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8 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Fifty things  
Review by Tireman
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your list was refreshingly simple. I was previously unaware that such an article could or should be posted to the review request page. After reading it, however, it got me thinking about what I want to accomplish before I punch out.

I've thought about it quite a bit lately, possibly as one of those early-thirties crises. You wake up and realize that you're locked into a life you never thought you would have, full of all those things that you swore you'd never do.

I think I will write my own list and publish it on here. I think it would be interesting to read many different peoples' views on what's important in their lives. Who knows, maybe this will be the start of a writing.com trend.

Thanks for the impetus, and good luck with your list.
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Review by Tireman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Teagan,

You get 4 stars for pure originality and fun. That was a great read. You nailed the characters in terms of a "real life" perspective. Can you imagine? Those kids, though commercially successful, don't behave like real kids in the movies or the books. Just think...if you were Harry or Ron, wouldn't you be trying to get with Hermy? Of course you would. And if you were Hermy, you would have Ron and Harry at each others' throats playing with them like a cat toys with a mouse.

Your take on these characters (though playing with fire copyright-wise), is hilarious. I really enjoyed this and could read more if it.

Tireman.
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Review of On the Island  
Review by Tireman
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
That was a very interesting read. I would like to see the next chapter.

As for the writing, there are some things that you could do to really make this one solid. First, get rid of silly adverbs. (Most adverbs end in -ly). Adverbs are a crutch. If you do your job as a writer the correct way, they are unnecessary. We will know when a kid muses "softly." I mean, how else can a child muse? There were several instances of poor adverb usage in this text. Clean them up and beef up the narrative to make up for their loss. Other than that, you're drawing a great picture for the reader. When you have this tightened up and a little more complete (successive chapters), I would like to read it. I think you've got a great story going and should work it through to completion. Just remember, don't get stingy on the narrative and MAKE yourself write without adverbs. Use your grammar and spell checker. Make sure you aren't writing in the passive voice.

Hope this helps,
Bill
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Review of Home  
Review by Tireman
Rated: E | (3.0)
I believe you did write this piece from your heart as stated. Your thoughts and feelings are very visible. I will offer this advice: Sentence fragments and colloquialisms have their place in prose, but do not over use them. Your prose needs to be revised for sentence/paragraph structure, grammar, and stylistic conerns.

Let's consider spelling first. It's the easiest to fix, so run your spell checker or get the Webster's off the shelf and get the job done.

Secondly, let's consider your sentence and paragraph structure. I think we can all agree that in most cases, complete sentences should be the rule. I think you should rewrite this piece in such a manner that your have zero sentence fragments. As for your paragraphing, make sure that each paragraph follows form (topic sentence, supporting sentences).

You should also look at your use of pronouns throughout the piece, and your use of descriptive language overall. Consider this example from your work:

"Home is also a place, which makes me think of my father, his table, his books and his ever-familiar spectacles. Picking up his books, I feel nostalgic going back into time when he used to teach me. His no-nonsense attitude, his firm voice all invade my mind and heart it ceases to matter that he is no more. His very thought wherever I am, feels home."

As you wrote it, your thoughts on your father are understood. I suggest, however, that the following manner of saying the same thing would work better:

"Home conjures memories of my late father. I can still see him sitting at his small table under the window, thumbing through a favorite book. He always wore his wire rim spectacles while reading, or teaching me history, or literature, or any of the hundreds of lessons we discussed over the years. In touching his things, I am continually reminded of his lessons to me, both academic and moral. His fierce sense of social and moral responsibility have been instilled in me over the years, and I still rely on his guidance, even after his death. I hold onto the physical mementos of his life when I need to remember home, and am comforted by them."

Obviously, I wrote it with some expansion, and probably worded it differently than most would. That is not the point. I have tried to illustrate how to show your meaning via narrative, rather than rely on a reader's perception of a very basic description (his glasses, his books, his spectacles, etc.). Draw the picture with words and you will direct the message exactly where it should go.

The meaning in your story is clear, and I share it with you with regard to my own family. Use your specific memories to make your prose come alive to a reader. Make me understand how your father's articles are different from those of my father. Show me in narrative how these miscellaneous thoughts make you feel and you will have succeeded.

I hope this helps. Rewrite it and let us see it again!
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