Very informative piece. It gives a brief summary of what lighthouses are and where they came from. I would like to have seen a little more exposition, though. For example, the Pharos Light. You described it, and yes, it was of an impressive size, but are there any stories related to it? A lighthouse that stood for 1500 years must have some lore, be it real or embellished.
I am not sure what your intended audience is, but anecdotes always help. They help keep the interest of children and adults alike. Just some food for thought.
This is very cleanly written, I found nearly no mistakes, the "how" in para 5, the "at" in para 15 needs to be capitalized "At first. . .", "uncle" when referring to "Uncle Peter", etc. . ., but nothing of real note. It seems like it could be a very interesting story.
I do have a couple of criticisms, though. First, it is very short. The description says that it's chapter 1, but it is too short to be a chapter. Yes, I know, there are many shorter chapters out there in the literary world, but this is short by conventional standards, and, if you're looking to get published, conventional standards are your friend.
Second, it is a little bland. The subject is good, probably exciting even, but the piece doesn't really convey that excitement. Maybe a little more description would help, describe the room they're in, their clothes maybe. The dialogue is well written, maybe you could give some more detail about their expressions? I suspect Uncle Peter would be a little more annoyed about being dismissed so summarily after bringing Liam something he clearly thought was very important.
Overall, I think it has a lot of promise. Good job!
Hi Moomintroll,
Interesting quiz. I didn't do as well as I thought I would, and I did learn quite a few things, assuming you have done your research.
Are all the "correct" answers verifiably correct? I am not doubting your statements, but I am curious. I realize that the answers would rely on the teachings and books of Christianity, and not academic books, but I was surprised by some of them.
I think it has some real potential for further development. There are a couple of things that I would like to mention.
First, try rereading the text through the eyes of an editor, read it aloud to yourself. There are some things that won't show up in the spell checker, but should be addressed: I.e. in Para 3 "cleaning routing" should be "cleaning routine" (I think), and there are various problems with verb agreement throughout the piece. Now, these are not serious problems, but remember, anything that bumps the reader a little bit out of the story makes it harder to get them back.
Second, try to be more descriptive of how things affect you. It is all well and good to describe the system and what it does, but how does it actually affect your life? How does it make you feel? Would other people want this? Is there any downside/negative effect?
I think I could see this becoming a good story with a little more development. For example, you mentioned banking; was this foreshadowing for a problem later? Or, you mentioned fitness frequently, was this foreshadowing some future benefit? How does this system affect society? It seems like it might limit social interaction, what do you think?
I hope you find my comments helpful! Good luck!!
-T
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