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26
26
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Lou-Here By His Grace ! This review comes to you from
** Image ID #1072361 Unavailable **


Technical Suggestions:

No suggestions!

General Thoughts:

I'd like to know how everything turned out; did you end up being a match? Have you had any other office visits?

Thank you for being a hero!
27
27
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Lou-Here By His Grace ! This review comes to you from
** Image ID #1072361 Unavailable **


Technical Suggestions:

his boat> -- Just a typo; that > should be a .

To many of the local fishermen, we would be treated as outsiders -- I think this should read "To many of the local fisherman, we would be outsiders..." or "By many of the local fisherman, we would be treated as outsiders..."

with me, as his disgruntled first mate. -- I don't think that comma is necessary, but it's your call. It works either way, but for me it splits up a sentence that doesn't need to be split up.

"I worry about Pirates -- With this capitalized, I thought first of the baseball team... *Wink*

General Thoughts:

Once again, you've managed to put a lot of information into the beginning of your work. You've very nicely set up an atmosphere, important relationships, and setting, and you've got a great background started.

*Thumbsup* Language is very natural, and the dialect you've written shows the location without being hard to read.

*Thumbsup* You've already shown what these young men are capable of, and I hope as the story goes on, they find the limits of their fears and they become even more capable.

*Thumbsup* The situation is already very believable, even with the suggestion of the supernatural, and should turn out to be a very good read.

Keep it up!
28
28
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Lou-Here By His Grace ! This review comes to you from
** Image ID #1072361 Unavailable **


Technical Suggestions:

Emily and Monica where wandering -- Just a typo: "were"

'world's biggest beer,' -- That comma doesn't seem necessary to me.

from an out of tune saxophone -- I think since "out of tune" is being used, here, as an adjective, it should be hyphenated.

General Thoughts:

*Thumbsup* I love the free rhythm of this piece; you don't concern yourself with rhyming or keeping a certain beat to the words, and that's the sort of poetry I like best.

The first two lines of the poem suggest that the narrator doesn't know how to play an instrument, so I think the third line doesn't really need the phrase "I didn't". It breaks up my concentration for a moment, while I read the piece, then I realize that this phrase is a reminder of the first two lines.

*Thumbsup* Very nice job painting a description with your words. This poem isn't a bland description of why the narrator's there, or what he's doing; it brings the reader in with an understanding of the surroundings and emotions going on.

Great job!
29
29
Review of Destiny  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering The Dark Lady's Dark Fiction Contest!

Technical Suggestions:

the reeboks -- Should Reeboks be capitalized?

Sure does seem weird, though," he repeated.

an old caftan his mother sent him. -- I think this should be past participle: "an old caftan his mother had sent him."

But they all had a commonness about them and as they approached, and Terry knew. -- I think one of those ands should go.

General Thoughts:

The imagery you use is very good - showing ages, life-styles, and more without telling them.

I like how Terry's destiny follows him around, and I worry about his fate in the future. Heh - if police sometimes hire psychics as consultants, they could hire him, right? *Smile* Clearly, no matter where he goes or what he does, this is going to keep happening to him. I also like that it's the reason he became a photographer.

His experience's affects on his life are well-written; you don't have him recover quickly or without cause, and that's nicely done.

The last scene makes me angry at the cops; even though it seems to have become an office joke, keeping Terry's camera just seems wrong. However, it does make me wonder if Jack plans to return the camera within the day, and what state he would find Terry in...

Keep writing!
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30
30
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering The Dark Lady's Dark Fiction Contest!

Technical Suggestions:

it span out of control -- Should that be "spun"?

Shivering against the steel slab, the smell of antiseptic with an undercurrent of sweat and fear. -- You have here two dependent clauses that aren't related to each other.

General Thoughts:

Great imagery in this story, too!

It perturbs me that the tankful of fish are dead. My fish do very nicely without being fed but every few days - in fact, when I feed them every day, they get pretty fat.

My only real problem with this story is that when a story's in first person, I like to understand how that person can be telling me the story. This is a situation in which the narrator just can't be the narrator.

Keep writing!
** Image ID #1072368 Unavailable **
31
31
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering The Dark Lady's Dark Fiction Contest!

Technical Suggestions:

A bright eyed blonde boy -- Two things here. I think bright-eyed should be hyphenated. Also, I think people typically use blonde to refer to females... you might want to take the E off.

It was the small hours of the morning -- Just my opinion: I think this would read better as "In the small hours..."

with every present it examined it would judder and twitch, -- I'm pretty sure that "judder" isn't a word. I've not tried looking it up in the dictionary, though. Thing is, I don't have a problem with you using judder as a word. I see, when I read this, a sort of jittery shudder. I think that's what you're going for... so I think you should keep it. I'm all for making up words when those that are available don't show what you want them to show - I've had reviewers point out my made-up words several times, though... so don't be surprised if someone else points this out. Judder's got my vote, though! *Wink*

But the eyes, they were the worst things -- Be wary of using pronouns right after the noun. It comes across as very colloquial... You could leave out the comma and "they" and this sentence would have more impact.

its face came closer, -- Just a typo. That I in "its" should be capitalized.

General Thoughts:

I like how Santa's words are italicized instead of on quotations. It gives a feeling of the words almost being relayed through the mind, rather than vocally, and I would hate to think how the words coming out of that mouth would sound! Be careful, though - such dialogue can easily be lost and unnoticed by the reader unless you set them apart from the rest of the paragraph.

The imagery in this story is great! Very nicely done.

The paragraph before the last sentence seems unnecessary - it brings the story down, slows it. It seems like a huge realization for a child; I think the reader may be able to grasp the concept without it being said.

Keep writing!
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32
Review of The Map  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering The Dark Lady's Dark Fiction Contest!

Technical Suggestions:

No suggestions!

General Thoughts:

This story progresses quickly from the current situation, to the beginning of the story, and the events that transpired to get the character to the current situation. I've always related archaeology to grave-digging, so it seems to me to be prime material for writings of the darker nature.

The seeming obsessiveness the character has about the artifact and its meanings is well-written - I am left with only one question: Why is the cell made of stone and dirt? I had the impression that this story took place in relatively modern times, but the cell conjures images of times past...

Good job!

Keep writing!
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33
Review of The Vegetarian  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering The Dark Lady's Dark Fiction Contest!

Technical Suggestions:

it was starting to affect him. -- Personally, I think this is the sort of situation that passive voice works. Some reviewers will catch this, though, and advise you to rewrite this as "it had started to affect him." Up to you!

while he couldn’t see them,he could -- There should be a space behind that comma.

He winced, knowing it was getting worse -- Passive voice again. I think this one's unnecessary.

he still felt as if he could beat down -- Typo in spelling.

No ordinary man could but then again, -- I'd put a dash before "but", for emphasis.

Wonder what you’re having for dinner? -- Typo in spelling. The "he" in the next sentence doesn't need to be capitalized.

this time it was carrying something with it. -- Passive voice.

I was barred from that path a long time ago,Jack. -- "long" is misspelled. Also, I'd put a comma before "Jack".

He peeled off his jacket, allowing to cool air to molest his arms. -- Should that be "the"?

his feet were now stiff to the point where he has beginning to walk -- I'd make that "had begun".

nourishment from the cactus was sucked into his body. -- Passive voice. This makes it seem he gains nourishment by osmosis.

until there was nothing left. -- Typo in spelling.


General Thoughts:

I like the way the character degenerates - it suits your description very well!

Your descriptions are nicely placed. They don't bog down any part of the story, and we see the setting in a very natural way.

I think the reader's concern for the character would be increased if you were to tell us more about who he is. You mention an experiment, but not enough to get the reader involved in whatever happened. I think it might be a good idea, too, if we knew his name earlier in the story.

Good job on the idea! It's definitely original.

Keep writing!
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34
34
Review of Parable  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering The Dark Lady's Dark Fiction Contest!

Technical Suggestions:

huge smelly buzzards -- I think it would add to the imagery if you tell how the buzzards smell. I've smelled one, but I can believe that a lot of people haven't. Very little is less offensive to the nose than a carrion-eater's breath. This will help give your readers a sense of just how bad Arturo's situation is.

"You okay?" Uly asked, with a look of apprehension.
[line]
"Yeah, just a nightmare."
[line]
Uly smiled tightly and trained his gaze back out into the darkness.
[line]
"How long did I sleep? Arturo asked. "What time is it?"
[line]
Uly's wristwatch showed 2 a.m.
[line]
Uly opened the car door. -- Most of your story has lines breaking up the paragraphs, but there are a couple occasions where the format is forgotten. This is the first.

His hands were hard and sharp like broken glass, and his face was sharply angular and bronze -- This adverb is unnecessary, I think.

cast by headstones of varying sizes, and an assortment of weathered wooden crosses. -- Anyone who's read my stories will tell you I use commas more often than I need to. At least, several of them have told me that! *Pthb* I now pass their message on to you... that comma seems unnecessary.

The ground was depressed where the grave had caved in. -- This is the second of three times you use the word "grave" in this paragraph. To avoid repetition, you might consider replacing this word with "coffin".

It's wings flailed -- Use "it's" only as a contraction of "it is". As a possessive, this should be "its".

from Los Lunas. He comes -- Lots of spaces in there... There are a couple spots, later in the story, this happens again.

The man tossed the dogs scraps and the animals snarled and fought desperately for the scraps. -- Since you've already mentioned that scraps have been tossed, I think it would be safe to use a pronoun here.

the most powerful force in the universe, Agreed?" -- That comma should be a period.

especially to outsiders" she said, -- Add a comma before the quotation marks.

Artur went to work -- Just a typo; the "o" is missing.

punishments inflicted upon him. presided over nightly -- I think that period is meant to be a comma.

Arturo was now convinced that the loot was cursed, -- But in the previous paragraph, he's reluctant to give the loot back. Has time passed? Had he already come to this decision, but didn't want to bring it up?

Uly still got drunk at the Crystal Bar, -- Earlier in the story, you mentioned that Uly never went to the bar anymore...

sprang up from the sidewalk and gracefully used his hands -- The adverb "gracefully" doesn't seem in character for Arturo. Maybe there's something that's more appropriate -- deftly, or agilely...

the bootie -- booty?

a spanish guy, -- Capitalize "Spanish".

This curandero isn't just a healer -- When changing paragraphs within dialogue, be sure to include opening quotation marks so the reader knows someone's still speaking. Don't add closing quotation marks to the previous paragraph, though - just the opening ones.

"You scare me, as*****", the priest replied

from behind the trees, Uly, Ayah and her son, Domingo, -- When did Uly move away? When did he join Ayah and Domingo?

It's head -- Should be "Its"

"Yeah, ok."

General Thoughts:

*Thumbsup* Your writing contains very vivid imagery which adds to the setting. For example:
A beaver's leathery carcass floated by like a discarded tire. Great job!

You've developed your characters well enough for them to be interesting to the readers; their actions and behaviours are reasonable from what we know about them. I would like to see more about Ayah, though, before the ending. The relationship that develops is unexpected from the one time the reader meets her. Even if she doesn't show up again elsewhere in the story, Arturo's thoughts never seem to dwell on her. Romance was the furthest thing from my mind.

The foreshadowing concerning Domingo is well-played. Good job! Uly calls him his nephew -- I thought Uly and Ayah were just friends...?

Once again, I think you've got great imagery running throughout the story. The setting and mood are very nicely described.

I think the priest could be a little more wicked in the last scene. Everything happens so quickly at the end; it doesn't seem worth the three days they took to prepare.

Good job! Keep writing!
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35
Review of The Carpenter  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: E | (4.5)
Technical Stuff

tool box -- Shouldn't this be one word?

General Thoughts:

Although it isn't a poem in any traditional form, I can't really see this formed as prose, either. And I tend to be a fan of non-traditional poetry, anyway.

The story is very good.

Crows are often used to symbolize death; is that your intent in this?

If anything were to be added, I think a little more description of the park would give the reader more of a sense of the old carpenter's situation. Just a touch, though. For example, how desolate is the park? Are there any statues, an empty playground? Is this a park surrounded by city sights, or is it more like a natural reserve?

Good job!
36
36
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: E | (4.5)
Technical Stuff:

Surely they know the truth because didn’t all mounds of knowledge hold a salty grain of truth or some nonsense like that? -- Shouldn't "know" be "knew"? Also, I think I'd put a dash between "truth" and "because".

as he was pivoting his glassy form -- Passive voice. Consider "as he pivoted".

He flipped Club Soda a thumbs-up and said, “Stay cool” and -- You might consider taking out this "and" and insert a comma instead. Also, you need a comma after "cool".

That was the last drinking straw for Club Soda -- *Bigsmile*

General Thoughts:

This is great! Cute, but with a moral. Everything makes sense. The dialogue is natural (if you can consider drinks and seasonings having natural dialogue! *Wink*) and your descriptions allow everything in the story to be seen. Great job!
37
37
Review of Humanity  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Technical Stuff:

as though someone had cut his puppet strings. -- This line makes it sound like the drunk guy actually has puppet strings. Think about something like "...fell to the ground as though he were a puppet whose strings had been cut."

waiting for the perfect moment; when his fingers began to stray lower, -- You might want to change that semicolon to a period. I think it would be easier to read.

it saturated my whole self. -- "my whole self" slows this sentence down. I think it would still work if it were simply "me".

One interesting side effect of being like I am is that my stronger emotions tend to come rolling off in waves like palpable energy. It comes in handy at times like those, when acting on my feelings would be unwise. It should have shut this kid up in a hurry. -- I don't understand what you're saying with these sentences.

I wondered how many questions that had been. How many had I said I would answer? -- Not much time has passed, since the questions and answers have all been really short. Is this an affect of the alcohol in James?

I could never think like a human again. -- The thoughts readers know from Ghufran seem human enough. Show us how it is she doesn't think like a human any more.

So what if I were full. -- I'd change that period into a question mark.

A frozen zephyr kissed the back of my neck, -- huh? Most readers aren't going to know this is a mild breeze. Also, you might want to make the wind freezing rather than frozen. Frozen implies that it cannot move.

When Alex looked at me -- Since this is in the past, I would say "had looked".

General Thoughts:

I like the fact that the human isn't the victim here. It seems to me that Seth doesn't even need to tell the story about his brother; that seems irrelevant with the inhumanity he shows later. It sounds more like an excuse for his actions than a reason.

You show very well what goes on in this story. Good descriptions, great dialogue.

Keep writing!
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38
Review of The Take Over  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Technical stuff:

At our time of greatest need some emerged to rally the population. -- Some what? Some hope? Some people? Some new technology? Who is the "they" of the next sentence? Finally, it seems like you've skipped quite a bit with "At our time of greatest need...." How long after the discovery was this? 92 years later? 10 years later? I think the reader will be deceived into caring more about this character if you tell more about him/her. (By deceived, I mean that we'll start caring, even though it seems you want us to care about the family. I think that would be a good thing -- give your reader that internal conflict of wondering who to care for. I mean, after all, either race could be our own, except for the relatively local references made by the family.)

Only one in half a million could escape the holocaust. -- Do you mean one and a half million, or one out of every half million? Also, I am not sure I'd use the term "holocaust" here. Nature doesn't have holocausts so much as disasters... What this race is doing, in this story, would be the holocaust.

Seventeen years ago radio transmissions from an intelligence orbiting star KW 719 were detected. --This is a great way to bring the story closer to the present. The only thing I don't love about this entire paragraph is the comma after "although". Beautiful!

On the planet. -- You might want to italicize or center this. It looks like a sentence fragment; if you set it apart from the rest of the story in some way, the reader will more quickly understand that this signifies a scene change. It might not even take more than parentheses....

John rubbed his two-day old beard

Rain clouds appeared -- Though it moves the story along, this seems too convenient. Had a storm been brewing on the horizon the night before, this would flow more smoothly.

In orbit. -- Same thing as for "On the planet." I expected there to be more sentence here.

General Thoughts:

It seems strange to me that they even look at the alarm clock while they're on vacation...

I'm a little confused. He had cancer in his kidney?

I had the impression that this family was up in the mountains, out in the woods somewhere. Why would they take the car to find a place to go walking? Here, it only seems to serve the purpose of their escape. I think it would be more horrific, though, if they didn't have that escape route.

I assume the planet is wanted so they can build a new home, but I could see other options, too. Please clarify on this, so conspiracy theorists like me don't start thinking they just wanted to test out a virus in order to have a great defense program should they come up against other aliens. Why they needed an intelligent race is never explained. Is this the only sign they look for to assure themselves the planet is habitable?

You've got some very good ideas here, and I'm sure the story could go on. Feel free to give the reader more background information. Good job!
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Review of Red Desire  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Technical Stuff:

Your opening paragraph seems unnecessary, to me. It tells the reader about the new race of hunters, but this being a new race and all, I don't think we really need to know. The information provided has little relevance to the rest of the story. Also, it presents this new race as another that humans have to defend themselves against, and I really don't get that feeling from the story.

“If we die what will that prove. -- I would add a comma after "die" and change the period to a question mark.

Quickly Jake ran up behind her -- "Quickly" is unnecessary here.

Chris caught completely by surprise never saw what was coming and fell face first to the ground with a heavy thud. -- Since her back is turned, I think this could be left out; the reader understands that she is surprised.

120 pounds was no trouble for the 6’3, 235lbs Jake had and it all of it muscle. -- Most readers don't need the information to be quite so specific. You could simply say that Jake has a larger frame, and we would accept that he has no trouble carrying her. Especially given their vocation! *Smile*

just laid there on the ground -- use "lay" rather than "laid"; you could also remove either "there" or "on the ground" to avoid redundancy.

-- Those two paragraphs need to be separated, too. And when Chris speaks, another paragraph should be started.

“I out weigh you -- "outweigh" as one word.

“I play dirty? You said it yourself, you outweigh me by at least a hundred pounds. So when you gang up on me, I’m the one that plays dirty, huh?” she asked, smiling to herself ...

Would you please tell me because I’m a little confused on the matter myself?” -- I would put a question mark after "me", since the secondary part of the sentence isn't a question.

the both of them took off running -- This would look better as "they ran..." "The both of them" and "took off running" are colloquialisms.

“I always fell exposed -- feel

“Can’t we talk about this later?” She asked, knowing the camera pointed on them right that very moment -- "right that very moment" is unnecessary.

floor and carried her from the room.
She opened her eyes some time later -- another two paragraphs that need to be separated.

the only Source of light -- Capitalization.

That’s what it is, a disease. With it comes several life altering symptoms.”

their hostile stared -- stares?

No small nuance or mishap once so ever -- whatsoever?

she asked, the tears threatening

“you should be afraid,” she moved too fast for even him to see, her face inches from his, “Boo,” she whispered. I would start a new paragraph, here. Also, think about: "You should be afraid." She moved too fast for even him to see. Her face inches from his, she whispered, "Boo!"

“How does it feel Michael?” -- Again, I would start a new paragraph here.

She held out her hand and he took iy. -- it.

General Thoughts:

Pay attention to your verb tenses. They change from time to time. Most stories are written in past tense, and most of this story is, but you may want to check over it for the places in which the tenses change.

Chris is a wonderful main character. I would like to know more about her relationship with Jake. Why did they start working together?

Why do they live with so many others at the safehouse, instead of having safehouses of their own?

Throughout the story you hint at Chris's improved abilities and senses, which served excellently as foreshadowing. Her skill in vampire-hunting seems to be based on her accelerated capabilities; I almost wonder how the other vampire hunters survived at all without her.

Why the sudden kinship with Ethan? I would expect someone who hates vampires as much as she does to pull away from his touch, even if she's not afraid of him.

I expected more development between Michael and Chris. I think it would be okay if you let them beat around the bush a little, instead of challenging each other so quickly.

I think this story has a really great concept. You pull the reader into action almost right away, and there are no lulls. I think you have just a few rough edges to smooth over, and I think you could go even farther with this story than you have.

Keep it up!!
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40
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Technical Stuff:

an old Scavvie who's eyes -- should be "whose"

Rygel have him two large mouthfuls -- should this be "gave?"

General thoughts:

Although this chapter doesn't tell much about the character and his background, it does a lot to get the reader involved in the story. Your imagery is fantastic. This story has a grittiness to it that is astounding - almost overwhelming - which describes very well the situation Rygel is in.

I don't know anything about the gaming system you refer to in the folder's description, but I can tell from this first chapter that you'll tell me everything I need to know to enjoy the story.

I also like the way this story has a post-apocalyptic feel without you having to come out and say it.

One suggestion: if Rygel doesn't talk to himself or his horse often, you might want to describe the sound of his unused voice a little more.
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41
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I think this group is a great idea -- I know it's hard to write anything (or even read anything!) while jogging or jumping around, and I'm a prime example of too much sitting on my bum: I spend a minimum of 6 hours a day recently just looking at Writing.com!

It's hard to change the habits of six months, much less a lifetime; this group strives to change individuals' health habits as well as support each other during those changes. What this group has is an excellent example of the best rewards a person can get for themselves, promoting healthy mind-body relationships.

Best wishes and congratulations to this Bandwagon!
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42
Review of The Freak Show  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Technical Stuff

*Bullet*"Why don't we just go gawk at the freak shows and go home like normal people." I mused.
*Bullet*Who needs the bearded lady.
*Bullet*All I could think was where were the cops when you needed them.
--These should be question marks.

"We've done everything that took you're fancy,
--This should be "your" rather than the contraction for "you are".

“Do not move.” It said.
--This period should be a comma, then "it" in lowercase.

--There are a few places where I think you meant to start a new paragraph, but the empty line was left out.

--Ford is capitalized when you are talking about the automobile or its maker.


General Thoughts:

About the Naga: no tail? No bones? I love how he "paralyzes" his prey -- the tingling voice in her head leads to an intriguing encounter.

Who is Darron to the narrator? Boyfriend? Husband? Brother?

I would like to see mre about the other things going on at the fairgrounds -- just enough to understand how she has been dragged around for hours doing what Darron wanted to do. I realize it would delay the vital point of the story, but I don't think it would detract from it. This might even build suspense -- say, if the couple passed by the tent a couple times during the evening... maybe seeing people come out, or not being ablew to read the sign because of patrons standing around.

Good spin on the freak show story! Good job!
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Review of Grave Dirt  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Technical Stuff:

Her hands went up in a frenzy.
-- Is "a" necessary here?

What have you done!"
"Why am I so cold!"

-- I would make these question marks.

"Tony, do something!"

Her teeth tearing, her fingers clenched into claws, She wanted to drink...
-- Does not need capitalization.

General Thoughts:

I enjoy the fact that the reader has to learn things as Mary does, in this story. The confusion lends to the suspense and manages to keep the reader in the dark about what is going on around her.

The title is a little confusing, on its own. It had definite correlation to the beginning of the story, but does the dirt play a part throughout the story? Did I miss it?

My favorite part of this is the description of her escape from the ground. Your description is very detailed, and really brings the reader into the story.

Good job!

** Image ID #992250 Unavailable **
44
44
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Technical Stuff:

No technical suggestions. Very well written!

General Thoughts:

If there were to be anything I would change about this story, it would be the "AFTER" section. It makes the tale less personal to Stephen and Tabitha; until that point, it seems the calendar had to do with Kurten's feelings for Stephen's father... by the end, though, the feeling is that it is somehow connected with the house.

Are the individual dates the important part, or is the year 1989 significant?

The dialogue seems to me like it could be more natural. I don't think Stephen needs to point out that he's comfortable, for example... it's accepted as a stereotype that he's not leaving the TV. It feels like the couple are not talking to each other as a couple does; they seem like they don't know each other very well. I would have felt more concern for them if they had seemed more concerned about each other.

Great read! Thank you!

** Image ID #992250 Unavailable **
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45
Review of The Work Room  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Technical Stuff:

Where is everyone, I thought
-- I'd put a question mark instead of a comma.

luring my eyes into it’s murky depths.
-- This should be "its", without the apostrophe.

This is my only way home, I soon realized

The man began to walk towards me
-- You forgot the periods on these sentences.

He had had a bump on his neck too.

General Thoughts:

This tale has a continuous line of suspense throughout it -- I think if you gave the reader a few small moments of relief, when the suspense picks up again it woule be even more intense. For example, if there were another passenger on the car who nodded hello, gave the character some relief, then left a moment later at the very next stop...

The little details such as the watch stopping, the lone rat in the tube, etc. really make this story work well. It's those little details that I love -- they make it all more real. Great job! Your talent for bringing the reader into the story has not gone unnoticed. Thank you! Good Job!

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Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Technical Stuff:

I could hear the scrapping

I glanced nervously towards my little brother, six and a half years younger than my 12 years of existence.
--This sentence is a little more complex than I think it needs to be in order to tell the children's ages. Also, I would spell out "twelve".

General Thoughts:

I did like the suspense of this story; some of the language does not seem like that of a twelve-year-old and I think that if it were, it would be a little more disturbing.

I love the idea of the "ghost" and I think you presented the entire story well. The revelation at the end brings everything home very nicely, and your storytelling is fabulous. Good job!

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Review of The Predator  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like "Invalid Item"  better. It has more details, more description. While this one is the telling of a history, the memoirs have a more personal voice to them. The revision gives the impression of the character's conscience -- or what's left of it -- and the fall into evil is more real; not just because the memories go farther back, but because the evil is more real...

This story is more from the viewpoint of a child, in my opinion. If a predator of the nature I sensed in the memoirs were recalling this version -- or telling this story -- I don't think he would see it as the beginning of his evil. Looking at nude mags seems to be on a lesser circle of sins; I think the story comes across better when that peek turns into the probable death of another child.

I do like your descriptions of the locales and the interactions between the boys, here, but the recalling of the interactions in "Memoirs" seems more natural. It is a complete change from the mainly innocent boy looking for a way to escape Billy to a child afraid of getting caught doing what he is not supposed to do. In this version, that transition is very dry.

Sorry it took me a few days; I've been working in the real world and haven't had a chance to get back to Writing.com. Good job! I'd say, keep up the work on the revision.
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Review of The Body  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Technical Stuff:

A clatter on the verandah startled her.

General Thoughts:

Wow. This is a very creepy tale. It seems like the bare bones (heh) of the story, though -- fill in a few more details, and it will be perfect.

I would expect Kit to know the dog's name. What color fur does it have? Did it just push in on the screen door to get inside? That's the sort of details I'm looking for. The reader knows by the end of the story that the dog visits all the time, but we really know very little about it -- and very little about the characters.

I don't know how to feel about Kit. What kind of argument was it? Did they argue all the time? Was the concept of her act in her mind before it happened, or was it a quickly-made decision in the rush of anger?

Good Job! Keep writing!
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Review of The Trial  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
No technical suggestions to offer.

General Thoughts:

My only gripe is that the description of your story is a little misleading. It says the ghost testifies at his own trial... so I thought that somehow, Andrew was the ghost.

The ending, though, is great -- a surprise for the reader as well as the cast of characters.

I think this story could be a little more fleshed out -- a few more details, more description. The dialogue is very smooth.

Good Job!
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Review of Huntsman  
Review by Dark Lady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Technical Stuff:

One by one, he called each Hound’s name and waited for it’s voice.
-- As a possessive, this should be "its"

General Thoughts:

This is very good, but I am hoping there is more to ut. It would be awesome to read how Terrmiak got his training, his hounds, his horse...

How does he know where to go to find the werecreatures -- other than by Toran's notes?

Is there some mystical thing keeping the hounds from recognizing Toran as a weredragon, or are they only trained for werewolves?

I'd also like to know more about these werecreatures; more about the difference between the chose and the bitten -- and how the spirits are involved.

Good Job! Please keep writing!
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