I would absolutely love to show this to my son. It's beautiful. It's filled with that mix of advice and hope that really speaks to a reader. Great piece.
This is incredibly beautiful. I loved the flow of it.
One recommendation is that in the second to last line you have sore instead of soar. Just replace that and I think this is incredible! Keep on writing!
Before I get into any corrections, I just want to say I appreciate the new knowledge. I had no idea transgender identity was found in ancient Egypt. ~ Tori
So, corrections... I just want to say that there are some things that would make this a bit easier to read, and would therefore get your message spread to more people, and perhaps also more clearly. Most people don't realize that how you set up your argument has a lot to do with how many people start to read it, and even more on how many actually finish it.
I love your title, first of all, because it gives you that instant of question... What is this person talking about? What more could there be? Is there something I don't know? That sort of thing pulls the reader in (it certainly did for me).
After that however, it gets a little harder to read the piece. First because of the formatting. With everything so tight together it can get hard to pick out the words, so I always suggest spacing between paragraphs. It gives everything a natural break and helps the reader change gears.
Then you start your opening statement, which in a piece like this should be explaining the purpose of the writing. You definitely want people to know what you are getting at. Why are you writing the piece. Are you sick of seeing an entire group of people marginalized? Are you trying to clarify something? What are you saying? Make this something you can fit into one paragraph, but most effectively into one sentence.
For instance:
Don't let the idea of being a victim stop you from being who you are.
Then you need to make your first paragraph around that statement. Make sure you aren't wandering into things that have nothing to do with your point. The part about two teenagers being left at the border just detracts from what you are saying and makes people wonder about drugs instead of your point.
Finally, focus on the voice you are using. In this piece you tend to switch back and forth from an educational voice to a righteous voice. Those two don't always mix. Facts might help your argument, but only if you remain factual throughout the entire piece and avoid giving opinion. Works from doctors aren't listened to because a doctor was passionate, but because the doctor was calm. So always focus on what you are trying to get across and decide before you start writing which voice would be better to get that point across.
I disagree with a lot of your passion voice, but I found the factual voice interesting. What people don't always realize is that using that passion voice in the wrong way when writing can make readers stop paying attention. They might skip to the end or just click out of the piece. Always temper that passion voice with humanity.
Give your reasons for believing the way that you do. And always leave room for healthy debate, because that is the ONLY way to connect with others of different groups and make any effective strategy for change. When you involve your personal feelings, always tell people why you feel that way. What led you to your beliefs? What changed your own mind about certain things? What things do you still not understand?
Also, especially if you are giving facts, as much as you can, cite your sources. First, it gives more credence to your arguments, and secondly because others might want to read more for themselves.
I absolutely adored this! I laughed at the end, I have to admit. My husband always tells me men don't get hints, so this should make him smile.
I don't really have any pointers, so I will just say I love it. Spelling, grammar, and punctuation were all great, and it's completely readable, and easily understood.
I wanted to give you some feedback on formatting, because I think this work is awesome, but could be improved. It is very evocative, and I can feel the emotion behind it. However, punctuation and formatting take from the beauty of the piece. Here is how it might be improved...
A Poem
Osere Nyamora Vincent
Away the Wind Blows
Away the wind blows, and away swiftly the dust flies;
Yet memories remain engraved in souls too weak to phantom how quick past a smile becomes.
Away the wind blows, silence embraced;
Rivers the eyes become, as the ghosts of pain torment, the tongue too heavy to lift, voices too coarse for the day but yet, sadness we embrace.
Away the wind blows, and firm are the stool's legs;
Heavy a load to carry, but determined to complete the journey of a heavy load, yet still it lies unshaken by the multitude witnessed.
(I also might change the last part of this portion to: Heavy a load to carry, but determined to complete the journey of a weighty burden, yet still it lies unshaken by the multitude witnessed.)
Memories my friend, yet away the wind blows;
See you on the other life, where still are the waters and as the dust settles, (and) I will always remember the day the winds blew.
These are just my thoughts. I think the piece is absolutely beautiful.
This was incredibly beautiful. There were a few tiny errors, but I was too caught up in the story to care about them. The characters were believable, the story poignant, and the setting sad. I absolutely adored it.
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