Writing.Com is home. Its the place I wake up in the morning.
Where I used to spill mornings' fresh thoughts onto paper,
I now type in a place I remember. I nourish myself on writing.com
experiencing worlds of our own creation. I share feelings and thoughts
as I walk through our worlds created alone…with each other. And I care
how you feel as you read my experience,
when I entered the world of your item.
Writing.com is not just for "writers;"
its for you and for me to share company,
in our minds and on internet paper.
Thanks for the opportunity to say how EYE feel
to the world about writing.com.
I like the discussion of the lion and how it does not even have to mention the parallel it has to the reprehensible John.
OH MY GOD! "...the last time she would ever see him!" YOU ARE KILLING ME! Your spellbinding ending in this part is so the bomb.
Par. 1: Perhaps, "no intention of staying or "did not intend to stay" I don't think "no intention to stay" is correct.
Par. 3: "it made me sick.
I reached..." New paragraph? There's no space before it.
Par. 4: "You see, ..." takes away from your text, makes it sound elementary especially next to the level of sophistication your writing has maintained in this piece. I think its enough to start the sentence with, "Although..."
Par. 8: I think "the object he had grown up ridiculing."might be better instead of "an object he had grown up ridiculing." since you've already explained to us how he ridiculed it.
Par. 5: replace met with meant.
Par. 7: space before paragraph? or Is that paragraph part of one before it? Maybe this doesn't matter in this go round. Just saying what I see and trying to catch everything.
Still it is so very good! You write beautifully. (Ugh! I fear I'm gushing.)
Par. 16: "door that Stephen held open. perhaps instead of "door that was being held open by Stephen."
4th par. from bottom: "I passed my cousin..." then very next sentence, "decorating my cousin’s walls" perhaps, "decorating his walls"
3rd par. from bottom: "and pivoted" ? pivoted? this word sounds strange here to me. Why not just "turned?"
This is awesome. Yes, WRITE! I hardly want to stop to review. I just want to read ! How did John get to floor 8? Where was his heavy "friend?" What's wrong with Meg that she keeps looking at the ground?
Wow, I wish I could let out a scream like she did. ...in private, much less in a public place. What's wrong with Meg that without permission or even saying anything she just walks through someone's place -- even her cousin...(ESPECIALLY her cousin after Part 1)--opening closed doors she wasn't asked to go in? She can't trust him. He's no longer himself. I'm not even sure he has much of a spine. Oh the problems one faces when having no one to tell...
I’m still interested in this story, and so far there is no lull - (My gratitude to the writer!). The action is moving right along.
The writng style still works.
For me, John’s character needs a little buffing. (See next section.)
Editorial thoughts you might consider:
Par. 3: When we first see John, it is not clear that he is already IN the elevator. I had to read that part a couple of times to figure that out. I finally decided the elevator door must stay open a while for Meg to casually walked” towards it since when she sees this beautiful human being he is already inside and she has to “casually" get there in time. It seems a lot happens before she even gets in the elevator. Again, how long is this door open? I can hear the buzzer buzzing already and see John having to push the door-open button to keep Meg from missing the elevator. )
Also, I’m intrigued by “God’s” chestnut colored hair, but don’t know what to do with it. Is it straight, curly, puffy? I can’t quite place what chestnut colored hair looks like though I’m clear its somewhat unique, right? But I can only come up with a stuffy-looking toupee. I need help picturing him as the beautiful person he is.
Par. 4: You might consider: "caused this reaction." or "caused the reaction I was feeling." in place of "caused this reaction I was feeling."
Last Par.: “Being like a little schoolgirl, … ” – I found the phrasing of this sentence awkward almost as if it were written by the mesmerized schoolgirl herself. You might consider, “Like a little schoolgirl, I was so mesmerized, I would have done anything John said, including finishing the drink he had drugged.” I don’t know that the omitted words: “being,” “by John that,” and “which” really add anything to your meaning.
Phrases I liked: "arrive at the party as a sweaty mess." - This is nicely graphic. I can feel the heated wet discomfort of this alternative and even see wet strands of hair clinging to Meg’s face and neck.
I had an emotional reaction to: “You seem like a very interesting person.” Before I even GET to your next paragraph, my paranoia is at the ready. What exactly does this man think he knows about me (Meg) that he would use “interesting” as his descriptor. I am suddenly drawn into Meg’s discomfort and feel exposed for and protective of her.
And to: “Let’s get this drink down and then we don’t have to drink at all for the rest of the night, ok?” I think, "the frickin' Slimy snake!" I know already that he’s up to no good, and I don’t trust him one bit. (My, my. I am being emotional, aren’t I?)
The part I liked best was: “a young man with a nice suit and a slightly crooked tie” – this is just true to life. I’ve seen it so often myself and its so incongruous: young men in clearly nice suits and equally nice ties that somehow can’t tie a straight tie. Why. Tying ties is not that hard, (I know. I've tied them hundreds of times for myself.) and I would think it would be important to someone who clearly understands the importance of a nice suit. Yet it's cheapend somehow by their lack of attention to the poorly tied tie. I know this is clearly my issue. It's a nice touch that you put it in there.
I like this story. I identified with you from the first sentence, having had my own life change in a moment, though identifiable in time - "June 19 - 9:17 PM" .
I like the descriptions which have me seeing through your eyes (i.e. "raised gold lettering" - in my minds eye, i am tracing it with my fingers; and "grass stains on his jeans and mud on his face" brought the little boy cousin to life before my eyes.
Your character development is solid: I have a clear picture of cousin, how he's changed, and the emotional loss it has caused for you. I am saddened a bit but can relate here as well, having had a cousin with whom I was once good friends but now can no longer find conversation. And so I have a sense of the main character, too.
Your writing style is comfortable and easy. I feel relaxed and ready to settle in and see where this tale will take me (and how I will get from here to Part 7 which I’ve read already but not yet rated. Smart move, by the way, on sponsorship of Part 1 while awarding crazy points for Part 7! How does that work anyway - sponsorship?)
Editorial thoughts you might consider:
Par. 1: “in order to" could come out
"plateau; I " instead of "plateau, i"
Par. 3: "under a facade of a rich business-man." I wondered if "under the facade..." would strengthen your characterization of cousin as having changed from his former self-assured, unapologetic self to a face-less (?) rich businessman.
Par. 4: “our interest switched” – I wondered if each of your interests became the others. Then, I realized you meant changed to something else not necessarily related to the other, but I had to stop and process given your word choice. Then I liked “switched” in the very next phrase, as I immediately pictured two railroad tracks suddenly veering off in unparalled direction; "switched" became a most appropriate metaphor.
Phrases I liked: "businessmen who couldn't let loose for even a second" - this is graphic. I can feel the stiffness, yet your wording wasn't awkward and it easily could have been; "yet I never enjoyed any of them." so simply stated. I'm clear it's no one's fault AND I don't feel your outlook is jaded. And: "confidence..replaced by having need of his colleagues' approval." - for me, this is what's happened to cousin in summary.
The part I like best is the description of how cousin changed: “having cut his hair and slicked it back.” I get a sense of his having removed all identifying vestiges of his Iowan background. Then I am comforted in some way that at least he has not lost his familiar, endearing smile.
The contest seemed exciting and made me want to participate. I could do something I already needed to do and get rewarded exponentially at the same time.
Thanks for such a great opportunity. Reviewing is important on so many levels. Its great that this contest gave additional incentives for that.
The layout of information worked for me. When I referenced the page, I was able to find out the information most pertinent to me (i.e. ending time and date of contest; what is required, by whom, and excluding who, etc.)
All in all, I felt it was well put together, and I am happy to participate. Thank you.
Hey Mike. UniquesFire again. I came over after reading "If Only I Were Whole" to read about the "hole" in this piece. I'm glad I did! I enjoyed this as well. I especially like the word play between "whole" and "hole."
I did get out of sync when I read the phrase, "and dealt with the emotional misery that the a hole in your heart provides." I didn't like that it seemed "misery" was supposedly "providing," something for which I was supposed to be greatful, especially when it was a hole that seems mostly to be an aching vacuum.
But then, I'm very sensitive. Which is probably also why the phrase shook me from the lovely rhythm I was in as I read the rest of your piece. In your writing, I could see how I don't say it straight (e.g. "emotional misery that comes with a hole in your heart."), and how that can be confusing.
This didn't stop me from reading or enjoying the piece, though. Thank you, Mike. I appreciate your sharing. Please continue, my friend.
Nice Work. Thanks for sharing your feelings. It seems i've been there, too. Its nice also to note different periods in life...makes me interested in reading "Lost Love and the Dagger," to see what came after that. And your current stuff to see whats going on now.
I identified immediately with, "Lost Love and the Dagger." It put me in mind of a picture I drew 20 years ago of a dagger thrown into my red crayon heart. I drew the knife black and grey, and the caption written in perfect pencil script below said, "Unhh! Dmn, this sure feels a bit uncomfortable." As two fat drops squirt from the top of my heart, the title of the page reads: Trivial Pursuit.
"Love Lost and the Dagger" would have worked well there, too. I'm glad we made it. Thanks for letting me in.
Be Blessed, my friend. And Write On...
p.s. The 4.5 instead of 5.0 refers only to the challenge I had following some of your phrasing (e.g. My existence never had the keeper of my key to happiness.). I get how you wouldn't have just said, "I've never had the key to happiness." But it took me a minute to understand what you'd said. And in reading it, I tripped. I pushed past the phrasing, though, and we resumed our journey. We're both better off for the sharing.
As a writer new to writing.com, I wanted to immediately begin providing reviews of the material I was reading. I wanted my reviews to provide meaningful feedback and to convey the cultural tone that had drawn me to join writing.com.
This article provided three areas of focus. It also suggested things NOT to do, giving insightful explanations for each, and provided a strong sense of how to write in tones that help the writer get value from the review.
The article, "Public Review: Tool or Weapon" helped me immediately begin to write reviews that are a helpful tools instead of harmful weapons. Though, it discussed what it indicated in the title, I wanted a bit more specificity to feel confident as a new reviewer. However, I enjoyed reading and reviewing it!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/uniquesfire
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 1:39pm on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I can hear the buzzer buzzing already and see John having to push the door-open button to keep Meg from missing the elevator. 
) 
You might consider, “Like a little schoolgirl, I was so mesmerized, I would have done anything John said, including finishing the drink he had drugged.” I don’t know that the omitted words: “being,” “by John that,” and “which” really add anything to your meaning.