Apart from being pretty horrific and disgusting there are many other great points I would spend hours praising and fawning over for your reading pleasure. However, I am not here to simply praise the incredible power of this short piece but I will do so briefly.
The descriptions and plot structure are all great and very succinct. You do not waste words with unnecessary plot developments or character judgements. This works very well in favour of the dread that you feel when the tiny mosquito zigzags into the story. I really like the open suspense ending where the coming pandemic is implied but not confirmed.
Only one real point of improvement I can suggest is...
Actually, never mind.
Very nice poem. Really thought that the brevity of this poem helped convey the finite nature of life. Really uplifting i though even though it deals with life and death it encourages a positive view of living.
The subject of lying is something i personally have a lot of interest in. Not just because of the social effect of lies (both big and small) but also because of the psychology behind the fiction.
This poem captures a really important explosive element of telling lies that i think is never seen by liars until too late. So great content!
Structure wise, Mainly it's great but theres a few points where it cracks a little. The fouth stanza is a little obscure, (especially beginning with 'funny' as a word choice) it does not seem to flow on as well as the others. Perhaps an extension of the chess metaphor would have eased the two together. A reference to a 'larger game' perhaps.
Typo "Enjoy your time ON top"
Thats all i have to say except, thanks for the great read and hope you find this helpful.
This is a really nice poem about the sun and the imagery is powerful and enjoyable.
It is written in 7-6-7-6 syllabic format and sticks to this very well, although i think this would have been more flowing if it had contained meter as well as syllables.
I also enjoyed the way the poem became calmed in the middle as the sun set and rested and the again became excited as the sun rose again.
Would like to suggest that perhaps this poem could be even more powerful if the sun was given a gender or pesonality. I've always found that objects become imbued with life when quantified by a signifier such as He or She.
''He rises up so high.
Scorching are the rays he sends,
From high up in the sky.''
Gives a sense of intention. But that is just a personal suggestion and not a judgement on the content of the poem which is, as i said, exceedingly good!
That was a really great short story! It was good to read something so fresh and exciting, from the infected's point of view is something i havent seen before. I really liked the description of his eyes as "decayed and cruel" a really harrowing image.
I thought perhaps, this is just an idea, that it would have been better if the narration had hidden his identity from the reader until he got home. Giving him a faceless character but perhaps implying aspects of his personality before reveiling him to be someones son. Someones child.
The content, while disturbing, does give the reader plenty to think about. About how people percieve other people.
Things i would have like to see or would suggest include:
A greater precursor to the murder of Gemma some more story or narrrative before hand would make the story revolve more around the character than the actual acts of violence.
A different narrative voice i think would suit this more, concider this characters obvious mental state. Possibly more suited to first person narration. The third person description seems so without character that you gain little insight into the character of Adam before you are told about it specifically.
Good writing style and plot driven work. I especially liked the description of the canary "gnawing" on the cage. Excellent description.
Hope this was helpful, anything more specific you want to ask feel free to message me.
Thanks.
Underling
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