You have an absolutely natural dialogue in your writing which kept me engaged throughout and I cried while Ellie was trying to deal with his death in the hospital. I think you've really nailed the heaviness of heartache over the loss of a loved one and I loved your descriptions (" the whites no longer white, but the color of a discarded filter-tip cigarette and streaked with burst blood vessels from his forceful vomiting", "the trachea cracking like chicken bones under his fingers", "but at least she wasn’t standing at the bottom of the canyon of despair looking up at the endless, unscalable walls").
It was a rather long read but in the end I loved the journey. I'm putting you in my favourites and looking out for more of your work!
This is a really well-written piece and I think it captures pretty accurately how awkward teens are. Your writing makes me want to read more but I couldn't find the first chapter!I think you're off to a great start though so I'm putting you in my Favourites!
Just one correction though - "I think he's got a *c*rush on me or something..." I think there's a C missing in that line, but other than this, great work!
WOW, this is amazing, I tried writing a poem just with 12 syllables per line and I couldn't do it so BRAVO on this piece!
Just a couple of corrections - line 9, I believe it's "like a serpent's tooth" (missing an apostrophe before the s), and also in the line before "the same power can also destroy" there are 9 syllables when there should be 8. My suggestion would be to change the word "also" to "too" perhaps?
I love the opening stanza and I think that this poem is especially relevant in our current times, but just the last stanza "You may know what's said, may think too true, but simply, my friends, do" which I don't really understand though.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/triciateo
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 10:00pm on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
