I liked the story, the flow of the writing was natural and made the story a good read.
I assume the lack of quotation marks around the dialogue is intentional?
I'd edit out some of the adverbs that are are redundant modifiers (e.g. 'chuckled lightly'. A chuckle is light. Saying it is becomes redundant)
My only real nit about the piece is the ending. I get that the grandson chose a different path after hearing the story from his granddad than the reader might expect, but the grandson's response seems inconsistant with his obvious adoration of his granddad along with the warmth and closeness the family seems to share.
The story told of the granddad's regret with putting winning over everything and how it permanentaly affected his love of the sport yet his grandson chose to ignore the moral lesson and focus only on the cleats and winning. Why?
Some foreshadowing, some reference to the grandson's drive to win or some background needs to at least be hinted at in order for me, as the reader, to find the end believable. In the end I was far more intriged with wanting to explore why the boy made the choice he did rather than with the story presented.
But all of the above is simply one reader's opinion. I'm sure many would disagree. Anyway, it was a good read. Thanks for sharing.
A sweet love story and kept my interest to the end.
I would suggest running the story through spell-checker since there were several errors and they can get in the way of a good read. My only other comment would be on the conversation between Mikey and Erin.
"Alright, so could I have your number?"
"Yeah, It's XXX-XXX-XXX."
The back and forth exchange in any conversation isn't always going to be interesting and so any normal back and forth can summed up.
example:
"Alright, so could I have your number?"
After she gave me the number I asked if I'd see her the next day.
It keeps the story moving but avoids getting bogged down in the ordinary exchanges.
I enjoyed the story, loved the ending. I might explore working on some of the descriptions (e.g. instead of telling the reader the jewelry looked 'cheapish', describe what it looks like and leave it to the reader to surmise its cheapness or 'looked at him oddly', describe the look rather than telling the reader it's odd.
The story kept my attention until the end, the pacing was good and the writing did not get in the way of the story but ultimately I felt the story was left wanting. As the readier, I felt let down at the end because I had too many 'whys' in my head.
A hint of an underlying motivation that not only drives why they do the race but why these people are friends, what is the bond. If those questins are addressed the characters and story will have more depth. There is a lot of description devoted to the act of dressing and undressing but little to explain any of the bigger questions the reader is left with. Doesn't mean you have to go into great detail simply work at providing the reader a deeper sense of a plot, an intriquing beginning and a satisfying end.
I believe the piece could evolve into a really great story. Thanks for the read!
Definitely kept my interest and I would like to see more.
A couple of observations:
The first two sentences don't work for me. I think they would flow better if combined and I'm not sure you need to say they train braked since the phrase 'the wheels sceeching loudly' as it draws into the depot gives a sensory description that doesn't need to be explained, the reader knows (and can hear in their heads) that it's braking.
Also, as an experiement, try removing all the adverbs and replacing them with verbs that are more descriptive. Adverbs when loosely sprinkled into a story will weaken it.
An example:
The passage: 'Diamond walked quickly to the box car hooked behind the locomotive, arriving almost at the very moment the brakeman pulled open the sliding door. Quickly entering the car first, the brakeman backed out even more quickly when the both the chestnut and the buckskin kicked and snorted their mutual displeasure at being cooped up in a noisy, moving rail car.'
Instead of 'walked quickly' he rushed or raced or ? A verb with imagery makes a story sing, adverbs can make a good story flat.
As to the Diamond character, I pictured him (from the passage about stepping off the train with the Henry in his hand) as a more distant, brooding character especially due to the lost of his family which gets brought up later so his initial response to Lou Ann seemed out of character so early in the story.
At any rate, the read was good and I definitely think you're on to something as a story. Thanks for read!.
It's a good story and I think captures the struggles of a very young couple.
I'd suggest formating it so the dialogue stands out better for easier reading.
The reader doesn't get a sense of how old Gareth is, the same as Linday, older?
Also, I might suggest dropping the description of the barmaid :Some said she’d started working there when the king himself owned the place, it was hard to tell her age under the make-up she piled on.
It doesn't appear relevant that point and doesn't do anything to move the story forward.
As to the ending, has Lindy actually left Gareth? If not, it seems a little odd to have another man, Michael seem so ardent all of a sudden. The intent seems to be to show that she's ready to make a break with her past but nuzzling with a new guy in front of friends and family and makes Lindy seem a bit shallow versus how she is portrayed in the rest of the story.
Overall a good piece.
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