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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tolpinsk
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17 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of DEFEAT  
Review by tolpinsk
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks its so beautiful writing and speaks volume to all of us. I like your choice of words and the voice used.
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2
Review of Art  
Review by tolpinsk
Rated: E | (3.0)
I regretfully agreed to visit an exhibit put on by a long-time friend. I had declined four of his previous invitations . It’s not that I’m art-averse, I just prefer to spend the brevity of my weekends completing errands. I can’t complete tasks like taking small trips with my fiancé. I am burned out by the weekend end. I guess, truth be told, I’m also art-averse.


The idea is there just minor trimming and more to the point movement. These are just humble suggest of a new writer. I like where the story is going. I don't mean to offend.
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3
Review by tolpinsk
Rated: E | (5.0)
Intense and captivating. You took me on that journey. I have been there but never that close.
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Review of The Last Hope  
Review by tolpinsk
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Captivating until the last two lines. You switched voices. Perhaps her thinking instead of you thinking for her would solve the voice problem. The end was too fast.
Because the first part before the switch in voice was so good you the last two sentences really scream out. Just my humble suggestions. Ending are a lot harder than beginnings.
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5
Review of Gaze  
Review by tolpinsk
Rated: E | (3.0)
Your voice is not coming thru. It sounds hollow and distant. the topic is warm and soft but the tone is harsh and cold.The though are there and its story is good. Try playing around with softer words; More free flowing words. .
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Review of Empty Inside  
Review by tolpinsk
Rated: E | (3.0)
One thing about writing is that its exposes who we are. And this pieces clearly shows a pattern of issues that goes far beyond this relationship. That is good you are so open. You expressed it clearly. Now if you could decode the issue you will have insight to internal conflict with is a valuable tool in wiring . You are half way there. .
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Review of Sister  
Review by tolpinsk
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the premise but you are trying too hard to tell us the story, Try to cut down on words and say the same thing. ie

I don’t need to be with you, Emily. I need to find my own path for a change.” to I don't need you. I need to find my own path.

Try playing with it and see if it works. just a suggestion.
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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tolpinsk