This is only my second review so I hope I do alright. ^.^
*****
"Syria, Seriously?"
This is a nice title. It uses a small alliteration, which is pleasing to the ears. I appreciate the fact that there is not yet any errors grammer or whatnot wise.
"You burned us out on glory war;
we can’t take it anymore."
This is a pleasant sounding couplet, though I'd have to say it might be a little cliché in the word choice of the rhyme.
"We can’t feel your slow drum beats;
we won’t give our easy bleats."
I really hope "bleat" has some other obscure meaning other than the noise a goat makes. I don't like this particular part at all. Bleat makes no sense to me. It just creates a hitch in the rhythm like you were just looking for something to rhyme with.
" You warned us of our sorry fate,
hoping we’d retaliate."
I like this couplet much better. Not as cliché, not as pattern breaking. I like how it works with the theme of the poem so well. I still think its got a bit of a hitch in the sound though. Retaliate is a "ee-ate" sound while fate is just a flat "ate" sound. Its hard to make them bounce the same in your words you know?
"But being so long upon your brink,
we have learned we have to think,"
I like the little lesson these two line teaches. Theses two lines are fine just as they are I find personally.
"'just another crazy king,
killing kids and everything,'"
When do couplets, I find it's smoother in the poem when the line have a close number of rhythmic beats. I suggest trying to work this line into that process.
"‘Cause you burned us out on your darn war.
Weary, we will waste no more."
I like this particular couplet as well. Nothing at all problematic here.
"We don’t hear your damn drum beats,
we will give you no more bleats."
And then, once again, we have the bleating, which is weird I think (Please don't take offense to that, only trying to help.... It IS a nice poem after all)
Overall, It's a great poem that needs a little bit of work. I like it and it should be edited and then I'd love to see it again.
Hello. I'm new and this is going to be my first review! I have read a couple so I hope I do okay.
Okay so first things first I really think this is a really lovely poem. It sounded just like something someone who actually gets paid to write stuff would write ;) It was very nicely rhymed, almost like a lullaby, and I think it could work even as some sort of song if you wanted it too. It's very well done as well as spelling and as far as overall thought goes too. You worked it out nicely when you set the scene in so little text, and then ended it in so little text as well. I think when reading this (as the reader) I appreciate the gentleness of the tone and thought and the fact that everything just sort of rolls along. I think a few things to work on though are the actuality that it is so short though and that it could be extended; the cliché of the stars being twinkling diamonds, and the little hitch created in the smoothness of the poem by certain words or phrases. The hitches are created when the words you chose to rhyme next aren't as close to the words rhymed last. Maybe that'll help?
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 2:59pm on May 17, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "