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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/william10161
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5 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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Review by Hispanic Attack
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love it! This puts the beauty of the earth and stuffs it into one feeling of tranquility and peace. Great word choice and sentence flow, which varies in appropriate spots.

The only tip I have, in order to keep a feeling of abstract beauty, is to refrain from more literal terms. "In constant search of food and shelter" seems very Nat-Geo documentary sounding, and those two terms could be replaced with "home" and "opportunities". Something like that.

Still, a great read. Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Hispanic Attack
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The first thing that stuck out to me was "into a children's dance". Watch out for your plurals there. "into a child's dance" would end that stanza with much more flow. There's also an odd variation in perspective between certain stanzas. Most of them are in 1st person, but the others seem to derail the poem. The repetitive bits I like, although the last one, "I hear the crocodile is closer", sticks out. The "time is the keeper of its clock" bits could also use some simplification, to help make the poem a bit more "catchy".

Overall, it wasn't bad. Vocabulary was used well and it made me think a good bit. I had to go over some lines more than once, which is what all good poems should be capable of doing. Just needs a lot of cleaning up.
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