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10 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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Review by Threil
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great story! I had a hard time finding something to comment on, for the most part I read it without pause. Very well written!

When Raymond's gun is first called the "ventilator"

> So instead, this piece, this gun, this ventilator)

I thought this was a special unique name for his gun. Later on,

> their own ventilators were much newer and snazzier

I was a little disappointed that the name was used to describe their backups as well. I felt like it made his gun a little less special.

> “Stay with me, today . . . please? I . . . I don’t wanna be alone,” he’d plead lowly.

In the line above, I'd suggest removing the dialogue tag entirely. The dialogue in your story is wonderful. You don't need to tell us he was pleading, we can feel that!

My last suggestion would be to keep the last few paragraphs in the same tense. Changing to the present tense was a little jarring and distracting, and took away from otherwise smooth prose.

Outside of those little things, wonderful story. Keep up the good work!
2
2
Review by Threil
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked it, the characters stood out, the dialogue was short and precise and poignant. Nothing extraneous there.

If I can make a couple of quick observations:

You've got extra spaces in certain places, like after each opening quote.

Try to avoid using dialogue tags other than "said", they are almost always unnecessary, as they repeat information already conveyed in the dialogue itself.

For example:

> " Where ya headed? I can give you a ride." I offered.

When he says "I can give you a ride." it is already apparent that he is offering. A simple "I said" would be enough.

You can remove "I replied" later on completely, I think it would improve the flow.

When dialogue is follow by a "he said", then the last punctuation mark of the dialogue should be a comma, so:

> "Where ya headed? I can give you a ride," I said.

The other thing I'd like to point out, which brought me a little out of the story, was this sentence:

> Suddenly, James abruptly interrupted a fascinating war story and pointed.

Suddenly, abruptly, and interrupted all convey the same thing. I'm also uncertain of what this war story is. Wasn't mentioned earlier on.

Otherwise, like I said I enjoyed the story. I liked the ending too! Good work.
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