WOW! This one is very powerful. I was drawn in so well that I could almost feel what Adrian was going through. You managed to feed all the senses with your descriptions. There was also a growing sense of impending doom as you lead us towards the therapist.
There was only one small thing that made me stop in speed when reading your chapter. It is very minor and a quick fix:
>>He refused to finish the Neutron Wave Project, not matter what they did to him. His voice was tight with anger as he said, "Go...To...Hell..." <<
I think you may want "no" instead of "not" as word choice. It is an outstanding piece of work.
Wow! I love the way you draw the reader into this unknown ship and Empire. You take us along through the eyes of Kali and you can almost smell the ship we are in. Your characters are alive and I can see the potential romance between Kali and Adrian. You have to love Bryce and his antic ways. Already in this chapter we have a sense of who to hate and we haven't even met them yet. Good use of suspense and just enough information to hook the reader. I can't wait to find time to read more chapters.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vampirewizard
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 11:45am on May 02, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
