The first two lines of this story ensnared me. I felt relaxed by the dialogue, and knew I needed to read more...
I truly feel your story has the potential to become "magical." However, the grammar structure often pulled me away from the actual story. In the following review, I spent a lot of time pointing out where you could make changes to enhance your story. I did this because I really liked your story idea and your characters, and I hope you can really polish this story.
*You include the word "had" far too many times. I used to do that, too. Here's a small example of how you could avoid the dreaded "had:"
"Ortfreed, a three year old German Shepperd, can only be described as vicious, unless you happened to be Carl. He had been --> Ortfreed was trained to attack and ask questions later. One time he had --> even bit Carl when he jumped into the car too quickly during a rainstorm.
Some other thoughts:
"His favorite way to travel was in his large canoe that he could miraculously carry all by himself."
-The word, "miraculously," is off-putting. This man, although old, is strong and hardy - the reader understands that. Everything else in your story is "down-to-earth" and I don't think magic or chance has anything to do with the fact that Carl can still carry and paddle a canoe.
"...Carl. He had been trained to attack and ask questions later."
-The "He" after "Carl" insinuates that they are one and the same. I suggest changing "He" to "Ortfreed." Also, of course, consider nixing "had been" and changing that to "was."
"Carl was an unusual looking man. He was well over six feet tall and had a snowy white beard. In his younger years, he had had a full head of hair to match. Now, there were only small wisps of white hair that only hinted at the fact that he had any hair at all."
-Ehrm....if he has wisps of hair, then he has hair...I suggest changing the last two lines to something like: Small wisps of white hair on Carl's head clung to the memory that he, in his younger years, had a full head of hair to match his beard.
"If someone were to ever spot Carl in the wilderness and somehow managed not to see his blinding white beard, identifying would still be easy due to his bright orange hat filled to the brim with pins. He always tries to collect a pin from every place he visits, and by taking on glance at his hat,"
-"Managed" should be "manage." I suggest adding "him" after the word, "identifying." "On glance" should be "one glance."
"Once Carl finished loading up his canoe,"
-You just wrote three paragraphs describing Carl, then went back to the story. I was not sure at first where Carl was, in this line. I suggest altering the line to: "Today, Carl finished..." or "Outside the general store, once Carl..."
"Once he was done,"
-In the line before this, you wrote about the cashier. Now you are writing about Carl again, so to avoid confusion, I suggest changing "he" to "Carl."
"He needed time to relax and this is where he felt most at home."
-Where is THIS, specifically? The docks? The outdoors? The river? If so, which river? I think you could be a bit more specific here and paint more of a picture for your readers.
"For the next two days, Carl and Ortfreed traveled down the river in his canoe."
-This needs to be either "their canoe," or "Carl's canoe."
"During their trips was the only time when they seemed to actually see eye to eye. They had almost nothing in common, except a love for nature."
-Please kill the overused phrase - "eye to eye." As a reader, I wonder why you drag the dad into the story. Why did Carl and his dad not get along? Did the father teach Carl everything he knew when it came to surviving outdoors? Is this why Carl remembers his father fondly now? I think you should either give more here....maybe tell a small story about Carl and his dad together....or say less about the dad.
"Traveling was the lone time Carl allowed himself to think about him."
"Lone" should be "one" or "only."
"The first night on the river, they camped just above the river bank."
-You were just writing about Carl and his Dad before this line. So, you need to inform the reader that "they" are now "Carl and Ortfreed." --"Carl and Ortfreed camped...."
"He was a very skilled fisherman and it was as if he could lure the fish from the river."
-Fisherman DO lure fish from the water. I think you are trying to show that Carl appears to lure them out easier, or faster, than anyone else. You can do that in a variety of ways, such as exaggeration: "He was a very skilled fisherman. It was as though Carl only had to put his hand near the water and the fish would jump out to greet him."
"To Carl, it did not seem like he could find the perfect spot to make his camp. They had gone about thirty miles when Carl spotted a small island in the middle of the river. He had finally found what he had been looking for and then proceeded to pull the canoe ashore."
-You do not need "To Carl." The reader knows who is looking for a place to camp. The third sentence is a bit messy. You could condense it to something like: "He found the perfect spot to camp and pulled the canoe ashore."
"He had even had time to catch a few fish before it had become too dark to see."
-You could neaten up this line like such: "He even had time to catch a few fish before it became too dark to see."
"They were almost an entirely different fruit form the ones sold in the supermarket."
-"Form" should be "from."
"He loved the feeling of freedom he had when he camped by himself, but most of all he loved just getting away from it all."
-Away from what all? Doesn't Carl live in the wilderness? You are being a bit cliched here, and as a reader, I thought Carl lived in the wilderness most of the time. What, specifically, is he escaping?
*I want you to know that I really enjoyed Ortfreed. Ortfreed, Carl, and their relationship are all interesting. I feel that you described the wilderness and Carl's activities - such as cutting wood and singing - very well.
The ending was great. I think the first paragraph and last paragraph of your story are the absolute best.
Your story introduced me to a quiet river and life on a one-man island. I enjoyed my time there.
Best to you,
Tehanu
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Your story got more and more fantastical. At the same time I wondered whether or not you actually KNOW someone like Neil. You make him very believable!
Good for you!
