I really enjoyed reading a poem on this unusual topic. This disease has touched so many lives and yet people discuss it so little. You did a great job using metaphors. They really fit the subject quite well.
I loved the last two lines:
He used to be the raker,
Now he is the wind.
I have a suggestion as well. I think the poem would flow better if you cut the first two lines into a few smaller lines so instead of: "Imagine raking leaves of autumn into nice neat piles, sorted by color or by tree."
you had
"Imagine raking leaves of autumn,
into nice neat piles,
sorted by color or by tree."
It's just a thought. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
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Yup, when someone is toxic to your emotional well being, it's time for a clean break. Good for you for knowing that. I have a few suggestions for you of a technical nature.
There is a typo on the first line. You wrote "your" instead of you. I would add punctuation to this poem so the lines don't all run together which will help with the flow a bit. I personally, would also make, "but you couldn't be more wrong" it's own line... but that's just me.
Hope that helps! Keep writing through the pain, it's good therapy and I sincerely hope things get better for you very soon.
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I am not sure I really understand the message behind this poem. Don't take it personally as I am not always the quickest on the uptake when it comes to symbolism.
I'm not quite sure if pain ever makes no difference, entirely. I think it helps shape who we are, even if subconciously.
Technically speaking, I suggest using proper punctuation. Sometimes, a lack of or improper use of punctuation can actually contribute to a certain piece but I think it would look much more clean the the continual use of three dots as you have it here.
I would change its and doesnt to it's and doesn't. Also, you might want to add a comma after the word "no" on the 8th line.
Hope that helps. Have a great week and keep writing!
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I really like this poem. It's amazing how many so-called "friends" will run the other way as soon as a person finds themselves in a bad place in life. I like to believe Karma will get people like that in the end but, who knows...
I found that the description you offer doesn't really fit well, in my humble opinion. I don't see anything in the poem that shows this person having been used. Abandoned, mistreated? Absolutely.
I also found a typo. "discust" should be "disgust". Hope that helps and thanks for the read!
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I really love the subject of this poem. I have been there so many times! Unable or too afraid to share one's real feelings. Ugh, it's maddening, isn't it?
The only suggestion I have for you is the spacing of this poem. It doesn't look quite right to me. I think the punctuation does a fine job in showing readers where the breaks are, and unlike some poems which have neat little stanzas that are easy to indentify, this one looks as though it might be better suited if kept together as a whole.
Just a thought. Have a wonderful week and keep writing!
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I can really relate to this poem as I think most people can. It's really horrible to feel isolated and unloved. As a matter of fact, I think it's one of the worst feelings, bar none.
I have a few suggestions for you of a technical nature. I would try and utilize punctuation so that the lines don't all run together. You might also want to turn some of the longer lines into two lines to help the poem flow more smoothly.
I also noticed that you used the word "no" instead of "no one" on the fourth and seventh line. You mispelled the word "piece" in the intro and I would suggest moving this from the horror section (as this really isn't a horror poem) to perhaps: emotional or experience.
The last thing I would suggest is that you might want to find a different word to replace the word "hurt" in your poem. While hurt is an OK word in and of itself, in my humble opinion it's simply not excruciating enough to describe feeling that kind of emptiness.
I hope that helps. I enjoyed the read. Keep writing!
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First of all, I just wanted to say that if you are or have currently experienced this from your family, you are NOT alone and there are people who can help get you out of there! I grew up in an abusive home and suffered in silence for years about what was happening to me. Don't make that same mistake. No one deserves to be neglected or abused.
Now onto the poem. I have some suggestions of a technical nature. Don't capitalize every line because some lines are continuations of the line before it and add a period at the end of each sentence/finished thought. So, for example, instead of:
Leaving me all alone
Inside an empty home
you might want to try this:
Leaving me all alone
inside an empty home.
I found a couple of misspellings as well. "kno" should be "know" and "hoe" should be "how". I would also consider replacing the numbers with words. In some poems it might be fitting to have a "4" instead of a "four" but in this instance, it just doesn't fit.
Also, the second to last line seems to be a bit too long for this piece. Maybe if you turned it into two lines? Just a suggestion.
Hope I was of help. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
Not sure I get the entire gist of this poem but, don't take that personally. I tend to be a little slow on the uptake sometimes when it comes to symbolism.
Not sure if the word "moans" fits on the second to last line. Seems like since the wave is of terror, the sound would be more shrill and panicked. A moan is sort of slow and low impact. Just a thought. Also, I would use more punctuation.
Thanks for sharing this and keep writing!
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I have been a caretaker, twice in my life, for a terminally ill person in my family. If this was written about your loss, I truly am sorry and know how hard it is.
I have noticed a technical issues with this poem. First of all, you mispell the word "dieing". It should be "dying". You also wrote the word "breath" instead of "breathe".
There was no punctuation used, even though some lines are continuations of the line before them. I would definately add commas and periods to this piece.
Hope that helps. Keep writing!
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I really enjoyed reading this story. Yes, one of the most nerve wracking experiences for me was wondering if my significant other's family would embrace me. I am also a different race and culture then him.
Thankfully, they were very nice and accepted me instantly. Thank you for sharing this!
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I like how you display this piece. It's very artistic looking. Well done!
However there are some technical problems with this poem:
You use the word "your" when you should be using "you're". Everynight should be two words. "There something" should be "There's something" or "There is something". "halo and wings is" should be "halo and wings are". Also this piece seems to lack alot of needed punctuation and the sentences mesh together.
Hope that helps!
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