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26
26
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier ,

It is ridiculous that people do not discuss IMPORTANT subjects, like politics, more openly. I feel only through open discussion, leading to action, can our society right wrongs and produce a better Earth.

Your political folder showcases strong-minded ideas and concern for our world - and its inhabitants' actions.

I applaud your spirit.

Best to you,
Tehanu

*Star* This review is the fourth of five reviews you won through a raffle connected with the "Under 12 Months Group A" 
27
27
Review of Atomic Fire  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fantastic! Scary! Threatening!

You are definitely a poet with a highly organized mind. I like how you connect seemingly different ideas. And I think it is great how you use the environment - fused sand - to weld the A-bomb results with ensuing political idealogies. Nicely done.

Best to you,
Tehanu

*Star* This review is the third of five reviews you won through a raffle connected with the "Under 12 Months Group A" 
28
28
Review of Heaven is Green  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier ,

Not only is green my favorite color, but I too am concerned by deforestation and the poisoning of our environment.

I do not know if many people have heard of Wangari Maathai, so I suggest adding a link to your work so readers can read about her AND the Green Belt Movement.

Why did you choose to have her come as a butterfly? Why not a leaf?

I really liked the highlighting you used to accentuate particular words in your poem. Because you are a singer, I think it is keen how you hade Maathai sing her response. Reminds me a bit of Disney's Pocahontas. *Smile*

Well done.

Best to you,
Tehanu

*Star* This review is the second of five reviews you won through a raffle connected with the "Under 12 Months Group A" 
29
29
Review of Bluebird  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier ,

What intelligent grief. I am amazed at your awareness and how you brought your reader to the moment of your song, the climax - the crescendo of your piece.

Your story makes me wonder. I see that this is based on personal experience, but did all these pieces really fall into place like you have shown your readers? Was there truly a bluebird on the wall and did you really sing the childhood song?

Not that it matters so much. Through this story I observed how you accepted grief and your father's love. You tied everything up pretty tightly.

I do have one suggestion. You first state outright and in an unwavering fashion that you were considered an obligation by your father. Then, later, you state the opposite. Although I understand that you have come to realize, through the wings, that your dad loved you, I wonder if you could modify the first statement. YOU thought you were an obligation and then YOU realized that was probably not true. I suggest adding onto your first line, just to make your realization easier to swallow:

Certainly, he had never said he loved me. I felt he saw me as I was an obligation, a duty that had to be dealt with.

*Star* My Favorite Bit *Star*

I had thought my heart would break. Dad stepped in and took me shopping for a robin's-egg-blue organdy dress. He made me wings, spending hours after work glueing layer after layer of blue crepe-paper feathers. Wondrous wings.

What a lovely image.

You captured a heartbreaking, yet wonderful feeling. I am glad you sang for your father.

God Bless,
Tehanu

*Star* This review is the first of five reviews you won through a raffle connected with the "Under 12 Months Group A" 
30
30
Review of Angel Boy  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think you were a bold lass, to talk to him in the middle of class! *Smile*

You really made him out to be an angel and I like how you conjecture he is thinking "heavenly thoughts" and lost in daydreams. I can truly picture "Angel Boy" from your description.

Some Suggestions

(I love editing, so please know I just want to help with technicalities here.)

"I got to class early to get the right seat, not to far up or to far back in the rolls of desks."
It should read "too far up or too far back" and I think you mean "rows" instead of "rolls."

"The class was about to start, “eager beavers” in the first roll, “whoa is me” in the back roll."
Again "roll" should be "row" and I think you mean "woe is me."

"As my eyes returned to the class room I saw a boy walking through the door I had never seen."
The way this is written might make the reader think you had never seen the door before. I suggest: "...I saw a boy I had never seen walking through the door."

"My first thought was that is what an angel from heaven would look like."
I suggest placing "this" after "that."

In the fourth chapter "boys legs" needs an apostrophe and "Angle Boy" should be "Angel Boy."

"Angel Boy wasn’t paying anymore attention than I was myself."
It appears that you ARE paying a lot of attention, just not to class. I suggest: "Angel Boy wasn't paying any more attention to the lesson than I was."

"I leaned over an whispered the first thing that came to mind “Just guess.”"
"An" should be "and." Also, consider a comma or dash after "mind." In the very next sentence AND the second-to-last-sentence, the comma should be a semi-colon (;),

Conclusion

You have a good number of technical errors, but they did not really take away much from the piece and they are easily fixed. This is a sweet non-fiction piece that leaves me wanting to know more. Did he like you right away? Did you ever tell him you thought of him as an angel? Why have you loved him since; what did you find in common? Oh, and how did that class go? *Smile*

Perhaps you will indulge your reader with a part two. *Smile*

Best to you,
Tehanu
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31
Review of Scales  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! This is very confusing, surreal, and I feel like I am lost in an M.C. Escher print...which makes the dreamlike state more...confusing, and surreal. *Laugh*

So, do you happen to know whether it IS a dream or whether the characters are "living" but the sister has dreams? I am sure there are other possibilities as well, but I like your character's assumption "...that in this darkness maybe our thoughts have become real. That maybe she has found a way to jettison through metaphor what has happened to us."

Well done! I had to read this entry twice, but I enjoyed it. And I loved the fish.

Congratulations on winning First Place in the 3/4 Daily Flash Fiction Contest. *Balloon2*

Best to you,
Tehanu
32
32
Review of Time  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (4.5)
So true, so true!

I could hear an old-fashioned country twang in the narrator's voice, especially in phrases like, "she could be Emily Gibbs to the very life" and "She was an absolute picture wearing that dress." The voice was constant throughout.

You made me think of my mother while reading this - and what she might have thought about my growing up. As an adult, now, I know too well that life slides by fast. How can we live every moment to the fullest? How can we not try?

My favorite line is: "She will walk down a real aisle in a real church where we will give her over to some young man who better be good enough for her!" It made me laugh inside.

There is one small mistake - there needs to be a period after "play" in the third paragraph.

And I have one suggestion regarding this line: "I don't want to wake up some day and discover it all passed me by and I missed it!" I pretty much know what you mean by "it all" but I would love for you to elaborate. Maybe exchange it for "their life events" or name a few specific things that may happen to the sons.

Anyway, this is a sweet piece and I enjoyed reading it. Whenever I can contemplate about life, I feel very "real" and alive - thanks for making me feel that way.

Best to you,
Tehanu
33
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Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Sam N. Yago ,

Another engrossing entry! I must say, it is a pleasure to read your work, not least because you write "neatly" - with just the right amount of spaces and with good grammar. *Smile*

I liked your POV in this piece. It was enlightening, to read a mirror's thoughts. *Laugh*

*Star*Favorite Part*Star*

"Don't laugh! Don't laugh!"

Suggestions

1) I was confused about the mirror not being able to see sunsets (AND sunrises?) - did you mean that the mirror can see the sunrise, but not the sunset, because the mirror is located on one side of the home OR that the mirror can see neither sunrise nor sunset because the queen typically does not open the window? I suggest playing with this and making it a little more clear.

2) She's so eating this up... - this line sounds surprised and/or ecstatic. The mirror has mocked the queen throughout the story, so I figured the clinching tone would be sarcastic, or weary. I humbly suggest: "She always eats this up." or something similar.

Good luck on the contest! Wait, upon further reflection, I doubt you'll need luck. *Laugh*

Best to you,
Tehanu
34
34
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nice! I almost wrote about aliens taking over, myself. I love sci-fi. *Smile*

The mullet idea is smashing. And your characters definitely have strong voices. The-guy-other-than-Danny sounds like the Chief of Staff from 24.

*Star*My favorite part*Star*

“That mullet is by choice!” he screamed at me.

I bet you're glad you decided to enter the contest. *bismile* Congratulations on winning!

Best to you,
Tehanu
35
35
Review of Cemetery  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (5.0)
How sad and lovely - sad, of course, because you are parted from one you knew and loved well, but lovely, because you are showing us that your husband has moved on and, in a roundabout way, I believe you are saying he'd want you to dwell on the good times.

Cemeteries and funerals can be cold and bitter, but I see some golden rays when I read this poem. You are honoring the person, not the dead body, nor the cemetery.

My favorite part is: "The final glad disrobing of the soul". This reminds me of Madeleine L'Engle's Burn, Charity. That is one of my favorite poems.

I have lost people in my life, but not a spouse, so I cannot know exactly what you feel. However, your poem speaks to me, and I love the tenderness in your repetition of "Dear Heart" and your understanding of what your husband would choose to do if he could "come back"- the lack of happiness and joy in the graveyard shows that his presence is not there.

One nitpick: "never" is mispelled in the eighth line.

Well done. Thanks for sharing.

Best to you,
Tehanu
36
36
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Reading this is a great stress reliever! *Bigsmile*
I, too, have worked in a bookstore and I currently manage a bakery. It is AMAZING how insane people are. It's the lack of common sense that gets me.

Anyway, I think it's cool that you actually write down specific episodes. I have been meaning to record what happens at my workplace (my family thinks the incidents I tell them about are hilarious) and I believe that this has inspired me to finally start my log o' memories. *Laugh* It's just all too funny, days later, and in print.

Good luck to you! And thanks for sharing the funny moments.

Best to you,
Tehanu
37
37
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Doremi ,

Were you a yellow suitcase before? If you weren't - congratulations! *Smile*

Background of ME, your reader

On to the review, but first, an explanation - horror almost never scares me. I'm one of those awful people who laughs at the most inappropriate places when watching a horror film - because I see the strings, or simply can't fathom how others can suspend reality and find some outlandish, CGI-generated things believeable.

Your story did not make me laugh, so my guess is that others would be really horrified by your story. I found it pretty eerie, because I feel it is reality-based. The way scientists play around with chemicals and DNA and such, I believe something of this nature (*Smile*) could truly happen. A somewhat environmentalist, I am often horrified at how humans mess up the earth, by poisoning the lands and waters. That you wrote about a character who meant well, and was trying to better the world, but his plan back-fired on him - well, that IS scary! What a hopeless world you've painted!

Thoughts as I read

This is the last pen I have that has any ink in it and there's no more paper after this but I don't think that's going to matter very much.

-Oh, what a good beginning. Especially for the Writing.com audience - what author here wouldn't be horrified at the lack of writing materials? And if I were out of paper, I would care that I had none - so something very big must be happening in your character's world, for him not to care anymore. Nice.

There's bodies out there. Well not exactly bodies but skeletons. The grass eats the bodies along with everything else.

-I am a little confused here - this bit made me stop and consider. How can there be skeletons if the grass eats "everything else"? Perhaps you could write a short description on how the grass regurgitates the bones?

-Last you speak of Kit's age, you write that he is four. However, I have a feeling he's grown-up and it is an older Kit (teenager?) who wreaks havoc upon the world. Can you verify this in your story?

-I was intrigued by your descriptions of how the grass took over the world. You did this very well, making me believe that it could happen and making me wonder how your world would be able to stop the madness.

It grew on anything organic, going up the trunks of trees and killing them climbing light poles and picket fences.

-As light poles and picket fences are not organic, I suggest making this line into two separate sentences. Example: It grew on anything organic, going up trunks of trees and killing them. The grass seemed to delight in toppling anything manmade, climbing light poles and picket fences and bringing them down.

Grammer and Flow

There's bodies out there.

-"There's" should be "there're"

Kit had the best of intentions...

-This paragraph should be indented

when he dropped the wooden box which was his container for the notes he sent me,.

-You have a typo here - delete the comma that is before the period

The bad thing that is one of the bad things was that cattle couldn't eat it. It had a kind of saw tooth structure on the back of the leaves and the cows couldn't eat it.

-These two sentences could be combined and made more streamlined. Example: The bad thing is that the cattle could not eat the rampant grass, because of the saw-tooth structure on the back of the leaves.

It was voracious and insatiable,

-The comma should be a period...two paragraphs down, you also have a comma after "died" when only a period needs to be there

It died everywhere and the whole area was acres of dead grass. But it was dead and the invasion of the grass was over. We were wrong about that.

The second sentence almost entirely re-states the first sentence, and the third is left hanging. I suggest altering the second sentence, in order to neatly wrap up this paragraph: We thought the grass could not grow again and that the invasion was over.

With the first breath of spring the grass came out fighting.
seemingly invigorated by its winter rest the grass was everywhere.

-You have too large a space bewteen these two sentences. "Seemingly" should be capitalized and a comma needs to be placed after "rest"

It's impossible not to think there's some kind of intelligence to it, like it really is talking or am I just losing it?

-"Like it really is..." should be "like is it really talking..." Also, as a reader I feel he IS losing it and I think he knows it too, becasue of the dreams he's been having. So, I suggest altering the second part of the sentence as well: "...or have I lost it completely?"

I can't see very well there's just a green light

-There needs to be a comma after "well"

It will be dark ~~ soon ~~~~

The "~"s you use are too curly and sweet-looking to be scary. Also, I want more before you end! Is your character afraid of how he will die? Could he be sitting there, imagining how the plant will crunch his bones, or suck the life out of him? Maybe he could end his story with a line like, "The sharp grass has come through the downstairs window! It's slicing through Aunt Kate's favorite rug, leaving grass stains. And now the Grass is reaching toward me -"

Overall Impression

I am hard to please when it comes to horror. But I liked your story quite a lot. It's logical and very imaginative at the same time. I think you could brush it up a bit and make it even more horrifying.

By the way, my favorite part is the title. When I spotted it in your port, I wondered how a story with a portion of a children's song could be scary. You showed me how! *Bigsmile*

I am glad I read this and I look forward to reading more from you.

Best to you,
Tehanu
38
38
Review of Perimeter Check  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi rtonam ,

Overall Impression

This short story is very intense! You've done well, describing your surroundings and conveying your thoughts, in short, abrupt, sentences. The dialogue in the end had me rooting for the main character. I urged him to "move!" too.

*Star* My Favorite Bit *Star*

The last sentence is telling - what an impact the war, and the dream, has on civilian life.

*Exclaim* Suggestions *Exclaim*

You change tenses often and that is a bit diconcerting. It is justified about 50% of the time - I suggest going through the story and making it more so either present or past tense.

The first two paragraphs repeated "bunker" far too often. Please consider throwing in a different word or two, or sidestepping "bunker" completely in one or two lines.

Oftentimes I prefer reading a story that has spaces between paragraphs. However, your story is tight and I like that my eyes have to move on to the next bit, quickly. It makes me feel how the soldier feels. However, you need to indent a line that is out of place: "Suddenly my sweat soaked body responded." The last line also needs a couple of spaces in front of it, separating it from the last piece of dialogue.

Thanks for sharing your dream/experience.

Best to you,
Tehanu
A Member of: "Under 12 Months Group A" 
39
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Review of My Computer  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* I enjoyed the bit to the computer - very funny! My favorite parts are: "Curs-ed computer," and how you fluctuate between outrage and cajoling your computer to "give up" your paper(s). *Star*

The note from the computer was not as fun. First, "My Hunk of Junk" sounds more manly than the feminine phrases (ex-wife, bimbo) you compared the comp to in your tirade.

Secondly, "Pressing my keys/On the website" does not particularly make sense, and gave me pause. I suggest changing "on" to "for". The second stanza is really good - I, too, have blamed my computer, or game consoles, for letting me down (stupid controller/joystick/frozen screen! *Smile*).

The last two lines are hard to take - "I'm just a machine/Please let me be" - because I feel machines are built to be used. Maybe you could change this to something like, "I'm an old machine/Please let me be."

Overall, your poem is funny and I feel your readers will definitely understand your frustration with computer malfunctions!

Best to you,
Tehanu
40
40
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dude! I love this sig. It's so cheerful and honest-looking. I like the wavy blue background and the sheer delight emanating from her face. The thumbs-up is, of course, encouraging. Thanks for gracing your review of "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor with the turtle girl! *Bigsmile*

*Star* Draw on! *Star*

Best to you,
Tehanu
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41
Review of Lexicon  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Mantis ,

Ooh, I am glad I waited to change prompts until this morning. Your story is excellent, and I am glad you entered the contest.

Your description in the beginning really drew me in. Lexicon's thoughts are amusing - I especially enjoyed his particular thought of his "friend" - The miserable, embittered coral sucking reefer.

For me, the best parts of your story are 1)that the reader is given many clues, but never told outright that the "barnacles" Lexicon eats are humans and 2) Lexicon's believable sea creature thoughts.

There are two small bits I would like to point out - if you change them, let me know, and I will give you a full five stars:

1) In paragraph four, "they’re barnacles" should be "their barnacles."

2) Your last sentence ends in "he promised himself resignedly." I don't think you need "resignedly" because Lexicon feels a wide range of emotions - anger, resentment, pain - and I think this word boxes him in at the end. I also believe the readers can gather that he is somewhat resigned at the end anyway; there is no need to state it.

Again, it was a pleasure to read your story. Congratulations on winning First Place in the Daily Flash Fiction Contest!

Best to you,
Tehanu
42
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Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Nomlet,

This is intriguing and intelligent. *Smile*

I really like the title and the dialogue. And you've really made me picture and believe these two college students spending so much time on lingering leftovers.

One small point - if it's Professor Fredricks, then "Fredrick's alma mater" needs the apostrophe after the "s".

Congratulations on tying for First Place in the Daily Flash Fiction Contest!

Best to you,
Tehanu
43
43
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (3.5)
A review done for: "Under 12 Months Group A"  E: Reviewing and writing group for members who have been with Writing.Com under 12 months

Title: An Octagon in a Round Peg World
The title really pulled me in! The blurb helped, too: “A journey into the world of round and square pegs”. Creative marketing!

Author: Tallulah Belle

Reviewed by: Tehanu

Plot: Tallulah Belle describes the trials and tribulations of having an autistic son.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation:

It begain with worrying about just a late talking child, and ended with dealing with the maze that is "Autism".
”Begain” should not have an “i”. Also, “with dealing with” seems awkward wording. I suggest changing that a bit.

In the beginning, I swore my son, couldn't be autistic, no way.
In this item, I have really noticed your love of commas! Usually, you can figure out whether or not a comma is necessary by reading a line aloud. If a pause or breath is needed, then a comma is appropriate.
The line above seems to me to have too many commas. Please consider changing it to something like: “In the beginning, I swore my son couldn’t be autistic – no way!

I have spent the past 6 years, learning so many things.
The comma is unnecessary here.

I have spent the past 6 years, learning so many things. Some are just basic tangible facts; autism affects 1 in 166 children, 4 times as many boys as girls. Others more of an personal challenge; like how to refocus goals, accept limitations, and finding the silver lining amidst the storm clouds.
The first sentence does not need a comma. The last line in this excerpt does not jive with the rest of the paragraph. First, to stay streamlined, pattern your third sentence off the second. You wrote: “…learning so many things. Some are…Others more… I suggest putting an “are” after “Others”. Second, in “Others more of an personal…” “an” should be “a”. Third, if you want to keep the semi-colon, I suggest making the second part of the third sentence a complete sentence of its own. For instance: “Others are more of a personal challenge; I work on refocusing goals, accepting limitations, and finding the silver lining…”

I love all my children, don't get me wrong, but Cameron has truly shown me how you can still love someone, that you are exasperated with.
The last comma is unnecessary.

In a world, where we tend to classify people as round or square, he's an octagon. There's a lot to be said for octagons, I'm learning something new every day.
The first comma is not needed. And there is an extra white space before this line you may wish to delete. Also, I think your second line may have more of an impact if it is split into two complete sentences: “There’s a lot to be said for octagons. I’m learning something new every day.”

Personal Comments:

For example, how my heart swells with pride when he manages to make it through a shopping trip without a meltdown, or how my heart breaks when I see children his age that are "typical" and I mourn the loss of my "typical" son.
I like how you put in the supermarket trip as an example. Could you try the same for “typical”? For example, perhaps a “typical” child would be able to play a good, concentrated game of baseball with other children.

Most of all, I've learned just how very lucky I am to have such a special boy in my life. Someone who doesn't see the world through the same lenses as the rest of us, but instead challenges us to see the world through his eyes.
Nice! I would like an example here, as well. I am sure you have some wonderful stories.

How I love this little child of mine, he amazes me with his ability to push me to my limit, have me at the point of tears, then bring me back with a smile, or a touch.
Sweet! You must be learning a lot about the resiliency of YOU by rearing your son. It takes a lot to raise an autistic child and you seem to be finding the positives in a difficult situation. I am glad your boy has glimmers of making things worth it all!

This is a nice beginning, I think. Would you consider making this piece longer? Perhaps describing more about the journey of playing with round and square pegs. I am wondering when you really accepted the autism and what good quirks your son has.

This was a pleasant read and I can see your heart shining through the lines. If you fix up the grammar bits, let me know and I will most definitely rate this higher.

Best to you,
Tehanu
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Review of Misunderstood  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read SusanL's Public Review of this and had to take a look. I agree with her praise and that line in the third paragraph.

I feel there are two amazing attributes of this poem. One, I can truly picture this conflicted boy. Two, I can feel YOUR sadness and frustration and love through the words of explanation.

On a similar note, the rhyme scheme works and you have good imagery.

Thanks for sharing.

Best to you,
Tehanu
45
45
Review of Beliefs of a Bed  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi bluehats#5 ,

This is a funny piece. Ah, what the poor bed had to endure.

I loved how you wrapped this story up....by taking the grievance in the beginning and making it more horrific for the bed in the end.

Your opening is very grumpy - I liked that.

My favorite line:

Hey, Mom is here to change my sheets! Oh I hope I get the soft fire engine ones!

Some technicalities

"Pilled high full of pillows..."
-"Pilled" should only have one "l".

"I think its time for my morning nap."
-"Its" needs an apostrophe.

"What ae those things..."
-You're missing and "r" in "ae".

"I’ve seem the Mom..."
-"Seem" should be "seen".

I felt the caps were appropriate in the end and they made me smile. *Smile*

Congratulations on winning Honorable Mention in The Daily Flash fiction Contest!

Best to you,
Tehanu
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46
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A review done for: "Submit and Review Forum"   by Helen Aussie Writer/Editor

Title: White Picket Fence

Author:InPursuit

Spelling/Grammer/Punctuation:

He quietly slipped from beneath the duvet and padded across the hardwoods and braided throws to the bathroom.

"The hardwoods and braided throws" makes me stop each time I read this line. I feel it doesn't flow right and I suggest something like:

He quietly slipped from beneath the duvet. Padding across braided throws scattered on the hardwood floor, he made his way to the bathroom.

Smooth, without scratch or nick.

I was still contemplating his forty-seven years and this line jolted me out of my musings. For a "smoother" transition, I suggest:

The result was smooth, without scratch or nick.

Charles was slim, not carrying around the beer-bellied appearance that most of his neighbors and colleagues carried around.

You have a lot of excellent descriptions in this story. However, in this line, you use forms of "carry" twice. I feel you could be more creative here. I suggest something like:

Charles was slim, an anomaly among his neighbors and colleagues and the beer-bellies they carried.

Charles walked each morning, but this particular morning he noticed the frost covered pumpkins and realized that children dressed as fairies and ghouls would soon be ringing the door bells throughout the neighborhood.

From the ending, I understand how he could "realize" that it's Halloween. However, this line initially surprised me - how could he suddenly recall a major holiday? I suggest altering the line a bit:

Charles walked each morning, but this particular morning he noticed the frost covered pumpkins - their presence reminded him that children dressed as fairies and ghouls would soon be ringing doorbells throughout the neighborhood.

(By the way...later the characters have a "quiet dinner." How can that be, if he expects trick-or-treaters to ring his doorbell?)

It was a task that required no company and no conversation, solitude.

I want solitude to really stand out here. He is reveling in it, no? I suggest:

It was a task that required no company and no conversation. Complete solitude.

It wouldn't be long and snow would blanket the yard and banks would line the street in front of the house.

I feel this would be better as two sentences. It'd be easier to digest and I would be able to feel, more, how the snow is collecting into banks. I suggest cutting the second "and" and turning "banks..." into the second sentence.

Gwen pulled her all practical station wagon down the drive, past Charles - who was just drying his pickup, between the rose gardens and pulled to a stop just outside of the kitchen door.

This is harder to understand than it needs to be. Please consider changing your punctuation or making this into two or three sentences.

He sat quietly, finishing a book that he had been reading, while the fire cracked and shifted across the room.

The fire itself didn't shift across the room, did it? ('Cause that would be really unnerving!) I suggest:

...while the fire crackled and its light shifted across the room.

He'd awoken early and would sleep forevermore.

I don't understand...awoken early? Do you mean when he woke up that morning?

She'd given him the greatest gifts, love and peace in the face of an agonizing death.

I think I would feel so much more for your character if I knew his ailment....even generally. Throughout the whole story you painted a picture of a healthy man...to really make this story hurt the reader, I suggest naming a sickness or having Gwen go into a little detail about HOW Charles suffered.

Comments:

He wore a pair of blue jeans well and wasn't oblivious to the general fashion trend.

-Hehe! Nicely put.

Charles woke to the sun pouring through the slats of the Shaker shuttered windows of the bedroom where he and his wife had shared a bed for seventeen years.

-A good opening. I could see this.

It was physically demanding, reminding him often of a variety of little used muscles.

-Oh, I like this description! Yes, I know how that feels...

He then swung his leg swiftly over the cold leather seat of his Craftsman and cut clean, crisp parallel rows across his yard.

-I can smell the grass here - and see an autumn sun streaming down on Charles' back and on the blades of sparkling grass. Well done!

Your story definitely affected me and I feel the title and description are apt. I feel you have a lot to offer here. You have a way of painting with words.

I also feel that your story could use some tweaking. I would most definitely change my rating in future if you let me know that you have altered your story. You have a good foundation.

Best to you,
Tehanu
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Review of Grill Exchange  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A review for the "Under 12 Months Group A"   by Helen Aussie Writer/Editor

Title: Grill Exchange
Author: Coyote

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation:

-I wonder if there is any reason why the dialogue was not in quotes? It just threw me for a loop at first.

I was in here a while back

-In this instance I believe "a while" is one word.

...$200.00 worth of steakes

-"Steakes" does not have an "e" at the end.

I went in the house to get a beer, I came back out and my grill was burning at 700 degrees.

-This is two complete sentences in one. I suggest changing the comma to a period.

-The capitalization of "sir" is not necessary.

Comments:

-I am glad your associates backed you up! I could picture mine begin to tiptoe toward the back room...*Bigsmile*

-This is an entertaining story. And I identified with you. Nice job.
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Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
LOL - I was laughing even as I spied the title and started filling out the blanks. It was rather horrifying, reading about all my friends having intimate affairs with one another, but I definitely laughed a lot throughout your story. Nice bit of Madlib comedy, here.

Best to you,
Tehanu
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Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! It is great that you've posted consistently the past few days. Thanks for being a "regular" *Bigsmile*

It is good, how you string the reader along. Will the main character win? I love the ending - a lovely cliffhanger. Is Jack our main character? I hope so!

Some suggestions:

In the first sentence, consider putting "me" after "behind." Elsewise, the sentence seems to hang a bit.

"The man continued his speech and then exited off the stage." - This seems too rapid. I expected the continued speech to go somewhere. Perhaps "The man gave a quick speech and then..." or "The man finished his speech and then..."

The presenter's speech is bothersome only because he is awarding one person but he is continually calling that person, "they," which is plural. Here is my take on how you can fix this: "This journalist has shown through the years that they have the talent and that they deserveand determination to receive this award. They battled their wayBattling to the top of the profession, the recipient continuously writes high-quality material and works under many diverse conditions to tell you the hardcore facts of the story. TheirHis work has been featured in publications such as The New York Times and The Tribune. I am proud to present this year’s award for the Most Proclaimed Journalist in the State to Jack Vyertok."

Your story makes sense and has a tense feeling about it. I could picture myself waiting in an auditorium, hoping I wouldn't be passed up for the award...*Smile*

Well done, but you had fierce competition for Monday's contest. Thanks for entering The Daily Flash Fiction Contest!

Best to you,
Tehanu
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50
Review of Eve of Dreams  
Review by Tehanu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great idea - you really pulled me into the story around the first "nightmare". This reminds me a bit of "The Yellow Wallpaper." Have you ever read it? The wife's mental health is not considered important to the husband. He grows tired of her...

I enjoyed your dialgue and your vocabulary is good - "crystalline," "apathetic," "stupefied," and so on. Refreshing.

Some parts were a bit over-done. I understand the story is set seventy-two years ago and I wonder if that may have something to do with it. However, I will give you an example.

For instance, I believe you are creating drama here: "Horror came to Patricia on a cloudy English night, about 45 degrees, no visible view of the moon; this setting was a harrowing sight." I feel this sentence could be written in a more straight-forward manner and it could still convey unease. I did not understand why the exact temperature was included and only the word "harrowing" made me feel that the description was meant to be ominous.

Overall, I found your story interesting and well thought out. The dreams and Patricia's conclusions made this story. I definitely felt for Patricia!

"Write on!"

Best to you,
Tehanu
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