very nice. I enjoyed this, it has a smooth natural flow to. The dialog isn't just stacked staccato style but interspersed with detail and it seems very... natural, polished, that's the word I'm looking for... very well polished.
I enjoyed it. It was nice and started easy with simple statements that I'm sure would work nicely with accompanying illustrations. I also liked the alliteration in the pet names... Grace Goat PJ Pony, but ... I would think, at least for a book, IMHO change zip's name to Harry the Horse, and maybe throw in a kitten named Caitlin ... but that's just my input...
One thing i was going to point out, in paragraph nine, "Lilly learned to swim again and joined the swim team because she was brave", by incorporating the 'brave' part of this sentence, within the sentence " She joined a swim team and raced against other girls her age." in paragraph eight, you could tighten paragraph nine for focus on the wheelchair and bike. Making paragraph seven's sentence " Because she was brave, she joined a swim team and raced against other girls her age." but that's just my opinion.... IMHO
ok, I get the short story part of this, and it is interesting as such, but the gay/erotica part... did i miss it? I think it might be in the wrong genre.
Its a nice scene at the start and middle, the end seems very rushed, compact, more like an outline for a longer story... how did she come to marry the guard.. what did dad die of? was it a disease and he hide it from her or did he kill someone in prison and get murdered in return? did the change in Ellie's name make a difference or does she turn murderous due to something within her? So many questions left at the end...
Also, it was a bit hard to follow without spaces between the paragraphs.
This was nice. A quick read. The descriptions where enough to paint a clear scene of the action going on, the smokiness of a single malt is a nice touch! I also like the line "One moment she was in his arms, the next she was gone." a quick and simple transition that fit nicely.
I do not know if it was intended to be funny, but I did find it somewhat humorous... I couldn't help but see images like those 'farside' cartoons throughout it, and I like that line "For us I’ve damned my soul;" there was something about that. It has a nice hook about it.
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