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2,441 Public Reviews Given
4,528 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
You'll get a mixture of proofreading and editing advice. I generally do a line by line.
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Least Favorite Genres
Do not care for works that straight dramas.
Favorite Item Types
Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
I know little of poetry and I do not care for straight dramas.
I will not review...
I review most things.
Public Reviews
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351
351
Review of Ordinary  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

And welcome to Writing.com.

I love each word but for one line. That being: and deal with it,

I feel it would read better without it.

But listen to your heart before me.

Overall, this has an air truthfulness and hope.


As always,

Alice
352
352
Review of The Ivory Tree  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

And welcome to Writing.com.

I think you should make the title of the poem appear in bold. That is easy to do. Simple {b then place } so that it touches the b. To end, {/b then place } so that it touches the b.

Yet she cares the branches

I think it would make more sense if you were:

Yet she holds the branches

Hold on till her roots grow thin

Grasping till


Then must let go for the future holds

future unfolds



Lovely idea!


Alice
353
353
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I love the title of this. I've ment to read it so many times.

I really like [Reamie and the Ace of Cakes] additions.


I have to say that you have got a great group of writers for this campfire.

It is interesting to read a groups work as a whole.

As always,

Alice
354
354
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Congratulations!

Merry Darkmass and Dreadful Holidays!


Your poem has won and first place!




Would you like a ribbon, (what color?)

and a merit badge

or one and the gift points

or just the gift points.



I wait your answer.

ALice
355
355
Review of Amends  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Sonny took a large bite out of his five-napkin burger, wiping off a slim dribble of fat as it rolled down his chin.

This reads as if the burger is made out of five-napkins.


You take after your mom, thats for damn sure. Anyways, back to that burger...

that's


I guess your right though, I do owe you a moment's peace.

you're


You can watch people in ways you never could breathing, but you can't do anything.

breathe,


Hell, its only one-forty.

it's


“You say your not a violent person, but it doesn't take physical blows to hurt someone.

you're



“Dammit Landon, what's taking you so long!” Sony cold hear the killer walking toward his position.

Sony could hear



I think this is very enjoyable. It was easy to follow.


ALice
356
356
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

And welcome to Writing.com.

This is the last day of my life I say goodbye to the grife and strife without even a sigh.

grief


Im writing this poem so my family will know. I do really love them, its just my life hasn't been how I wanted it to be, Im locked up in a chains longing to be free.

You do this one twice here.

I'm


I'm stuck out in space and i can't touch the ground. I sit in my cage and watch as life passes me by and then as i sit there I slowly start to cry and come cries of anger an hate of anguish and sorrow.

You do this twice here.

I


There are too many mistakes at this time for me to rate this any higher. When you change this I will change my rate too.


Alice
357
357
Review of Lonely And Broken  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

And welcome to Writing.com.

This almost seems like a poem but you have chosen to present it as a paragraph. And because so I must judge as one.




I'm seen but unspoken, my life has been torn apart like a bridge being broken.

unspoken;




Alice
358
358
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

And welcome to Writing.com.

I think you should either remove the two periods or use them a little more.

my broken heart lies bleeding...cause you show you havent changed

haven't

Not bad. Far better than I could do but still a Wow! for me.


Alice
359
359
Review of Nightmare  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

And welcome to the Writing.com.

The trouble of one word titles is they do not stick out.

Okay I have to ask, if your feet never touch the ground then how can you crawl?

I am so sorry to say that I found this poem full of cliques and because of this, I cannot rate this any higher.

However I thought this had good structure.


Alice
360
360
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Glad to see you doing so well. I see you all over.

Great contest.

I think it might be a little easier to read and there for follow if things were more spaced out.



Thanks to a greatful artist who lended me this beautiful logo at another website!

grateful

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=grate...

It's lent

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lended%20



You can't re-enter poems from the preceeding rounds.

preceding


~Choose a rose color from the five mentioned and interpret it's meaning in your own way~

its

Its -vs- It's: Apostrophe Abuse!  (E)
A brief essay about the oft-misused apostrophe in "it's".
#1215284 by Ladyoz



I hope this helps.

Alice
361
361
Review of The River  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello again!

The river was wide, but friendly, as the fields ran gently down to the water's edge.

I think this would read better if you were to remove a word. Consider:

The river was wide, but friendly, the fields ran gently down to the water's edge.

If you keep "as" it makes it seem like the fields are literally running.

In the distance you could see the town bridge from the park's riverside walks.

distance,

Sometimes after heavy rain it ran brown with mud, but today the little waves danced and glimmered in the bright warm sunshine.

today,


He’d been walking down from the old people’s home every day for over a year.

peoples'



I think you should rework some of the sentences that start with the same pronoun, "He." I think it slows it down.



He always sat on the same long bench, provided by the council, but today a couple were already on the bench, so he moved to the next one along.

couple was already


He would spend ages tapping out the burnt ash and refilling it with Murray’s shag plug which he took from a tin and rubbed in his wrinkled hands before pressing firmly into bowl.

plug, which


I really wish you would give this poor guy a name. Any name helps to create a character. Also, you have done little to show me what he looks like.



A dog ran beside her barking happily and the baby was sitting up laughing at the dog.

A dog ran beside her barking happily and the baby was sitting up laughing at the dog.

her, barking



All cheerful she said, “move up please, if you don’t mind it’s time for the baby’s bottle."

"Move


“Barbara” He said recovering from the shock.


“Barbara," he




“All my life?” He exclaimed, turning and looking puzzled.

If he "exclaimed" then it should be...

life!"




“Yes, all your life, you stupid man – he’s yours!” She said looking him straight in the face.

she said


“Mine? My son? Why on earth didn’t you contact me?”

Earth

It needs to be capitalized because you are referring to the planet and not soil.


He wasn’t exactly planned”

planned."



“ Barbara” He stopped short, at that moment the old man got up, steadied himself and walked slowly away leaning on his stick.

"Barbara," he

"Hang on a Minute".

minute."



The story is enjoyable, but because of the little mistakes and lack of description I cannot at this time give a higher rating. Should work on this, please let me know and I will return.


Alice
362
362
Review of Adiós Grasa  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great opening. You do a great job of hinting at the story to come and giving us an idea of who the characters are.

I think you could done a little more to increase the tension.

I feel you did a great job with the prompt. And what you have, I found no errors.

What I nightmare.

I thought the ending was very memorable. Good job.


As a side note: Have you consider writing for other contest? I seem to recall you did.

Please consider...

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1300413 by Not Available.


"Invalid Item" 
363
363
Review of The Book Of Death  
for entry "Epilogue" 
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

We are putting together a group for horror novelist. We were hoping that you would consider becoming a member of scary band of writers.

I have placed this in my favorite list so that I might be able to come back and read it more leisurely.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1364689 by Not Available.



ALice
364
364
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
I was just wondering, is this still going on, or did I miss it? I hope not.

I think the graphics are lovely.

Army of Angels has given me some wonderful reviews and it would be nice to give something back to group.

Thank you for all the hard work.


Alice
365
365
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I am reading for my contest " Merry Darkmass and Dreadful Holidays!"

I love the use of color and the way you centered it. The only small note is that there is too much room at the bottom, but that is minor.

Now Vic's in a chair,no legs to hold him up,

chair, no


Duey, the elf in charge ot the dolls,

of the dolls,



Paul, who was tiredand at the end of his rope,

tired and



lost it as the headbroke his kalidascope.

head broke



For the deer played a part in the cruelity they faced,

cruelty


They pulled him to the ground amd tore him apar,

and tore

him apart,



Very nice!



Alice
366
366
Review of Bankruptcy  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well this is a nice change from the regular poems about love or lost love.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar (well poems kind of have their own rules.) or formatting.

I thought this had a great sense of humor to it as well cadence and rhyme to it.


Alice
367
367
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well this is very nice.

Okay, I am going to take a shot, since you appear to like time travel and that sort of thing.

Now, do you think that it is likely true that many of the sound-waves, radio-waves that are soaring out to deep space, if you were to pick them one or more up, would they be in tact? Or would they be fractured?

Alice
368
368
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I love the title. I made stop and check this out. I had to know.

I read this carefully and I can give you no notes for improvement. It all feels fine to me.

I am sure that many readers will be able to understand and identify with this snip of protest.


Alice
369
369
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Here is what I think will help.


It looked like the giant black cliffs had heaved themselves out of the white-topped waves crashing at their feet.

Giant black cliffs heaved themselves out of the white-topped waves crashing at their feet.

I think this is much more vivid and clean.


Potatoes and three rows of cabbages grow reluctantly in a dug area surrounded by thick fuschia bushes for protection against the harsh elements

elements.


On Monday eleven souls lived in the cottage on Tuesday there were only ten.

Monday,

cottage;



The family called him wee Davy because he was Six Foot three inches and the tallest of the nine children.

six foot


He then drew him close and pressed a small leather pouch in to his hand and whispered “use this to buy your passage.”

whispered, "Use



I feel you should rework some of the sentences that start with the same pronoun "He." It will help with the overall flow of the story.



Many times, he had heard her praying with her Rosary that God would call him to the Priesthood.

rosary


He was sure he heard his father whisper “Davy, Davy go and make me proud”

whisper,

proud."



Years later, if his Father was looking down from above he would indeed be proud for Davy became famous.

father



Great opening. Wonderful place to stop.

I came close to rating this higher but my advice I have given I think will make this a better read.


Alice
370
370
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am not sure what I was looking for when I found this, but it caught my eye.


I like the reference to "Spring Time for Hitler."



A weary sigh escaped Sid. "Ok, you're the historian, but could you be a little more politically correct about it?"

"OK,


It's power fluctuated, fading in and out with the whims of the ionosphere.

Its



Moments later, Nell's snowmobile pulled up alongside. {/b]

Moment's



You should try and send this one out!


Alice
371
371
Review of Last ride  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for taking part in my contest "Death..." I will read everything again in a few days, that is when I will make my final selections.

Now, I know I read this, and I see that I rated this. The questions is, did I give you any notes when I did?

If not PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

I think you should also enter this in the

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1161788 by Not Available.


Alice
372
372
Review of On Angel's Wings  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for taking part in my contest "Death..." I will read everything again in a few days. That is when I will make my selections.



Good title.

I like the opening paragraph.


Grandma's voice in the distance is beckoning, “Come on sweetie, please, you can make it”.

it."



She is pressing on my chest, but I don’t breath anymore. The man in the white coat asks, “How long has he been coded?” The first lady, with the uniform, tells him forty-five minutes. They all look so sad. The man says, “We have to call it, it’s been too long.” All the people in the room look like they want to cry.

I think this should appear as:

She is pressing on my chest, but I don’t breath anymore. The man in the white coat asks, “How long has he been coded?”

The first lady, with the uniform, tells him forty-five minutes. They all look so sad.

The man says, “We have to call it, it’s been too long.” All the people in the room look like they want to cry.



I am floating up, as Mommy and Grandma enter the room. They are panicked yelling, “He must be baptized, we want him baptized now! Get a priest, do something!” I wish they could feel the peace I have. The lady that breathed for me last, brings me to them. She puts her arm around Grandma, thinking I am her child. Mommy falls back on the wall looking like she will throw up. Grandma sees my face… it has a smile.


I am floating up, as Mommy and Grandma enter the room.

They are panicked yelling, “He must be baptized, we want him baptized now! Get a priest, do something!”

I wish they could feel the peace I have.

The lady that breathed for me last, brings me to them. She puts her arm around Grandma, thinking I am her child.

Mommy falls back on the wall looking like she will throw up.

Grandma sees my face… it has a smile.




The lady says, “I am his nurse, would it be ok if we baptize him together?” Grandma nods, “Yes.” They take me to the sink. Grandma made the sign of the cross over my brow with the water and the lady says, “In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit I baptize you John Michael Smith.” Grandma cries, Mommy falls to the floor, but the lady smiles at me as she closed my eyes. I think it’s ok if I go now. Grandma leaned over me, kissing my forehead she whispers, "Go little baby… go home." She sits down and rocks me in her arms, as my spirit leaves my body.


The lady says, “I am his nurse, would it be ok if we baptize him together?”

Grandma nods, “Yes.”

They take me to the sink.

Grandma made the sign of the cross over my brow with the water and the lady says, “In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit I baptize you John Michael Smith.”

Grandma cries, Mommy falls to the floor, but the lady smiles at me as she closed my eyes. I think it’s okay if I go now. Grandma leaned over me, kissing my forehead she whispers, "Go little baby… go home." She sits down and rocks me in her arms, as my spirit leaves my body.



Now this maybe me, but as strong a story as this is I feel it would be even stronger if it were told in the third person POV. The reason I feel this way, is that I am not sure if such a young soul would have words for all that was going on.

My advice would be at some time try writing this from a different POV.

I will come back and read this again in a few days. I may see things differently.


Overall I was touched by this. But if it were a different POV I think I would felt even stronger about the story.

Alice
373
373
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

This seems like something you would really like to finish.

What about joining a horror novelist group to help you along?

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1364689 by Not Available.


I think the opening paragraph needs to be richer.

Then all of the sudden both of the figure just vanished.

figures



“I think my brains been soaking in alcohol a little too long tonight” Neil says to himself.

tonight,"



“It must be playing tricks on me.” He wondered “did they see me?”

wondered,



He looks down at his watch to see its 5:48 a.m. and he remembers its Friday,

“s*** I have to be at work by six o’clock” Neil thinks to himself.

it's

Friday.

's***

o'clock,'



He looks down at his watch, 5:48 a.m. and he remembers it's Friday. 's***! i have to be at work by six o’clock,' Neil thinks to himself.



“Just enough time to get some coffee in my system” he says.

system,"



“Nothing” he thinks to himself.

'Nothing,'



A much better review awaits...



Alice
374
374
Review of The Disappearance  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for entering my contest "Death..." I will everything again after the close of the contest. It is that reading that counts the most.

Please feel free to ignore my notes or use them.




I write and sell a lot of my horror. I was thrilled to see a horror story. Finally.

I think you should call her mom and not Mrs. Brown. Other than the name Bobby Brown conquers up a certain Reality star it also causes distance. Horror is first for most a feeling. We need to be connected to who is in the story.



“Ok, Ok, I’m doing it.

"Okay, okay



“Thank you Paul. If you’d like to hear more, log on to pest-solutions.com.

.com."



You can turn that off now Bobby, It looks like your dad’ll be late again. Better wash up.”

Bobby, it



“How stupid am I? A table?!” She thought regretfully to herself.

'How stupid am I? A table?!' she thought regretfully to herself.




“If only Arthur were here. It would be so much better.” She thought.

'If only Arthur were here. It would be so much better,' she thought.




Suddenly, a hand much stronger than her’s grabbed her wrist and forced it down.

hers



“Uh…” her face flushed as sh stuttered, “yeah.

as she stuttered,



He was certainly barking at something out there, and well.. now - nothing.” She shuttered as she recollected the strange happenings.

well... now

nothing," she



Dong dong! Came a sonorous ringing.


Dong, dong! Came a sonorous ringing.


Mr. Brown couldn’t blame him, this whole experience had scared him as well.

him;



“Let’s go!” He shouted, and they headed off down the street by foot.

he



Great ending.




As always,

ALice
375
375
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

Thank you for entering my contest, "Death..." I will read everything again after the close of the contest. That is reading that counts the most.

Please feel free to ignore my notes.


I like the title.


Interesting tag.


As the evening was coming to close, the clouds had turned into variations of crimson color with dark shades of gray.

to a close



She had accepted his departure from the earth, but he was very much alive in her memories and every evening, when the chores were done, the past would takeover and she would relive like seeing a pleasant romantic movie, whose ending you know.

You could tighten this up with removing some unnecessary words.

She accepted his departure from the Earth,



In a way, she looked forward to this hour of solitude when she would finally sit down at the bay window of her living room, and looks at the clouds and let the thoughts float freely.

look

clouds,



It was almost like a ritual that she did this, except when her children came to visit her.



Cut "that"

Cut the second "her."




A flood of tears could be released, at a moments notice, by scratching the tender surface.

moment's



Rev. Schultz, her pastor, had told her earlier, that the first year of bereavement is slow recall of the last years happenings, as the same dates and days come and create a vivid reliving of the past year.It was around these days of fall; Martin was diagnosed of lung cancer.


year. It



Rev. Schultz, her pastor, had told her earlier, that the first year of bereavement is slow recall of the last years happenings, as the same dates and days come and create a vivid reliving of the past year.

pastor, told

bereavement was slow


It was around these days of fall; Martin was diagnosed of lung cancer.

Cut "It was".



{b]They both cried and laughed too - but the laughter was more to hide the pain than express. Martin never said, but Lisa felt guilty that she nagged him so many years to quit smoking. It did not help him in his life but may be now gnawing him that he did not heed her insistence. She had learned now that life takes its own course and our exertion beyond our efforts, are meaningless.

This should be its own paragraph.


They both cried and laughed too - but the laughter was more to hide the pain than express.

Who is "They?"



She remembered him saying at the very beginning, “ Liz we are all terminal cases in this world.”, and how right he was.

world," and



started watching the sunset every day after the supper.

Started



It was Martin, who remarked once, as they were sitting together, “Lisa! There is beauty in the sunset and may be there is a hidden beauty in human sunset too. Alas, we are too frightened by pain and suffering to notice that.”

This should be its own paragraph.



Lisa did not answer to that. She knew now that those moments he was talking as much to himself as to her. And now she was agreeing and answering it six months later, “Yes, Martin, you were right. I have seen your sunset and it was beautiful. - painful in the beginning but peaceful and serene at the end.”

This should stand on its own too.


Okay there are more notes I can will give you, if you ask. I must give it 2.5

Great idea! If it were polished it would surely be a real winner. I wanted to give it MUCH HIGHER 4.5





Alice
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