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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/traci.s
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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by Savannah
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This has an excellent storyline. It is compact and has all the elements needed for a short story. There are some grammar and punctuation errors that make reading the story difficult.

Some suggestions:

YOURS: The planet was not on any known star chart, and was a smooth blue and green sphere.
SUGGESTION: The smooth blue and green spherical planet was not on any known star chart.

YOURS: At the helm of the spacecraft was Prell, the Captain
SUGGESTION: At the helm of the spacecraft was Prell, the captain. (no capital letter needed because the word captain is not part of a proper name, ie. Captain Prell).

YOURS: The planets predators must have evolved to utilize gliding to snare prey.
SUGGESTION: The planet's predators must have evolved to utilize gliding to snare prey. (Planets vs planet's: planets is plural; planet's shows that it owns something)

YOURS: They were obviously, enormously powerful as they moved massive blocks of wood, and chased each other at speeds surpassing one-hundred kilometers per hour
SUGGESTION: They were obviously QUITE powerful as they moved massive blocks of wood, and chased each other at speeds surpassing one-hundred kilometers per hour (using two "-ly" words consecutively is a bit awkward).

I hope I've helped with some of the small grammatical errors :)

Traci


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Untitled 7  
Review by Savannah
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This a very good beginning. It reveals the hurdle of both the antagonist and protagonist within the first few minutes of reading. The character development of Desmond is quite thorough. Nathalie's character development is not complete but this helps keep the reader's attention.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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