First things first, congrats on pitting your first piece ou there! Hopefully, it's the first of many on this site :)
Regarding the piece, I like it, it has a very nice atmosphere and tone; content and blissful in the first paragraph, forlorn and melancholy in the second. It's clear this came from the heart and does a very good job connecting to a fear that most people will have some point or another: that those we love unconditionally might someday leave us.
You do a very good job of setting the scene in the first paragraph. Details such as listening to each other's breaths or his fingers running through their hair add a nice touch. It really helps build that bigger picture of contentedness. This continues in the next paragraph very nicely. "But loving him didn't save us" is an effective opener for the paragraph as it shocks the reader out of that content mood you had led them into.
There are some areas that I feel could definitely be brought up to standard. This is mainly referring to the structure of the text, which has some issues with clarity, making it harder to read and understand comfortably. For example, you start off in the present tense ("I am totally content") suggesting this is taking place in the here and now. You then use the word "always" which suggests this is a regular occurrence. That would be fine, however, you start the sentence with the words "I don't want to" which again suggests the here and now. So which is it? Are you describing an event that's happening right now, or that happens regularly? It adds a level of unnecessary confusion to a simple sentence. This could be fixed by simply removing the word "always" or changing "don't want" to "never want" etc. Do you see how such a small detail could have a big effect?
This is just one example though, another would be your use of pronouns/perspective in the second paragraph. Starting with 1st person and then shifting to the 2nd person with no apparent reason again just confuses the reader. Did the narrator change? Did the person the narrator is talking to change? Again, there's just not enough clarity.
But I don't want you to take only negatives from this review. This piece is short but it has a lot of potential. Yes, there are issues, but that's the case with all first drafts. Spend some time revising and redrafting, nail down your word choices, do the simple things well. After all, if you can't do the simple things right you can never expect to pull off the complex things, can you? Above all, focus on your strengths, which in this piece seems to be your use of descriptive language. Expand on those vivid emotions and descriptions, really lull the reader into a sense of security and contentedness before ripping it away.
Overall, this is a good first post on Writing.com, despite some errors and flaws it has some serious potential. I wish you the best of luck on your writing journey.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 1:29pm on May 10, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "