Well to start, I scrolled through the story and I want you to as well. I'm sure you'll see the same thing I did. paragraphs. Huge paragraphs that are daunting and difficult to read. Look for any way you can break them up like staring a new line for each bit of dialogue between Danny and Allan.
The opening line was good, leaving enough mystery to draw the reader in, but after that you began to trip. You write like a poet, which is not a good thing. I feel you use too much symbolism and poetic writing such as describing Danny with his toys. You start very logically, him placing each one in a certain way and then began to describe it more how Danny sees it, as a real imagined battle. Its better to focus on what the POV character sees and hears but feel free to let him interpret however he would.
you should also describe less the potential actions. Such as when he talks about how he should go into Danny's room and make him put away his toys, he goes into far more detail and planning than most people would and it makes it hard to understand if that is what he is doing or not. Just the decision to send the boy to bed, or step in and scold him would be enough, leave a little to the imagination of the reader.
While I understand the need for the flashback thoughts and the reminiscing, they get a little long winded. its not necessary to describe every step of a conversation or an action that a man is remembering. with the paragraph about his first day of church, you could simply phrase it as a fight he can vaguely remember. There is no need to recall the mothers exact lines.
In a few instances you have a tendency to repeat yourself such as when Allan steps into Danny's room and to surprise him. "surprised Danny, shocked him" Shocked is not really needed here, its repetitive.
The whole scene with the demon confused me. It seemed to really come out of left field. If it wasn't real, (which I guessing it wasn't) it seems strange that it would just appear to him like that. If it is important try to sew seeds of it earlier, a shift in the shadows, a nagging thought he being watched, otherwise you could lose the demon and the story would still be heartfelt.
the opening paragraph could be cut down with a bit less information. Just summarize that she will be staying out at a collage meeting and will be out overnight at a friends house, reasons beyond that are frivolous and unneeded.
Feel free to add more dialogue to the story. the inner voice is nice but give some dialogue for when he enters Danny's room. This is a tilting point and let us see some emotion there.
I like the idea and it is cute, the macaroni and the bacon bit was believable and cute. With some good cutting and rewording I think I might to read this again.
for what this is, I have to say I really liked it, the sad thing is I can't quite put my finger on why I liked it. it flows well, a bit choppy ion some parts but it works with the train of thought. the story is simple, but somehow enthralling. I wish I could help more but all I can say is I liked it though I can't quite place the reasoning.
You manage to avoid the biggest pitfall I usually see in works I read. You manage not to info dump on the reader. You have spaced the information of the world and the people out and phrased it in a voice that is both convincing and appealing to read, so good job there.
If I had to make a point I would say that while your writing is very fluent, there are some minor things. such as times when I feel you get too elaborate with you adjectives. "Even now as he stood in the doorway to my room staring down at me lying under the covers of my nice warm bed did I feel a sense of protection emanating from him. It burst from his skin like waves of electricity"
I don't know that the waves of electricity or waves of protection really needed to be there. Just moments like that.
you do make one common mistake and that's using the "I" too much. "I did this. I did that." its not really bad but cutting that down as much as you can help a lot.
overall you did great spreading most of you exposition out and showing enough o draw people in but not to make them uninterested. work on pulling out as many "I dids" as you can and these will be really nice. "I actually would like to read more if you ever want some more reviews.
not a bad little story. I feel you should have focused on the locket a bit more but that may just be my opinion. The only issue I have with this is some realism issues which is going to happen with any military story. It seemed a bit rushed and a tad disjointed. They go from arriving in a town with heavy resistance, to now i assume commanding the town and sending out scouts, and then being attacked again but they hold. Then mourning and help arrives.
As a whole i like the story, the bit at the end was nice i just feel it could have been more if you added some more thoughts from the sarge, a bit more focus on the locket, some more on the man who got shot, if it was bad, how he was taking it, was he young? good story, but don't be afraid to flesh it out some more. I might want to read a longer rewrite of this one.
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