Wonderful work, not only does the piece come from the heart but it also holds a great lesson in regards to waiting. As for the review, here it goes.
Grammar/Spelling
No spelling errors that I see, but I do feel that there can be some punctuation added.
Emotion
You did express the emotion intended; however I give 4 out of five because I know in such a situation the pain and I feel like you could have been a bit more aggressive with describing that pain.
Creativity
Same as above, I expect to feel it a bit more …
Formatting & Form
Maybe this is my own personal preference but it is easier on my eyes when the piece is broken apart into stanzas. In this case, I feel like you crammed together four, four verse stanzas.(I have broken the item apart like this for reviewing purposes.)
Flow
One item crucial to flow is punctuation, insert periods, commas, and such to show the reader when to take a breath in reading. The other disruptions I found in the flow are the flowing.
Transition to the fourth verse in the first stanza. – Extend the verse, express your waiting.
Second verse second stanza – again extend the verse.
First verse third stanza – I feel the verse could be shorted. I would omit “woman’s” and change “another” to “another’s”
Second verse third stanza – Must at least have a comma in this verse. The “you said” disrupts flow.
Third and final verse final stanza – These two verses do not fit well for flow or subject. To improve this I would omit the question and replace it with fact. For example, you are asking if he will be there for you, but rather make the assumption that he wont or that he wasn’t.
Total Score
I hope that my suggestions lead to the continued growth of your writing. I would love to read some more of your work sometime.
Beautiful work!!! The best I have read so far today.
Completely loved the first and the final stanza and can offer no suggestions. I can see however, that the second stanza caused you some trouble. I feel like the second line could be shortened by removing the adjective and thus adding an adjective to line 4 and 5.
One line flows to another in this poem. You need to omit some commas.
Line 2 leads to line 3 You only need a short pause and a comma disrupts the flow. Also, “a road” may be more appropriate.
Line 4 leads to line 5, omit the comma.
Same goes for line 6
Finish with a period.
Thanks for the read, and be sure to keep your eye out for me, I will be reviewing a lot to earn some GPS in order to regain my membership status and post some new work.
First off I would like to welcome you to writing.com. This is definitely a great community to get your creative juices flowing.
My name is Blaine and I have been an active member of this site for over a year now. (Except for the last few months … I have been missing in action, but I am back now.) So please make sure to stop by and read some of my poetry, I am sure you will enjoy it.
Wonderful job with this non-rhyming poem. I think that these types of poem are very challenging to write. I do have some suggestions in regards to the meter which will make the poem flow as if it was rhyming though.
Break after the fourth line.
Fifth line start of with "There's".
Sixth line start out with "But".
Eighth line shorten by omitting, "The”, and "of the".
Break after the eighth line.
Ninth line shorten by omitting "the" and "not only"
Tenth line lengthen by first omitting "But" and then add an adjective to describe the affect of the coldness to your soul.
Break after the twelfth line.
AS for the last stanza you seem to loose me. I think it lacks coherence. I like the last two lines but what does awaking have to do with nobody being the same?
First off I would like to welcome you to writing.com. This is definitely a great community to get your creative juices flowing.
My name is Blaine and I have been an active member of this site for over a year now. (Except for the last few months … I have been missing in action, but I am back now.) So please make sure to stop by and read some of my poetry, I am sure you will enjoy it.
Wonderful work on this poem. From the newbies I have read today this is currently my favorite.
There are a couple of things that I see that will make the piece a little better:
First thing ... Capitalize!
First Stanza : The last line disrupts flow. The first thing would be to omit 'much' and also reword a little. Read the stanza out loud and see what fits best.
Second Stanza : I think it would flow better if you put a comma after 'feel'.
Yet the best advise that I can give you is to read the poem out loud. If you do this you will see that with every edit the flow will get better and better.
Great Work!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello, I just started going through my list of favorite authors, which I need to read. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work and hope that I may return the favor. Granted, my recent absence has caused me to fall way behind. So here I am playing catch up. I hope that my opinion helps you to improve your writing and achieve your future goals. I also hope that you will continue to read and review my work as well.
Another great poem, I do however have some suggestions for this piece.
You very first rhyme seems weak. I would consider rewording.
In the second stanza, you only have one verse. You should break this into two and integrate it into the first stanza.
This happens again in the third verse of the third stanza. Split it into two and combine it with you last stanza. Then, add the necessary conjunctions for flow, and you got it ...
Hello, I just started going through my list of favorite authors, which I need to read. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work and hope that I may return the favor. Granted, my recent absence has caused me to fall way behind. So here I am playing catch up. I hope that my opinion helps you to improve your writing and achieve your future goals. I also hope that you will continue to read and review my work as well.
Wonderful work, the flow was great and the rhyme did not feel forced at all. The only thing was that it made me feel like there is a bit more to the story. I definitely thank that you could expand on this idea.
First off I would like to welcome you to writing.com. This is definitely a great community to get your creative juices flowing.
My name is Blaine and I have been an active member of this site for over a year now. (Except for the last few months … I have been missing in action, but I am back now.) So please make sure to stop by and read some of my poetry, I am sure you will enjoy it.
Very emotional, very good. It is sad how couples grow apart from the plans which they have made. It tends to be a lot more common nowadays.
First off I would like to welcome you to writing.com. This is defiantly a great community to get your creative juices flowing.
My name is Blaine and I have been an active member of this site for over a year now. (Except for the last few months … I have been missing in action, but I am back now.) So please make sure to stop by and read some of my poetry, I am sure you will enjoy it.
Wonderful tercets ... The only suggestion that I will give you is in regards to the beginning of this poem. You start off light on your tercets; they seem to be a little vague in comparison to the stanzas towards the end. I think that you should be able to elaborate on those beginning stanzas, making them a bit more descriptive.
The same goes for the first two verses in the fifth stanza.
Wonderful work for Stormy's Contest, there’s definitely some good competition.
I do only have one suggestion in regards to the flow of the last stanza, second verse. I would add 'and' before 'that'. I feel that with the increased syllable, the stanza will flow better.
Again great work...
Oh ... and don't forget to stop by my port sometime.
First off I would like to welcome you to writing.com. This is defiantly a great community to get your creative juices flowing.
My name is Blaine and I have been an active member of this site for almost a year now. (Except for the last few months … I have been missing in action, but I am back now.) So please make sure to stop by and read some of my poetry, I am sure you will enjoy it.
A good start with this poem. I think however you need to better organize your thoughts. Unity and coherence is a must! Each line or verse in the stanza needs to refer to the last so that the subject may flow. Otherwise, the reader will not correctly interpret your message. For example, in the first stanza the last verse refers to the fact that you do not feel like you. However, the message is unclear, cluttered by the subject of the second and third verse.
In regards to rhyme, I believe it is unnecessary with this piece. I think that you could better get across the point without the rhyme. Again in the first stanza, last verse, 'mimes' tends to read like it is forced. Also the rhyming scheme ABCA, doesn't seem to flow well for me. I noticed in the last stanza you tried to keep the rhyme consistent, however, the second verse rhymes stronger with the last verse than the first. Therefore, it presents a ABCB rhyming scheme which does tend to flow better. Yet, again I do not think it is necessary. Another option that you do have, if you wish to keep the rhyme, would be changing the format from Quatrains to Tercets. This way the rhyming scheme would be ABA and flow much better. However, you will still need to ensure that your rhymes are natural so they do not seem forced.
I would more importantly watch the rhythm which you present. It will become more important with the rhyme gone. The second stanza, first verse and the last stanza third verse, tend to offset the flow. Correct this by simply adding syllables to the verse to keep the constant beat.
First off I would like to welcome you to writing.com. This is defiantly a great community to get your creative juices flowing.
My name is Blaine and I have been an active member of this site for almost a year now. (Except for the last few months … I have been missing in action, but I am back now.) So please make sure to stop by and read some of my poetry, I am sure you will enjoy it.
Great work, I sense you’re longing for reconciliation with your lover. I did sense that your rhyme seemed more and more forced as the piece went on. For example, the rhyme in the third stanza contains ‘baby’ as an interruption (which would require a comma) only serving the purpose of the rhyme. Although I believe that the rhyming sequence needs to stay consistent throughout the piece, I do feel that this rhyme should be changed. Watch for those interruptions and for reversed rhymes like in the fourth stanza. They will tend to give the impression that your rhymes are forced instead of natural.
First off I would like to welcome you to Writing.com. My name is Blaine and I love to write poetry. So if you are in a mood for some poetic verse, then please be sure to stop by my port.
I think you did a wonderful job with this piece. A great read, thank you for sharing.
The only advice I can offer is in regards to the use of quotation marks. If Line 1, 2, and 5 have quotes, then why not line 6?
First off, I would like to welcome you to Writing.com. My name is Carl Blaine but most people here know me as Blaine. I love to write poetry so if you get a chance I would love for you to check out my portfolio.
This is a wonderful short poem.
A title? ... An Ending Cycle ???
I do have a recomendation.
The poem starts off in past tense. Take special care to ensure that it stays that way. In the second line use "falls" instead of "falling".
I also think that you may be able to elaborate a little more.
I hope this will help you.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/undefined123
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 7:58am on May 07, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Grammar/Spelling
