end of the poem, I realized you gave a perfect description of what depression feels like.
What I Liked:
I loved your word choice and the images it brought to mind. To name a few: "sail an aging river," "pain in always hoping," and "and in shadow I know pain."
The "Nitty Gritty" Details:
First, the Title didn't really fit the poem well to me. I was expecting something restful, but "sorrow", "pain" and "freedom lost" doesn't really fit that. The flow was beautiful, but I actually read this out loud and found I was saying "There's" for every "There is" you have.
In the last stanza, I'm not sure if you meant the first to lines to be a plea or a question. I put to the side what I think it means.
If I find the bend in the river,
may hope be waiting there, (I pray hope is there)
or
If I find the bend in the river,
may hope be waiting there? (Will hope be there? Dare I dream?)
And finally a formatting bit. Did you intend to double space the last stanza to set it apart from the rest?
Final Thoughts & Suggestions:
This poem actually brought tears to my eyes. It left me with a feeling of "fearful optimism." A desperate cry, "please, God, let me find hope because I couldn't bear it otherwise." It's incredibly beautiful, and I would love to add this to my port as a favorite with your permission (and once I figure out how, since this would be the first).
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself. I'd also like to lay out the welcome mat to my portfolio. Drop by anytime to read a bit or leave a note in my notebook at: http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/tbesher...
-The Disclaimer-
I dare to climb and take a peek
At your Idea Garden.
I leave opinions, thoughts and notes
You’re welcome to discard it. Tina B
My First Impression
She woman! Hear her roar! What a "woman power" poem!
Rhyme/Flow
Good rhyming pattern, and I thought it had great flow.
What I liked
You had some great imagery in your poem like her devouring "meat with a grimy face." And I even like your description about the rain forest of "Creatures living in shrouded gloom." This brought up pictures of the deep deadly world of the Amazon for me. But mostly, I guess I liked the theme.
Suggestions
The first thing I'd like to tell you is that the last stanza doesn't seem to fit at the end. The poem is all about her, then it shifts to jungle life. A suggestion may be to make it the first stanza. Then you can take advantage of the great jungle imagery to set the scene and explain WHY a warrior is so prized in her society.
The second thing is the words you use to call her a woman: "sporty lady" and "chick." They kind of take away from this powerful woman I think you are trying to portray. Your brief say's she's the pride of her village, but "sporty lady" and "chick" say she's not really.
Finally, and this is really just me, but on one hand your woman is a meat tearing tomboy, but then you say she is deftly dressed and styled. Doesn't seem like that would be important to her in the life and death jungle. But that's just me
Parting Thoughts
I really did love this poem. If you end up tinkering with it, I'd love to read it again.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself. I'd also like to lay out the welcome mat to my portfolio. Drop by anytime to read a bit or leave a note in my notebook at: http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/tbesher...
-The Disclaimer-
I dare to climb and take a peek
At your Idea Garden.
I leave opinions, thoughts and notes
You’re welcome to discard it. Tina B
My First Impression
Oh! She's NOT what I think she is, and she's not doing what I think she's doing!
Rhyme/Flow
I didn't notice a rigid rhyme pattern except for lines 3 and 5, but it had a nice flow to it.
What I liked
I love the surprise twist in the last line. I certainly got the wrong impression of the "girl in the red dress."
Suggestions
It's probably just me, but I didn't under stand "needs must" in line three
Parting Thought
So clever! Your work keeps popping up on the left side of my screen, Jyo, but it's always a pleasure to read.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself. I'd also like to lay out the welcome mat to my portfolio. Drop by anytime to read a bit or leave a note in my notebook athttp://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/tbesher...
The Disclaimer
I dare to climb and take a peek
At your Idea Garden.
I leave opinions, thoughts and notes
You’re welcome to discard it. -Tina B-
My General Impression: I just read your short story about an afternoon siesta and, while browsing, came accross this. It's hard to believe this is the same author I just read! Here's the real kicker! Your description in your story I just read that stuck out was about the vegetable soup the mom was making. It actually made me hungry. Then to read this poem...Yeah, I'm not hungry any more.
Rhyme/Flow: wonderful rhyme pattern and to I love the flow.
Suggestions: None that I can see.
Overall: I LOVE it. I thought it was so creative!
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself. I'd also like to lay out the welcome mat to my portfolio. Drop by anytime to read a bit or leave a note in my notebook athttp://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/tbesher...
The Disclaimer
I dare to climb and take a peek
At your Idea Garden.
I leave opinions, thoughts and notes
You’re welcome to discard it. -Tina B-
My General Impression: That was so funny! I loved the ending, and could just picture the dad trying to go to sleep at night with one eye open. I also loved your bits of humor strung throughout, for example the remote being "aptly named."
The story line: The story was a great picture of a child's curiosity and the lengths he goes to for satisfaction. Your little Ravi reminded me so much of my own 4 year old nephew.
Suggestions: Only two that I could see. First, what is a "pouffe" (that you sat on)? The second is the line “Mom, what’s dying?” I thought little Ravi thought something was dying close by and was creating an awful noise or had a terrible smell. Like walking into a smelly room saying "what died in here?" It took me a minute to get that he was asking about death and dying. Perhaps a simple "Mom, what's dying mean?" would help give it more clarity.
Overall: What an great story. I'm still smiling over it.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself. I'd also like to lay out the welcome mat to my portfolio. Drop by anytime to read a bit or leave a note in my notebook athttp://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/tbesher...
The Disclaimer
I dare to climb and take a peek
At your Idea Garden.
I leave opinions, thoughts and notes
You’re welcome to discard it.
(TRB)
My General Impression: What? Is my computer messed up? This is a mess! Then I remembered your title and realized the format really adds to the nightmare people have made out of, what could be a simple message. I wasn’t sure how to read this: Left to right? Top to bottom? One word at a time? Am I supposed to rearrange the words to form a thought? In the end, I simply took the disjointed words and chaotic format to illustrate the problem with religion. This certainly made me think, and that, to me, is what any group of words should do. I LOVED the question mark at the bottom right!
Rhyme/Flow: No rhyme, no flow for your work. But there’s no rhyme or flow to religion either so it works.
Suggestions: If there is an underlying meaning, or a different way to read this, I didn’t get it. I admit I was looking for instructions on how to navigate my way around.
Overall: Perplexing! Puzzling! Very thought provoking.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a part of yourself. I'd also like to lay out the welcome mat to my portfolio. Drop by anytime to read a bit or leave a note in my notebook at http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/tbesher...
The Disclaimer
I dare to climb and take a peek
At your Idea Garden.
I leave opinions, thoughts and notes
You’re welcome to discard it.
(TRB)
My General Impression: Simple and elegant. In the first stanza I was soaring with the birds, and in the second I felt like I was falling. If a wife ever reads this, it would put a smile on her face. I also thought you did a great job describing the gulls in flight. Very beautiful imagery.
Rhyme/Flow: It really seems to flow to me. I didn't notice a specific rhyme. Free Verse?
Suggestions: I would consider tightening up the formating. The double spacing seemed to spread it out too much detracting from it's brevity. I even had trouble with the last word. Because it was all by itself stuck at the bottom, my mind didn't register that it was part of the poem at all, leaving me confused.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow by opening up a bit of yourself.
I love your 28 for 28 poem. especially since I'm so tired of winter! I'm looking forward to spring and the budding flowers complete with the life it draws.
I work in the addictions/recovery field and see the struggle you describe everyday.
I admit I didn't understand how you broke the stanza's up, and that kind of threw me on the last one. But I'm pretty uneducated when it comes to poetry, so that may not signify.
What a wonderful poem! I certainly got your longing for adventure and your desire to explore the world. I also got the fear, fear that you may fail especially. And as a way to help minimized that fear, a desire to return to simplier times.
I would like to say, for the record though, that these thoughts are not necessarily for the young and naive. Young for me was a long time ago, but I could still relate to your poem since I also long for adventure, fear failure, can just touch my goals and my attempts to be open and leave the judgement behind.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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Tina B 
Tina B 