It's fine that you went chasing after the embrace of one moment, and the one you chose is one rife with possibilities. Older couple, having spent the majority of their lives in love and together. Ultimate sacrifice. "If you love them, let them go." All that jazz.
But there was nothing to really draw the reader in. No unique characterizations. No sly allusions. Just movie love, a movie term of endearment, and a movie death.
I really do like the idea, and in having read some of your other stuff I'm certain you could do a great deal with it. But this feels a bit too much like something you'd see on an afternoon soap.
And I can appreciate that it's microfiction. That the constraints of the form don't leave you a whole lot of leeway. But I'd love to see you expand on it. To find the soul in the moment.
Thanks for the read.
It felt like you were trying to do a bit too much, and took a little too much for granted, in this piece. Shifting the perspective on something as simple to man as spraying Raid in a wasp's nest was a very good foundation on which to build a unique story. And giving the "wasps" (as i'm ultimately just guessing that these are wasps at play) a god-story, an optimistic religion believed by the naive and doomed, and denounced by a single narrative cynic is an idea that could bear a lot of fruit as well. But the dearth of detail (what's the history of these creatures? what else can you tell me about the seer? What's the history of this clan? the real history and the inevitable twist that history would get from the believers in the seer so things conform to their worldview? What more can you tell me about Denk so that he's more than the cliched "naive innocent who dies and must inspire a rash, brave, and ultimately suicidal act"?), and the heavy, stilted language took me out of it.
I think the structure you have here can turn into something really quite good. But it needs to be fleshed out to really grab your audience. Send it my way again if you get around to doing that, as i'd be interested to see what comes of it.
Thanks for the read.
the progression of imagery, leading from our blunt biological origins to the metaphysical end cycle is an intriguing one. The swing from minute to vast is a swift one, and sweeps the reader up, albeit a bit too quickly to really stick. i don't know enough about poetry to know whether you're following a particular form, but if you can find room to flesh out the progression, i think the piece would stick with the reader a bit longer.
thanks much for the read
very lyrical piece, but i couldn't pick a cognizant and coherent theme from it. it half held me through most of it, but i'm still a little curious what the metaphorical meaning of the shotgun was. or, perhaps, if it was just another piece of the setting...
good read, just a little jumbled...
thanks much for the read though
it might just be that i'm reading this too late at night, and under the influence of one too many cold medications, but the progression of this wonderfully descriptive, lyrical poem just didn't ring quite true. some of the lines are wonderful (the "run over" trio in the early going being a favorite), and the scope you're reaching for is laudable. but i got hung up trying to follow you from responsibility to reality, and i felt a little like i was stranded on your metaphorical highway waiting for you to turn around and pick me up.
there's a good deal to be said for this work, and it's definitely gotten me interested in reading more that you might have, but this particular one just doesn't grab me and shake me quite hard enough. thank you for the read.
this had some lively imagery, and a number of piercing adjectives, but the tone seemed just a touch lopsided. i began the poetic tale expecting something that would unsettle my adult sensibilities, as you write of being amused as a child, thereby lending yourself a distance from that time in your life. but the poem ends ultimately with an entirely different focus, with the shadow menacing a suddenly introduced little girl.
i really think you have the start of something here. but in its present incarnation, it's just a touch uneven.
really, though, thank you for the read.
first and foremost, you've accomplished something i usually make a terrible mess of...namely, creating a metaphor and sticking to it. the consistency of the imagery, the persistent breaking of your metaphorical waves at the bow of your imagined ship, is something that sticks. kudos for that.
but, we also share a fault. and that's in the love of "realizations". i think you mention three or four moments of "realization" in your work, and by the time i've worked through them all, the intensity of the epiphany is long gone.
all in all though, it was a thoughtful, thought-provoking piece. thanks for the material.
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