Millions, a number I could not imagine.
-- "Millions" would be more effective followed by a period, I feel.
I dared not cast a light nor initiate a search, for the mist remained at times longer than others,
scurrying in terror to the shaking, shattering thunder of a monstrous footfall.
-- unless it works better, not broken up that way.
General Thoughts:
The personification in this story is very effective. Imagining the tribe's life in the caves, hidden from the plague-bringers, without knowing for certain what they are or who the plague-bringers are very much shows reality from a different point of view that is very nicely done.
The poison is more devastating than any I think I have ever seen -- I don't think I would WANT to see such a horrible end to any race of beings.
While not defining a race of beings, this is a thought-provoking story that could be taken from the viewpoint of a number of races. Great Job!
What till they see the sequels!
-- Should this be "wait"?
General Thoughts:
Part of me wishes this weren't such a short story. So much could be developed with this character -- emotionally and intellectually. So many more details could be infused into this.
On the other hand, the brevity of the piece leaves it concise; it's always a good thing when your readers want to know more. I think it's safe to say your readers will want more out of this.
First-person narration is hard for a lot of writers to pull off well. Congratulations! This comes across so casually, so off-hand. Any other form of narration would have stolen that bit of attitude from this character.
I feel like there should be something more for me to say; this review seems very short to me. It's just very hard for me to stretch out GREAT JOB much more than I have.
-- Your second paragraph has several uses of "as". I tend to do this too much myself, and it always makes me feel like that word just keeps jumping out at me. Try other words, like "when" or "while"; the only "as" I think I'd keep would be "As she entered, a shadow emerged..."
...but your insolence has perhaps even depleted since my return.
-- Depleted as in lessened? The impression I get is that it has increased.
You are a child, and it seems that is all that you will ever be; a lonely child, with no manners.”
-- I LIKE this sentence. Simple yet descriptive, not only in what he is saying but in giving the reader an impression of his feelings for Kalila.
“Good bye Kalila, perhaps when I return you will have found some manners.”
-- The feeling in this scene is that it's been a very long time since these two have seen each other. Still, they have only talked for a moment. For him to say good bye now, I would expect him to say "Good bye again
no-good
Smiling to herself, Kalila grabbed her bag and left;
General Thoughts:
This introduction to the main character is brief -- over too quickly! I found myself easily interested in Kalila and would love to find out more about her as the story progresses. Great start, absolutely! I am glad you plan to make it longer.
Be sure to use an empty line to break up your paragraphs; for computer-screen reading, the eyes need a break... a little white space here and there. If this story had been longer by the time I got to it, I would have had to try to cut myself off from it before words started running together. This is a story I would NOT want to cut myself off from.
Please let me know when you've got more written and posted! Keep it up!
Lit up by the setting sun, theythe leaves rustled as a light breeze blew through the native maples that bornebore them.
“Yes,” he replied, “it does.”
it was now only a small pink arc on the skyline, with a second slice reflecting-ed in the water that lielay in between.
Steve walked over toward the body of his old friend that lie there on the edge of the reservoir and smiled.
-- This phrase seems unnecessary. The reader can assume the body is lying. If you want to include it, though, use "lay".
Questions/Comments:
He had grown up being more like the guy who had people pleading with him,
-- I think this sentence would sound better if you left out "more like". Was he like the guy who had people pleading with him, or was he the guy?
That last question had burned him up a little,
-- Which last question? The one Steve asked about the book saving lives, or Jack's "It's about time?"
Steve collapsed to his left and slumped against the side.
-- The side of what?
Standing there he looked down at his right hand and began to turn it over.
-- This sounds like he's turning his hand over.
-- This story leaves me wanting to know more about the characters, and more about what will happen with Steve's new mission. It is well-written but I think you could go even further in developing it.
I very much like the concept of this story -- fans of "La Femme Nikita" will find it interesting.
There are a few places where the tempo is lost, but it is easily picked back up. This is a very descriptive piece, well done. I occassionally had to pause and wonder how characters knew what they did -- for instance, how did she know there was a loaded Desert Eagle in his closet? A few more details in a few places and attention to grammar would be very helpful to the reader. This scene alone could translate well into a much longer story -- if the rest of the novel matches the intrigue of this preface, any reader has a treat in store for him.
I think this is a great idea for a story, but I would like to see more detail put into it; the beginning gets the reader interested, the reader gets an idea of which characters are likable and which characters are not, and starts guessing what might happen.
The end seems abrupt, though. In the matter of just a few paragraphs, the climax occurs, then the story ends. This would be more horrific if Jax's pain were waiting behind a little more suspense, and then more dragged out.
This is a great story, but like I said, I think it could take more time and more detail, and it would make a story that would really make me nervous the next time I went into the woods with people I didn't know very well.
I understand that this is a mere moment, but I would like to know more about the characters... their names, maybe even what has led them to their decision.
I would like to know if they have children or grandchildren who will miss him. I wonder what they think, if they know anything.
So many thoughts can pass through the mind in a matter of moments. What thoughts are going through their minds? Memories, failed dreams, that he always loved when she wore that necklace -- little introspective things can tell as much about the characters and even if they make the story longer, the moment is the same moment.
For its length, though, very well written! Thank you!
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