Murf,
To start off, your style and artistic voice work well here, and it made for an easy and enjoyable piece to read. Now, for the remainder of this review, I've decided to brake it down into chapter, and within each chapter's review I'll include my general opinion on whatever stands out the most; any noted grammatical errors (see**); and questions pertaining to the structure of the story.
- (1) -
GENERAL OPINION:
Thus far, I have been surprised more than a few times, and more in the last paragraph than all the previous combined. Your descriptions and attention to certain details stand out, at least to me, and add a distinct flavor to the tone of the story - something I imagine will carry on throughout the course of the plot. Your association of typically female objects and procedures with these presumably (I could be wrong) homosexual characters certainly grabs my attention, which, above all else, is an introduction must. Do I want to read on? Certainly.
GRAMMAR:
“*Your* no beauty this morning either,” was Bobby’s meager comeback, “I’ve got to take a pee. Get out of bed! You’ll be late for work.”
QUESTIONS:
I'm asking myself: is this more than post-apocalyptic literature (a genre, by the way, which I'm interested in but have little experience reading)? Or perhaps a socio-political commentary of sorts, even if only an undertone? As a reader, I even wonder: am I reading too much between the lines?
- (2) -
G.O.: Definetely a post-apocalyptic narrative here, and I was especially intrigued by the very forthright ideas on the future of humanity - particularly the CAA, the Theoevoltionists, the further emphasis on de-genderization, and other things. Highly provactive subject matter (not to mention eighth-graders discussing it in an assumably "public" school system), and so far quite good for the story.
GRAM.:
"The island of Great Britain was almost decimated by a fast acting encephalitis, when billions of genetically enhanced misquotes infected with a genetically enhanced *stain* of the virus were released by the Islamic Jihad Coalition. "
"His family *was* members of a particularly evangelical faction of the Theoevolutionist."
"“*That* correct Rica,” said Bobby, which wasn’t a surprise since Rica was his star student."
"“O.K. then, access the System of Councils on your *slates”* Bobby began his lecture when everyone appeared ready."
"“Each council is *antonymous*, but over all policy and laws are made and enforced by the Executive Council and the ten thousand and one elected representatives from around the world."
"“*Tonight I* want you to research some of the original council ministers, especially our *schools* name sake, Mr. Harriet.”"
Q'S: I wonder: will there be a change or climax that may/may not challenge this sense of status quo, apparent at least in the children's received view of the world?
- (3) -
G.O.: It's taken me about this long to finally feel a mental trip of sorts over the de-genderization that not only do the characters employ, but obviously the writer, as well. As admittedly uncomfortable as it makes me feel, the originality (again, from my limited reading experience) of your development and use of such - for lack of a better word - "uniform" terms continues to pique my interest. Additionally, the paragraph in which the doctor/narrative voice describes the impregnation procedure is a chilling thought, and hard on my mind, not to mention the ethical implications of the whole idea. However, I also still have a sense of change or inner conflict on the horizon, so to speak.
GRAM.: No offense, murf, but hereafter I won't be citing grammatical errors; thus far it seems publishable material, and a thorough editing would no doubt screen these out. :)
Q'S: Nothing new aside from the G.O. portion.
- (4) -
G.O.: Like the first chapter, a sort of glimpse into the life of the main characters together. I say glimpse now because the last time they shared a similar scene (ch. 1) it was before the education of both reader and the fictional children. The story has taken on a greater voice, and thus a greater sense of urgency, albeit subtle for the moment.
Q'S: Do the individual names, such as Sam, Bobby or even the Goodwin guy, used in the story have any specific cause or meaning? Also, the prevalence of "he" seems somewhat contradictory to the de-genderized common language used so far, but I'm okay with it simply because it fits into any imperfect society; after all, can such a society as you've described, contained language and all, remain consistent?
- (5) -
G.O.: I'm curious about Dr. Roberto's behavior here. Guess I'll have to find out! :) Also, once again, it is weird (to say the least) reading about typically female-associated experiences as de-genderized experiences in the story.
Q'S: See **: typo, or...? "To Bobby it seemed as if they were joyfully playing together inside *her*."
- (6) -
G.O.: Interesting stab at humor in the end, and the fashion premium on pregnancy was also fascinating; more clarification would have been nice, but the casual mention of it added to the social (rather than personalized) flavor of the plot. Admittedly, my interest level has gone down with this chapter, most likely from the lack of significant new developments, nor the expansion of pre-established relationships.
Q'S: I wonder if Marta might come into play later on?
- (7) -
G.O.: Here, Dr. Roberto's character does not come across nearly as real as in earlier chapters, and this occured to me instantly upon reading: "...explained Dr. Roberto, whose eyes were also full of tears." This line simply did not communicate to me his exact emotion (sad? depressed?). This is partly because right before this the discussion merely zips right into the issue at hand, which may be fine in and of itself, but it didn't feel like there as much attention given to the characters as there was the events alone.
Q'S: Was the zippy, quick breaking of news intentional? Are they (doctors) the type to simply unload bad news in the way they did? Norm or not?
- (8) -
G.O.: Present-tense phrases such as "they have" and "he will do" and the like throughout this section, and increasingly in the past couple, as well, are distracting to the reader, and while editing, again, may correct these, I now wonder if the present tense is intentional?
The recent news is a shocker, and I wonder about the entirety of its ramifications on all characters. If anything, it at least clarifies Dr. Francis' behavior earlier, and makes some sense. Needless to say, the story has gained momentum and heightened my interest more than the past few chapters. Dr. Francis and the PC have become more central to my interest, in addition to the obvious obstacles facing the protagonists.
Q'S: Intentional present tense? Why the secrey around the pregnancy? The direct voice as seen in earlier chapters has for the most part been absent ever since; will it emerge again in a possible resolution to the pregnancy conflict, or will it be more character-driven?
- (9) -
G.O.: A lot happens here, and none of it detracts from the story whatsoever. Definetely the most thrilling chapter yet read, and while not as provactive as the first two chapters, it easily piques my brain. This story is quickly gaining ground as a sci-fi thriller, but I'm careful in my selection of "sci-fi" given the genre; it feels there may be more to it come the conclusion. Aside from some typos and a some stale dialogue midway through (during Pat's chats), you use wit and pacing very nicely.
Q'S: As in any great thriller, this question must now be asked: who, if anyone, can now be trusted?
- (10) -
G.O.: The following line, to me anyway, seems to be, by this point in the story, the most important segment thus far: "Mother Rebecca – Becky – was right thought Bobby. Bobby always loved Sam but no more that he did today. Lucky wasn’t the word, blessed was more like it".
First, this section favors the word "blessed" over the more secular lucky, which though religion isn't absent in this world, it shows a preference that is otherwise absent in the characters' prior behavior; second, it elevates the theme of love in the story; and thirdly, this love is between two "male"-named characters who are actually women living in a de-genderized society, which is not only weird, but more significantly, it reveals something about the statement this story is making on human nature or perhaps simply nature itself.
Q'S: Are the above three points close to what you hand in mind, or stretches again on my part?
- (11) -
G.O.: Natural beauty you create here is not only a nice change in scenery, but it's a beautiful scene, with the vistas and all, and creates a sense of peace; well-founded or not remains to be seen at the onset, but the beginning definetely establishes a change of tone in the story.
Also, though introduced in the last ch., the new characters' use of the taboo term "Daddy" here has an interesting effect (at least on this reader) because here it is associated with female-associated names on female-bodied characters.
Q'S: Continuing from the G.O., the "Daddy" term begs the question at the onset: how will this effect Sam and Bobby, and the plot as a whole?
- CONCLUSION -
A superb ending, in my humble opinion, as you leave nothing susbstantially unanswered! I'm curious why the children at the compound have never seen babies before, but the refuge rounds the story out and nicely fulfills the lingering holes I was wondering about at the chapter's start.
Overall, I liked this piece quite a bit, and aside from the many grammatical errors, it is as complete a short story as any I've ever read. I think what stood out the most to me, however, was that in the end, despite your excellent formation of this future world, it was hard for me to ignore this sense among the characters, highlighted by the climactic birthing sequence, that the life they are living is a struggle, demands hard work, and is perhaps even unfulfilled. Is Mother Rebecca on the right track, to bring back the male gender? I'd like to think so. Nonetheless, this is a story less about sexuality than it is about the demands of love and peace, and that is worthwhile narrative indeed. |
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