Overall Impression: (Again with the gray... ) Keeley is a sharp little thing, isn't she? She definitely is a "strong, female character" and once again I'm thinking I like her. For the record, I think this time she was justified in striking back, so it's not as cold-blooded a murder as the first one.
What I liked: I liked Keeley as a character, and I find her sullen attitude somewhat endearing. I like how you explained a little bit more about the man she left behind in the other town, and that she didn't make a clean escape from the town. So he was her parent/guardian of sorts? I also liked the addition of her grandparents being wealthy ship building heirs. It sets her destination more clearly, and why someone like her would be interested in finding them. It was an "Ah hah!" moment for me, because it made since that she'd be more interested in them being wealthy than finding long lost grandparents. I liked that this story started out a little slower, building the action and the setting up a little at a time. And the last line made me really happy, particularly the "leaving another victim behind her." line.
Suggestions: It's not so much a suggestion, as a comment. There was a line in the third paragraph that said "she heard the calf’s plaintivelowing." and I did not know until right now that it was a term for cattle noise! I had to look it up before I said anything! I learned something new today.
In closing: Well, I still like her as a character, and I am interested to see the further adventures of Keeley. If nothing else, it's bound to be entertaining. I really enjoy reading your writing, and even when it's short it gets the action and the story across really well. Write on.
Overall Impression: (I just have to say, the gray font color makes it really hard to read!) But, for being a really short story, I liked it. I think Keeley is an interesting character, even though she's apparently not very nice.
What I liked: I like how it immediately jumps into the action. It catches the reader immediately because it starts right off with the murder. I immediately wanted to read more, and I'm curious to know more about her. I liked the descriptions a lot, particularly for the beginning part when she murders the shopkeeper. At first I wasn't sure if I liked the second line, "Setting the lantern down behind the counter, she found a bow and shot store owner Jackson MacDonald." because it's so simple, but reading it again I decided that I liked it because it was so blunt and abrupt. It caught my attention very well.
Suggestions: I really want to know more about the relationship between Keeley and MacDonald, particularly because they share the last name. Was he her father? This line, "And the orphan girl he had “befriended” some months ago?" made me even more curious because you put quotations around it. Maybe there's a way to clarify it a little? (Or maybe you're trying to be sneaky.)
In closing: Anyway, I enjoyed this a lot, and I like that it's so quick and to the point. I think I like Keeley, but maybe if I knew more about her, I wouldn't so much.
Overall Impression: This did a good job of setting the scene for the story to come. (Unless I miss my guess, I'm thinking Shad is intended to be the main character from now on?)
What I liked: I really liked the intro of the story. It draws the reader in quickly and without struggling. Though I think I got immediately attached to King Sarbon, which makes it all the more saddening when he dies. I liked Sarbon, and I liked that he died a hero and took his enemy with him. I really liked Shad's reaction to everything that happens, because it was written like how I would imagine a child would react. Like when he was torn between comforting his mother and rushing outside to see what all the cheering was about. I loved how Sarbon was smiling in death. It makes him amazing.
Suggestions: While I liked that you didn't overdue the world-building, I thought it could have used a little more detail as to the kind of world they live in. Also, I'm curious as to what the "Amulet of Celcium" is, though it's hard for me to be too critical of it not being explained more, because chances are it'll come into play in the future?
There were only two lines that I thougt needed adjusting grammar/spelling wise. The first was "He couldn’t helptoremember the last three words at the end of the letter" I would change "to" to "but."
Also, when his wife says “That should be destroyed. He said he didn’t want it falling into the wrong hands.” I would just say start it as a new paragraph, because someone already spoke in that paragraph.
In closing: Overall I thought it was a very quick, interesting prologue that could be the start of a very good story, and I hope you write more for it. I'm curious to see what happens next!
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) Keeley is a sharp little thing, isn't she? She definitely is a "strong, female character" and once again I'm thinking I like her. For the record, I think this time she was justified in striking back, so it's not as cold-blooded a murder as the first one.
I like how you explained a little bit more about the man she left behind in the other town, and that she didn't make a clean escape from the town. So he was her parent/guardian of sorts?
